You would be surprised to know that she resemblances exactly those fictional characters you read about or the role they play in movies. Some admire them, idolize them and even dream to be like them. I, even thought about that for a brief second.
Everyone's right. You wanna follow their steps, look straight into their eyes, excruciate every part of them, as insignificant as it might be. Get into their minds, explore their riddle of a brain, but as soon as their sight came across yours; your breathing stops.
It's not you who's studying them, it's actually their eyes looking through your soul. I'm not even exaggerating, it's like with just one look, they instantly know who you truly are. They're a sponge that absorbs your ultimate secrets and frightening thoughts.
They can tell what you're trying to hide from the world, they see it and if you get on their wrong side. They know exactly the place to poke a finger in.
They just like to play dumb sometimes.
Carmen; she wasn't dumb at all. She was far from that and people tended to underestimate her. She hated it but waited for the exact moment to destroy every inch of your being.
It was shocking how charming she could be, her lips curving into an innocent but mysterious smile. They way her body would gracefully flow with her steps.
Everybody liked and feared Carmen, two things...a bunch of us desired and she had it, without having to move a finger.
She walked so mean, like she owned the streets, like nobody had the power to stop her. I still wonder if someone could have done that. Paralyze a figure like hers, make her step backwards.
Carmen was electric, mesmerizing. She was indeed a troubled and reckless person but she made the things she did look so attractive to the naive eye.
I am an example. The rebellious vibe she dragged with her caught me. I've always been the one to go against the current, I liked it. I despised every time people told me what to do and how to do things, I wanted to stand out but at the same time, didn't want anyone to bother me or to give unsolicited attention.
I thought she had what I needed or at least could teach me her antiques, believe me when I say that I, with all my being and heart; wanted to be her.
Until she told me that if she could trade her life for mine, she would do it. Without a second guess. And I couldn't sleep that night, why would someone like Carmen wish she lived my life.
The intrigue was driving me insane so eventually I got stuck with her, I didn't even get to spend a week with the girl.
Carmen walked with her head in the air. I walked next to her, our arms touching every once in awhile. There was always a cold breeze yet she always wore the same. A thin, soft camisole and her red skirt.
Her hair moved along the wind and eyes were on her. I felt a little bit of envy in the pit of my stomach.
Especially because boys would have done anything she demanded, but Carmen didn't even look in their direction and if she did, hell.
She would smile, lick her lips and laugh. Her laughter was a shattered diamond and she was an already destroyed mine
"You don't want to be like me." Despite her state, she managed to sound clear. "Killing time, getting high for free." She laughed bitterly.
The bottle of cheap wine was strongly grabbed by her shaking hands and downed the rest of it.
After that, tears started to stain her cheeks but she laughed again and she danced and she sang.
"You know, boys want me, girls want me, but I don't want myself." Carmen was standing in the middle of a deserted street. The flickering lights made her look like a fallen and corrupted angel.
I stared at her with my mouth barely open and she smiled.
Hours passed and I was again next to Carmen.
Her arm hanging loosely on a boy's neck, I was laughing.
I caught this guy's attention and he was gently touching my waist. I felt good and tipsy but good.
I don't remember how but we separated and suddenly I was sharing passionate kisses with the boy.
It wasn't love, I knew it but the way he moved around and how his hands grabbed my hips so mean felt magnetic.
The effect didn't last much longer, I got back to Carmen and we just sat there.
I felt pathetic and stupid.
"You don't need to keep up with this." She whispered. "It all goes away in seconds, it vanishes."
One day I ran from home, I was feeling suffocated and went straight to Carmen's little hide away.
Her only company was a cigarette and a bottle of wine. The straps of her fabric were falling off.
"This." She raised the stick in between her fingers. "Receives unnecessary glory." She took one last drag and dropped it. Seconds after she started crying but this time it was different, I could sense her actual pain.
Her hands fisted her skirt with so much force her knuckles turned white.
"I'm dying, I'm dying." Her voice was barely audible. Carmen grabbed the bottle, took a long sip. A few drops rolled down her chin.
The glass crashed against the wall and it was now sprawled everywhere. "I'm receiving too much glory and I don't want it."
I felt numb and walked closer. I kneeled in front of her and her eyes looked like crystals.
Lashes covered in tears, the bottom of her eyes were like an overflowing sink, her lips quivered. Carmen exhaled deeply and I held her.
"You don't want to be like me."
I didn't.
I witnessed a broken and utterly damaged soul.
