Against All Discouragement That Could Be

Chapter Three

By now three other girls were surrounding them, and the teacher was on her way. Before anyone had managed to get there in the first place Kate turned Emma’s arms over to hide the marks as best she could. Emma wasn’t saying anything, just holding tight to Kate and looking at her. “Can you guys give her some air and just go find where the teacher is?” Kate said, anxious to get rid of the other girls. They slinked off and again, the two girls were alone. “We have to get you up,” Kate said. It took all her strength but she managed to pull Emma to her feet, and she took one arm and directed, “Here, hold your tracksuit top over this arm while we walk and I’ll hold your other arm for support but cover it at the same time.” Emma nodded and did as she was told. They got half way down the track when the teacher appeared.

“Emma are you okay?” She asked. It was a bit of a stupid question, seeing as Emma was pale white and had just collapsed. Nonetheless, she nodded and managed to say,”Just got a bit hot.” The teacher pressed her hand to Emma’s forehead then explained, “I don’t think it’s anything serious, you just really overheated. Go straight to the nurse.” The two girls slowly walked down in the direction of the medical office, but before they reached it Kate pulled Emma into the girls’ bathroom, and locked the door. After checking that the cubicles were empty, Kate sat Emma on the floor with her back resting up against the wall. She grabbed some tissue paper and wet it before laying it on her forehead, and did anything she could in desperate attempts to try and cool Emma down. “The nurse doesn’t know you overheated. If I can just cool you down here, we can put your tracksuit top on for a few seconds while we just go and ask her for a slip to go home.”

 Emma weakly nodded, and after ten minutes she agreed to pulling her jumper back on. They walked into the office, and Kate did all the talking. “Can I get two slips to go home,” she began putting on a sickly voice, “We’re both really ill, I think we had something really dodgy for dinner last night.” Without a care in the world, the nurse handed over the slips and waved them away. Sometimes, having a crap matron had its benefits. By the time Kate ran down to PE to grab their clothes and they got on the bus home, it was lunch time. Just as they both walked in the door, Kate took Emma by the hand and led her to the sofa. They sat down and it was almost like a trigger started the tears falling down Emma’s face. Kate leant forwards, her heart breaking in two, and she held Emma for so long. She pulled away but kept her hand on Emma’s lap. “Why?” she asked, “Why did you do it?” Emma refused to look her in the eyes, but said three things. “Self-hatred. Love,” On that word she looked up and held Kate’s gaze. Then she continued, “Because it’s the only thing I can do, and it is one step away from suicide.”

Now it was Kate’s turn to cry. “You said before, that you liked me before all of this happened,” Kate asked, “But just how much did you like me?”

Emma’s voice broke as she replied, “So much it hurt. I already knew how to hurt myself physically, but the way I felt for you scared the hell out of me. Knowing that I couldn’t be with you made me hurt from the inside, which confused me so much. So I turned the emotional pain into a physical pain – something which I actually understood.”

“And what about the… the…” It was almost impossible for Kate to say the word; it got lodged in her throat. Eventually she managed to come out with it. “What did you mean about suicide? Have you tried…” She couldn’t continue, and burst into tears.

Emma held her, and then explained, “Not yet. But I have… I have a box. It’s where I keep everything to do with, you know. And in it is a smaller box of lots of pills I’ve slowly collected. There’s enough there to kill me, but I haven’t had the guts to do it. And since I’ve been with you, I haven’t wanted to. I haven’t cut in two weeks, which for me is amazing.” They spent the next few hours crying in each other’s arms, when Kate said, “Are there any more?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are there any more cuts, other than the ones on your arms?”

“No.”

“You’re a shit liar Emma, you know that.”

And with that, Emma rolled up the ends of her PE shorts to reveal more cuts on her thighs, and then pulled them slightly lower to reveal cuts on her hips too. Finally, she moved her shirt out of the way and showed even more on her collarbone. It was all too much, and Kate got up and ran to the bathroom, where she threw up. The sight of her friend, the sight of her girlfriend hurting herself like that made her feel sick. What was even worse was that some of those scars were made because of her. Emma walked into the bathroom and wiped Kate’s mouth. She gave her a glass of water to rinse her mouth out with, and then led her up to the bedroom. Despite the fact it was only late afternoon, they both lay on top of the bed, and Kate put a protective arm around Emma. “Promise me something?”

“Anything.”

“Never hurt yourself again.”

Emma stayed silent, because she knew it would be hard to keep. To this, Kate responded, “Then at least promise me that if you ever feel like hurting yourself again, you come to me.”

“I promise,” Emma said.

“Do you pinkie promise me?” It was something silly, but it meant a lot to the two of them. Emma wrapped her baby finger around Kates, and replied, “I promise.”

“Good. You know if you break that you’ll have to buy me a million chocolate bars?”

Emma nodded. “I know.”