New York

Chapter Seven

Gary's POV

  "Gary...?" Ed says quietly.  I know that he is silently willing me to turn around, but I can't take my eyes off of the shards of glass decorating the floor.  I'm angry and disgusted at myself for letting this happen, for being so shamefully careless.  I feel Ed's hand on my shoulder and his warm breath in my ear, but I don't hear what he's saying.  All I can think about is that someone saw us, and all I can hear is the shattering of the glass as it hit the floor.  The noise keeps replaying in my mind, taunting me, and each time I hear it I feel even more disgusted with myself.  I feel a sharp pain in my right hand and look down.  Blood is slowly dripping between my fingers, and there is a pool of the dark crimson liquid in the centre of my palm.  A single shard of glass has piecred my skin vertically, and I realise that for it to have been at that angle I must have done it on purpose.  A sudden wave of dizziness overwhelms me and the last thing I remember is falling into Ed's arms before the world turned black.

  "How did you know it was me," a voice reaches my ears, but it sounds distant, as if I'm underwater and the owner of the voice is above.  

  "It was your beer glass, the one I got you for Christmas.  Gary... stabbed himself with your name," I hear a second voice this time, one that is instantly recognisable as Ed's.

  "Well, I am flattered," the first person's voice drips with sarcasm, and it's then that I realise who it is.  

  "This isn't something to joke about," Ed says angrily, and I'm surprised because Ed rarely uses that tone of voice, especially not with his manager.

  "I know, of course it isn't, I'm sorry," I feel my eyelids flutter open and realise that I'm lying on the sofa in Ed's dressing room, and I see Stuart hugging Ed tightly by the mirror.  I see the stains of teardrops on Ed's face, and an overwhelming feeling of guilt washes over me.  Ed's eyes meet mine and I see relief wash over his face.  He almost runs to the sofa and takes my unharmed hand.

  "Gary," he whispers, the corners of his mouth reaching up into a gentle smile.  With his other hand he carefully brushes stray hair out of my eyes.

  "I'm sorry," I choke out the words as I feel a sob rising in my throat.

  "Shh," he soothes, kissing my forehead, "don't apologise.  Just tell me why you did it,"

  The look in his eyes is so pure and loving, and I want him to stay looking at me like that forever, but I know he won't if I tell him the truth.  I consider lying to him, but I know that will have an even worse effect.

  "Because... because in that moment, I hated myself," I manage to say, "I hated myself for being so careless and I hated myself for being a fool who is not able to resist you.  But most of all I hated myself for loving you," I slowly raise my eyes to Ed's, expecting to see a mixture of anger and betrayal in his eyes, but all they professed was love and forgiveness.  

  "It's okay," he says softly, and wraps his arms around me so that my head rests on his shoulder.

  "It's not," I say pathetically.

  "It is, because I know you don't hate yourself now because you promised me you could never be ashamed of loving me, and I know you always keep your promises,"

  "I do," I lie.