Ebony Wings

28

~Ali~

I can now confirm that my demise will come much sooner than I anticipated. We are utterly doomed.

Why, you ask? The goddamn book won't open. Of all times for the metaphorical shit to hit the metaphorical fan, the universe chooses now, right when salvation is in our grasp. It is the ultimate irony.

All day we have been huddled around the bound pages of The Book of Angels, bodies aching from the hardened floor. And nothing happens. 

We throw random words at The Book, taking it in turns to guess the undoing words. Words that relate to The Throne, words he may have scripted as the code, but with each passing phrase our hope diminishes. Not even the corner of the leather cover will crease when prised by our angels' grasp. 

The church gets colder as the sun lowers, reminding us of our time limit, swiftly fading with our hope. I bundle on an extra jacket stowed in my pack.

"What the hell do we do now!?" Jaz sounds on the brink of hysteria, her expression puckering sourly. Today has just been a blur of hours, the sun running carelessly through the day with nothing to show for it.

The walls of the dilapidated church nurse the cold air, driving us outside into the sticky evening. Not much later, the last scraps of sunlight are blown out like a dying flame, giving room for the moon to breathe in her place. And yet, come the murky nightfall of day eight, the book doesn't relinquish its entrails. But we continue, spewing phrases, words, sounds; anything. The night is deathly silent around us, as if already mourning our loss.

Eventually Ethan relents. "It is gone midnight now, you girls need sleep. I want an early start tomorrow morning, so we don't wake with any surprise visitors."

"There won't be a tomorrow if we don't get this book open," I argue. "Jaz and I will just be two more forgotten humans come the morning if we just give up now." My throat clenches and I work to loosen the lump of emotion. We haven't really had much time on this journey to ponder our ending. I never really realised our nine days were so close to becoming the finish line. 

A burning tear scalds the side of my cheek as it races by my ear and I hurry to wipe it away. I will not spend my last night drowning in salty sadness. Ethan comes up beside me and I lean into his side. Jack periodically whispers angelic phrases, repeating them in multiple tongues I have never heard on this earth. Jaz rests her head on his shoulder, eyes fluttering closed. 

I take in a shuddering breath of air and work through the sting in my throat. "I'm scared, Ethan," I whisper, biting my bottom lip to hush the tremble. His china blue eyes hold a difficult balance of softness and fierceness, a lethal combination that could have been mistaken for more than friendship. 

"Ali, I have tried to keep you away from my heart, but I can't keep fighting the universe, or myself. You have found your place within me, a place that I thought could never be filled again." Ethan swallows heavily, turning his face to block out Jack only feet from us. He lowers his voice to a whisper, his eyes a hurricane of honesty. "Nobody will hurt you as long as I am here. There is nothing to be afraid of." Except losing you, my heart cries. My fears and aches and hopes all howl as the morning creeps forward. Nothing seems worth it anymore, not even holding back my emotions.

"I know, okay? I get it. You have to protect me." My lips frown before I correct it. I may be a duty to him, but to me, Ethan is so much more. And he doesn't have the slightest inkling to it.

"You don't understand, Ali -" He sighs and throws his gaze to the heavens. His grip on me loosens and I wriggle backwards, more hurt than I could imagine.

"No, you are the one who doesn't understand, Ethan!" I clamour. You're the one who doesn't understand that you hold my heart. His face slackens and then I realise why. He can hear my thoughts.

"Ali, I meant what I said about protecting you. I'll protect you from anything... even myself." His words are barely audible as he dips his head shamefully and I can feel a sour end brewing from the direction of this conversation.

"You can't protect me from something that's already happened, Ethan. Even you don't have that kind of power."

"My job is to protect." I recoil like I have been slapped. He blanches, realising how his words sound. He leans forward, ready to correct himself, but maybe this is for the best.

"Is that all I am to you?" I whisper. "A job?"

"Ali... Don't," he warns.

Tears are falling freely from my eyes again, but what I feel is much more than sadness. 

"Tell me," I whisper, "tell me you don't feel this." For the first time I go against my instincts - I open my mind and flood him with all my tenderness and passion. Pain lances his features as he accepts my onslaught, my candour at its strongest. He looks away, breathing heavily, a battle ravaging his mind. "Look at me," I growl, "and tell me."

His eyes level with an emptiness that leaves my heart staggering. 

"Ali." His voice cracks. A crystalline tear slips down his cheek. "I can never love you."

I gasp involuntary, that being the last reaction I would have expected from Ethan, the man sworn never to hurt me. I suppose emotional pain isn't covered in the job description. 

Angry and humiliated, I push away from him, storming into the grey night. As I walk away from him, the distance is both soothing and excruciating. Without Ethan, life isn't as colourful as I imagined.