AN:// Hey guys sorry for the wait! I might not update in a bit because I just started high school and field hockey! But after field hockey it should be back t regular updates! So enjoy!
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May 23rd, 2009
Dear Journal,
She’s back. She finally came to her senses and dumped Michael’s sorry ass. She came up to me in the halls today and started crying as she apologized. She told me she didn’t know what had come over her and she knew what an awful friend she was. I hugged her and let her cry her eyes out. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say. I know she’s sorry but it just hurts. Hurts to know she did abandon me, watched me get bullied and stopped talking to me. I feel like my heart and conscious are having a World War 3 inside of me. My heart is telling me to forgive and forget that she really is sorry. But on the other hand my mind is telling me to be smart and not let her in right away. Show her how it feels to be forgotten just like that. I felt like crying right then and there and pouring out my feelings to her. But I couldn’t. Sure we were in private and I usually did when we were. But this time it felt like there was a giant brick wall built up blocking my way. It was trapping me inside myself. It felt like this invisible brick wall was built by someone inside me who wanted to watch me suffer. To see my thoughts slowly eat me away until I was a hollow shell of nothing left. Till I was driven to the brink of insanity and couldn’t take it anymore. But of course, being the person I am who can’t even hurt a fly without feeling bad, forgave her.
“I forgive you.” I said quietly.
“Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she said excitedly.
I gave her my best forced smile and headed off to class. Maybe I shouldn’t have forgiven her. Maybe I was too soft and forgiving. But then again I like making others happy before myself so I should be happy that I made her feel good? Right? But I can’t help but still feel like I shouldn’t have forgiven her. I guess I’m just too afraid to lose her again. To be left alone in the dark alone and for good this time.
I didn’t concentrate that whole class period; I was too lost in thought. The last time I hadn’t paid attention in a lesson was when Andy died. And the only other time was before that when my mom had left us. I always paid attention, never missing a single lesson or word of the teacher. This time, the thoughts were just too distracting.
YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE FORGIVEN HER.
YES YOU SHOULD HAVE.
NO YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE! YOU LET EVERYONE WALK OVER YOU!
DO NOT! AND BESIDES BEST FRIENDS MAKE MISTAKES!
IF YOU GO AROUND THINKING LIKE THAT, YOU MUST BE STUPID! THE WORLD DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT! IT’S COLD AND CRUEL AND DOESN’T CARE I ANYONE GETS LEFT BEHIND!!
I shook my head trying desperately to get rid of the thoughts. I didn’t want to admit it, but what if the negative side of my brain was right? Well, all I know is, that’ll be a first and hopefully it won’t be right.
AN:// So how'd you like it? Yeah, it's mainly a filler sorry! But the next one will be better :)
