FTLOAD [g.d.] + [1d]

Prologue

 The inconsistency is what did it all for me. I can't focus on anything but the sound of children screaming at the water park across the way. I can only feel the hole that he ripped into my chest when he left me. The pain is still there, even after over six months ago. It's been almost a year since he left. I'm laying on a blanket in the middle of the park, watching everyone smile and have fun, but I find myself going back to that day when he pulled out that driveway and disappeared down the road, running away like nothing between us meant anything.

I didn't see that coming— never did I think I would have to experience that kind of pain in my life. The sting that never stops burning, even now. I always heard people tell me love isn't what it's cracked up to be, and that it isn't worth it— but I was just always a hopeless romantic. I've had relationships, some even longer than this one, but never did it feel like this. I never cherished anyone the way I cherish him. I have never had someone who was completely mine, someone who chooses me over everyone. I have never wanted to keep someone around and wanted to hold onto someone so hard. The panic that I feel when I know he's close or that he might leave me completely. This wasn't how this was supposed to be. Not for either of us. This was supposed to be a one time thing. I was supposed to sleep with him, stop being curious and get the goods— that was supposed to be it. Instead, he sucked me in— we sucked each other in. I've never been so sure of someone, but so unsure of my feelings themselves at the same time. I know I want him, but I don't know if it's worth it or not.

It all got fucked up somehow. He fell for me, just me. I fell in love with a brown haired man who infuriates me more than any person I've ever met. He wanted someone down-to-earth and instead he got someone who makes lists for everything. And he talks mad shit about it, until we go somewhere and I bring everything to cover for him forgetting his own stuff. Someone who constantly compares herself to other girls thinking that because the other girls are skinny and prettier than her. He fell for me so hard that even when there's other girls, he'll always see them as friends and stay with her. He didn't realize he loved me until we were in each other's face because everyone knew how we felt about each other before we even did. It's amazing what people can see when they just let go. But you let go fully, didn't you? I've hated every moment of this.... but I didn't leave your side. Not once.

I won, but I still don't have the one thing I wanted the most. And along with that, I lost every ounce of respect and good I saw in myself because I've spent so much time obsessing over you and her. As the rain falls onto my skin, I still hate my mother. I hate everyone that tried to come between us in the first place. I want to blame my mom, my sister for trying to come between my happiness and I. I want to blame him for coming into my life and fucking up my feelings and leaving me behind with those same feelings.

But I can't. I did this to myself. I did this to us. I ruined his view of me.. I ruined my view of myself.