Against All Discouragement That Could Be

Chapter Six

After a lot of sweet talking and persuasion from Sarah, the doctors released the necessity for Emma to attend Tier 3. She still had to see a counsellor in school, but that she could deal with. Also, her mum did not have to find out after the conclusion was made that it would do more harm than good. Kate held onto her girlfriends arm as she supported her walking out of the hospital. Emma had her strength back but had no energy. However she was determined to stop hurting herself, because in turn she was hurting Kate. It was a game of catch 22. Her love for Kate was one of the things that made her hurt herself, but her love for Kate was the one reason for her to stop. She just had to focus on not letting the other main reasons for her pain getting in the way.

They reached their house, and Sarah opened the front door. The two girls walked inside and then upstairs to Kate’s room whilst Sarah began making tea. As they sat down on the bed, inevitably, tears began running down their cheeks. “I’m so sorry,” said Emma. All Kate could do in response was shake her head. Feeling the need to at least explain what had happened, Emma began, “I have times when I want to die. Like everything that is on my mind will just be so much easier, and I won’t hurt anymore. I can go to heaven and actually be useful by looking after people I left behind because I don’t have the guts to do it in real life. I have a box of pills; most of them are Mysoline – tablets for epilepsy because it’s all I used to be able to get at home. And I’ve saved them, just in case. And when I feel like I want to die, I cut so that I just hurt but don’t kill myself, and the feeling goes away. But last week went wrong. It’s more dangerous cutting on your legs than your arms, but I guess I just defied the odds. I’m sorry.”

By now Kate had found her voice again and said, “Stop saying sorry. You have done nothing wrong. All we have to focus on now is helping you get better. Come and look at this.” She pulled Emma up off the bed and sat her down at the computer. On the screen was results of a Google search for ‘distraction techniques’. “I’m going downstairs to help mum with tea,” Kate said, “While I’m there just… have a look.” Emma nodded and smiled as she left the room, then turned back to the screen. She clicked on the name of a site that she found the most appealing – The Butterfly Project. She read about it, and figured the whole point of it was to draw a butterfly on her arm, name it after someone close to you who you care about, and then if you cut you kill the butterfly. It was worth a shot she thought, so she picked up a pen and drew a butterfly on her arm. Obviously her butterfly was Kate, and although the concept seemed silly at first, when she had completed the drawing she felt a sudden urge to protect the butterfly, to keep it alive.

Kate came back through the door with two cups of tea in her hands and Sarah following behind. “I’ve got this week off work,” she said, “So if you need anything, anything at all you come and get me, okay?” Kate nodded, as did Emma. “Okay, well sweet dreams,” she said as she walked out of the door. Emma wasn’t even her daughter, but she felt like one. She felt the need to look after her exactly the same as her own daughter. Meanwhile Kate wandered over to her closet and pulled out a parcel. She gave it to Emma and urged her to open it. Slowly her fingers prised open the paper, and she saw a book. It was entitled ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’.  A huge smile spread across Emma’s face. She had read this book once before a long time ago, and it contained many of her favourite quotes, and although she had longed to buy it she had never had the money to. “How did you…” She began. Kate silenced her, and said, “Your English teacher heard what happened, and told me that he was willing to help with anything if he could. I always remember that quote you once told me about, and so I asked him what book it was from. And he told me it was this.” For a few minutes they sat there, just enjoying the moment, until Kate got up and walked back to the closet. “Please don’t tell me you got me anything else? This is more than enough already,” Emma said with so much gratitude. “Oh hush,” was all Kate responded with.