Oh, hey! I didn't see you there!
Today I want to talk to you about the proper way to get ready for a date. You can't go like this. You're a sexual object. Put on your hot girl disguise. If you need a more detailed description of that, you can click right here (a link to the video).
Now that you look ready for a higher budget porno scene - boo cocky! - it's time to get dressed. Make sure you choose something that falls under the category of short, tight, and shows off your sweater puppies. That'll do, pig.
The next step is to wear as much perfume as possible, possibly enough so he can smell you from your house before you even get there. *Applies perfume* Smells like desperation.
Now you need to add lots of jewelry. Jewelry was invented in the early 1990's to tell men "I wanna fuck you." It's like the underground railroad - of sex!
Don't forget to wear heels. When you turn around, you want him to feel like he's in a juvenile video. The goal is to make him want to rain on that ass.
The next very important accesory is your bag. Make sure you choose something that says "I paid way too much for this because it's just a fucking bag. I litterally throw my shit in it and it cost two thousand dollars." Let's him know that you're fancy, huh? Make sure that you pack your bag with the essentials. This will set you up for success later in the date. You should pack a sandwich beforehand. This lets him know that you can cook. Plus he's gonna ask you to make one for him anyways. You know what, while we're at it, we might as well throw some rubber gloves in there and some cleaning supplies, so he knows you can clean too.
Now that you're ready, you should sext him before you leave so that he can justify buying you an entire meal. 'I want to suck your dickkkkk.'
Once you're on the date, just remember, you're a girl. You're not funny, smart, interesting, or any of those things, so get all your best fake laughs ready and just be super impressed with everything that he says. Yeah...
If he asks you a question, don't panic. He already thinks you're an idiot. Just do the best that you can. Think like a Miss America pagent. "Such as, like the, the africa, ah, such as, the." Aww, that was a good try. She tried to use her brain.
When in doubt, just giggle and do something adorable. It's fucking indearing.
When the date's over, make sure you have sex with him, because that's all your good for. And when he doesn't call you back, just assume it's because he's so busy at work.
I mean, what else are you gonna do? You're gonna show up like yourself, and hope things work out? No! That's way to risky! You might get hurt!
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This is not meant to be offensive to anyone (especially girls). It's just supposed to be a funny joke!
If I mispelled anything, or if I mixed up a few words, or something stupid like that, I'm sorry. I tried! :P
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