Ebony Wings

29

~Ali~

Naturally, I suffer the beginnings of another night of sleep deprivation as a result of the numerous stressful events currently consuming my life. The loneliness I felt throughout the night only aided my despondency, scenarios of my cessation consuming me with no one to take the burden away.

The worst part is that I know Ethan can hear my thoughts as I lay here, feeling what I feel. And he remains away, just an affirmation of his earlier words, as if I needed any more validation. 

Where I used to find solace in his perpetual company now just irks me, like a stain on my own mind. So I imagine a wall. The tallest, strongest, most indestructible wall I can fathom. I build it high, higher than any angel can fly, and wide, further than any holy creature can travel. And for a moment, as I erect this wall in my mind, an alien emptiness transpires as I sever my telepathic connection from him. It is both a relief and chilling. 

I feel him prodding and pounding, tearing at my wall, relentless in his destruction. He punches a hole through the bricks and a pinprick of his heartache pierces my mind. No, not heartache, I remind myself. He doesn't care, he just pities you. Each brick he pulls away, I replace with two more, fortifying my independence from him and his hollow feelings.

I leave my wall, strong and reinforced in my imagination and disappear somewhere into the dark corners of my thoughts. A quiet place where nobody can humiliate me further. I open my eyes again, having lost their lacklustre and wonder how I ever found this earth beautiful.

The sky is a bland stretch of onyx, the stars unnecessarily cluttering the sky. Gross, I think as the thick grass irritates my skin, poking at my face and threading into my hair. The moon is a cold, hard rock in the night and the breeze carries the chill of catastrophe. 

Yet, between the self-pity, bitterness and pessimism, sleep does come. But it is not soundless.

In my dreams it is dark. Black. But darker than just black. It takes me a moment to determine whether my eyes are open or closed and when I do, I hold a hand in front of my face, unable to see any hint of it. I am certain that if I lit a torch, the photons would be swallowed whole.  

But there is also something warm in my dream. Not in the outside world, because honestly the temperatures are dropping there, but the inside - inside me. A hearth begins to glow in my stomach and together the darkness and I mumble, "Redde perditum angelus." I can hear the words tumbling from my mouth, but I don't feel my lips moving.

Together, the presence and I smile. Together, we unlock the fire inside my body and a yellow light explodes from my pores. My body tingles from the crown of my head to the tips of my toes until I feel like I've plugged a fork into an electrical socket. 

I become a beacon, and alone amidst a storm, I burn.

My body clenches and I leap back into consciousness. Sweat beads across my upper lip and I shiver in the cool air. I take a moment to sieve through my murky surroundings, remembering where I am as I press a hand over my racing heart.

"Ali?" Jack calls worriedly from the shadows. From the bright moonlight, I see him sitting alone in the grass, The Book of Angels sitting before him. I realise he has been talking to The Book again. Unsuccessfully, I note.

"Sorry, Jack," I mutter, rubbing a clammy palm over my face. "No need to worry about me." Unable to help myself, I quietly search for Ethan, unsure about how I feel when I don't see him. 

Jack recognises what I am doing and offers to explain. "Ethan took the first watch tonight. Although he was supposed to be back a couple of hours ago."