Lost Hope

STOP! BE STRONG! She told herself. Her brain fought tirelessly in a losing battle against her heart. Finally she gave in. Her eyes brimmed with silent tears that had been held in for so long. Then the tsunamis in her eyes let loose and gushed uncontrollably out. Her whole body shook with an array of emotions; Anger, betrayal, sadness. Her body was impotent, with the exertion it had taken to keep herself whole. She was hanging on, but only just.

With shaking hands, she reached into her bag and took out a familiar sharp and shining object. Cautiously, she rolled up her sleeves and pressed against her fare, tender skin a jagged object. She lingered for a moment deciding whether she should do it. I have to she told herself, I’ll feel better. Her hands impelled more pressure until finally a river of anguish seeped out.

Relief.

All her agony and torment gushed out of her. She needed this. These were the moments that kept her from falling over the edge.

She glanced at her watch and her eyes widened in realisation that the school bell would go of at any moment now. Quickly, she scurried to clean her blood and roll her sleeves down. Wincing, she opened the cubicle door, but it had been worth it. She splashed her face with water to hide the marks the forbidden tears had left. Looking up, she caught a glimpse of her reflection. She looked a fragile, powerless and torn fourteen year old. Hardly recognising herself she asked herself how so much could have changed in such a short time?

As she walked out of the toilet she plastered her biggest and best smile on her face. No one could no the truth. She had to keep up appearances. Little did she know, in her deep chocolate brown eyes shone agony and anguish for the entire world to see.

She walked into her last class just as the bell rang. As she sat down the same routine of relentless, rapacious taunting began.
“Hey Rebecca, do you realise how much of a waste of space you are” sneered a voice.
Rebecca did not even turn to see who the voice belonged too; after all she had become so acquainted with it these past few years. It belonged to the girl who had devoted herself to making Rebecca’s entire existence a living hell; Megan. Her class mates whispered behind her but did not dare to help. This was routine.

They thought that Rebecca did not mind all the mocking and derision. But anyone would succumb to it, had they been subjected to them day after day. The teachers, students and even her own parents believed the smile she wore everyday that hid a thousand lies, instead of probing her pain-drenched eyes. They all postulated the lies because it was easier to swallow then the cold, hard truth.

Nothing would ever change. Rebecca was trapped in this endless circle of torture and no one would ever save her. She needed a way out.
“Rebecca, why don’t you just drop dead?” called the same ghastly voice.
That was it. The penny had at long last dropped. The thin fragile string that had held her finally snapped.

Abruptly, she stood up, pushing the table back as she did. An explosion of hushed whispering and pointing stretched throughout the class.
“Rebecca sit down at once!” her teacher exclaimed.
Rebecca hysterically ran out of the classroom, her teacher’s warnings falling on deaf ears. She raced home, her pace hastening the closer she reached home. Climbing the stairs to her bedroom two at a time, she slammed her door shut. Panting she leaned against the door and delved into her deepest and darkest thoughts.

Rebecca realised that she was ready to take the final, fatal step. She had contemplated taking it for months. Never quite striking up enough courage to end it all. She comprehended that living on had become impossible. She was exhausted. Her very soul had given up.

She could not leave without saying goodbye. Her parents, the only people that had ever been there for her, had a right to know the truth. Her hands trembled as she connected pen to paper. Taking deep breaths she began:

I don’t know how to say to you but I may as well as now I have nothing left to lose. If you’re reading this I might have left or about to leave. I am broken inside. Beyond the point of fixing. These days, I see no light; I wake up, wanting to stay asleep. You all tore my soul; left me with no reasons to breathe.

You all taunted me and made my life hell, to a point where everyday was a fight between me and my suicidal thoughts. Each day you chipped away more and more of me until nothing of the confident girl I once was, was left.

You did this to me.

Did you not think I cared? I was human after all. You stole my life. I’m tired of fighting now. Tired of living.

Mum, Dad please don’t blame yourselves. I know that as I end my pain all I do is pass it on to you. You deserved a better daughter. I brought you nothing but disappointment, but still you stood by me while they ridiculed. I feel truly blessed to have been given such loving parents. I know you wanted to protect me but this harsh world was too strong, too full of evil. You two were my life, my world and the only reason I held on so long. Please keep living for me. I love you so much. Please believe that I am going on to a better place. A place where their poisonous words cannot reach me. I will rest among the angels, till you can join me. I love you both.

I hope you can find it in your huge hearts to forgive me. I needed a way out and they left me with no choice.

This is my way out.

Quivering, Rebecca folded the paper in half and stepped away from the desk. All her energy had been given in the note. She was worn-out. Her whole life had been a struggle, but it would all be over soon. No more fighting. No more being strong. She could rest. She opened the top drawer to find her gateway to peace; twenty small capsules. Pain killer; how fitting they were to their name.

With what little energy remained Rebecca began to swallow them. One by one, each took away a little more pain. Each one was a step closer to tranquillity. Her eyes began to droop. All her anguish and agony drifted away. No one could reach her here. She was in a place of pure serenity. Taking her final breath she fell in to a never ending sleep.

She was happy here.