One Last Wave

Large swells rose above the surface of the ocean and made their way to shore. When close enough these monstrous waves crashed over on top of themselves and raced up the beach as if they were trying to escape from the oceans watery clutches. There were no lifeguards on this beach. No kids digging and building sandcastles or husbands and wives sipping drinks. No umbrellas set up for shade or people lightheartedly tossing a Frisbee back and forth. There was no one. A hurricane out at sea was causing unusually high waves and dangerous rip currents and all the forecasters and emergency personnel were warning bathers to stay out of the water this day.

One man paid no heed to these warnings.

Julian sat atop his board a hundred and fifty feet from shore rising and falling on the ocean swells. When the sea would lift him up he would be high enough to see over the dunes and to the edge of  town and when it lowered him down he saw nothing but blue water on all sides. With a huge smile on his face   he lay on his board and paddled sideways looking for the perfect spot to catch one of these waves no sane man would ever attempt to ride. Julian's goal wasn't to feel sane however, it was too late for that. His goal was simply to feel alive. He reached down into the tropical water and splashed some over himself. A lifelong surfer, Julian felt completely at peace out on the water. He felt closer to God here on these waves than he ever had in any of the so called houses of worship he had been frequenting lately.

Looking out to sea he saw a swell rising in the ocean and started to paddle forward but stopped after a few strokes and let it pass.

Not big enough, it has to be perfect. No second chances out here.

As the swell rose up he felt like he was close to being able to reach up and touch the clouds. He looked towards the heavens and let the breeze blow across his face and bald head. Not so long ago his hair was down to his shoulders and would blow back in the wind as he dropped in to ride along the surface of a wave.  He had surfed off of this beach many times before, but never with waves this big.

Despite the storm being out at sea it was actually a really nice day on land and would have been a perfect beach day if not for the dangerous waves and rip currents keeping people at bay. Julian scanned the horizon again for the perfect wave.

Being out on the water this day was the best Julian had felt in over a year. The last 365 had been nothing but a blur of doctors and treatments and special diets and herbal remedies and natural concoctions that did nothing but make him queasy. He couldn't stand any more of it. What was it all for anyway? So he could live another six months in pain? So his loved ones could go broke trying every treatment that came along.So everyone could keep looking at him with pity in their eyes?  He was not going to be cured, he had come to that realization long ago. So had everyone else, he was just the only one who would admit it. 

When he had seen the news forecast about this hurricane and the dangerous waves he knew immediately that  he would be surfing this day. No one else knew of course. they would never let him, his family. Surfing was now against the rules.  So many rules. The worst thing about the last year  was all of the new rules. You cant do this and you have to do that. Take your medicine. Don't over exert yourself. Eat all fruits and vegetables. The rules were driving him crazy.

 Not today. Today he was happy. Today he was doing things on his terms. He refused to die withered in a hospital bed. He did not want his family spending all of their time taking care of him and waiting for him to die so they could grieve and finally get on with their lives. He refused to be a burden to those he loved.

He just hoped they would understand.

Julian felt the wind pick up in speed as the swells continued to lift him up and drop him back down. The waves were coming faster now and were closer together, breaking constantly and creating a massive layer of foam close to the shore. Some of the foam got caught in the wind gusts and floated across the beach like small dirty storm clouds. As Julian was raised up by a wave he looked out in the distance and saw a huge swell rising from the depths.

 This is it. This is my wave.

A smile came to his thin face as he began paddling to catch up to the still growing wall of water. He got himself right to the point of the wave breaking and then stood up quick as he could onto his board. The wave crashed around him creating a tube that he raced right through at alarming speed. He could feel water splashing on his face and wind tearing through the tunnel of water he was riding in. Time seemed to slow and Julian had a feeling of serenity he had not had in a long time, almost something religious like an out of body experience. He felt like he was one with the ocean, one with nature, one with the entire universe and everything was perfect. Everyone was happy and all was right with the world. It was a beautiful feeling.  His tears mixed with the seawater already covering his face and he let out a primal scream as he rode his last wave.  After just a few seconds which felt like minutes to Julian the tunnel collapsed and the entire wall of water fell on top of him. As he plummeted to the ocean floor Julian thought to himself:

On my terms

The massive wave drove Julian's body down into the sand with the force of falling from a three story building and rendered him unconscious.  His limp body then got caught in a rip current and was dragged out to sea only to be caught up in another large wave. This pattern continued for some time as the hurricane battered the coast but Julian felt none of it, he had drowned soon after being rendered unconscious.

Just about the time Julian was drawing his terminal breath his mother and two sisters were gathering around his now empty hospital bed in the back bedroom of the family home.  All of the machines were unhooked and pushed out of the way. An IV bag still half full of fluids stood on a stand next to the bed. Julian's mother was reading a letter her son had left on his pillow.

   Mom, Jacki, and Crystal

I love you all. I am so sorry for what I have put you through and thank you all for being so loving and caring for me. I simply can't let this go on any longer. I can't stand laying here just waiting for the reaper to show his face. I don't want your lives to be consumed by my sickness. You all deserve to move on and start living again. There is no cure, we all know this. It's just a matter of time and that time would be terrible and painful, for all of us.  Please go on with your lives and take care of each other and try to be happy. I want nothing more than for you all to be happy.. .  I won't die a skeleton in  this  bed. If I'm going out I'm doing it on my terms. I will see you all again one day, I'm sure of it. I'm leaving here and heading to the beach.  I hope you can someday forgive me, but I just had to go and catch one last wave.

Love,

Julian

Julians mother sat down on the bed and started to cry. Her two daughter sat on either side of her and put their arms around her, tears streaming down both of their faces.

"Girls", Julians mother said,"I do forgive him, you know. In fact I think he was incredibly brave. He's been through hell, you two have seen it. He did this for us and I don't want you girls to be angry at your brother ok? He loves us very much. And now he won't feel any more pain, understand?"

"Yes momma." the girls answered together.

"Ok, good, now I have to call the police and tell them what's happening. Lets all stay strong.I love you girls, and your brother does too."

Julians mother called the police and later that day his body was found washed ashore a few blocks down from where he had caught his last wave. After the funeral Julians family was finally able to start the period of grieving they had been putting off waiting for Julian to waste away before their eyes. They couldn't move on however, not yet, not until they fulfilled Julians wishes he had for after he was gone.

The small motor boat glided along the ocean until Julians mother signaled to the driver that this was where she wanted to stop. She picked up the urn containing the ashes of her son and with her two daughters at her side she leaned over the front of the boat and gently tipped the urn over letting the ashes spill out into the ocean. Pulling the now empty container back into the boat she looked down into the ocean and said;

"I love you son. I have done as you asked. Now you will ride these waves forever."

She signaled to the driver and the small vessel began moving back towards the dock it had left from with Julians mother and two sisters holding each other tight. As they rode along the water none of them spoke. They were all listening to the sound of the waves breaking in the distance.