Bitter Sweet Life

Thirty four

Thirty four





I don't know how long I cried as I sat in the cafeteria, warped around the arms of the man I denied to love. I knew deep down it was a losing battle, that no matter how far or where I ran, he will forever linger in my memory, hunting me for the rest of my life. That was one of my reasons why I had to go away. I was scared to be in love with someone who has the power to break my heart with just a few words. But, that wasn't just the reason, I needed time to myself, time to think and time to heal all the wounds in my heart and mind.



Since I was making a scene in school, my friends decided that we would go somewhere private to properly talk after school. I excused myself after agreeing to that and silently sneak out of school. I texted Maddy that I would be going home for the rest of the afternoon, since I wasn't feeling well but that wasn't really the case. I just wanted to get away and take in some fresh air.



As I walked towards home, not bothering to take bus, someone unexpected startled me by giving me a surprise hug from behind.



"Nat! Are you ditching school again? You know that not an admirable hobby..." Adam asked as he twirled me around to face him, holding me down by my shoulder so that I wouldn't run away.



I gave him a weak smile, feeling guilty. "I'm not ditching..." I mumbled my voice low.



"So, why are you here? Walking alone by yourself?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.



"Adam, is it wrong to run away from something because you're not ready to face it?" I asked, sighing heavily as I close my eyes in despair.



"There isn't anything wrong about wanting to do what you think is right from what others think is wrong. It's your life; you get to decide whether it is right for you or not. But, you have to consider the feeling of others whether it would make them happy or not, since you wouldn't be having such feelings if not for someone who made you feel that way."Adam answered his voice calm.



I open my eye and look up at him, giving him a small smile. "You know, sometime you sound smart and say things like this, but most of the time you just make things sound worst." I commented.



"So, I'm making it worst or I'm sounding smart right now?" he asked, smirking.



"You definitely gave Confucius a run for his money." I replied, beaming at him. "Thank you Adam, you've been always there for me. So, don't think that you weren't. I know Nate knows this as much." I added.



He smiled softly, his eyes almost tearful. "Thank you for thinking of it that way." He said and gave me a hug. "Nat, I think you should talk to him before you go. So that you won't have any regrets." He whispered in my ear as he held me tight in his embrace.



"I think so too..." I replied, hugging him back.



Adam gave me a ride home after our talk. I went directly to my room and locked myself for the rest of the day until our meeting later that evening. I kept on thinking on all accounts of my actions whether it was right or wrong.



When the alarm I set on my phone for the meeting went off, I dragged myself from my bed and got dress. Fifteen minutes after, I got a text from Rob that he was going to pick me up in five minutes. I couldn't process that I would have another time with Rob alone. I don't know how I was going to face him after our talk last week. This would be an awkward ride to wherever we are going. After one minute of waiting for Rob, his car turns around the curb and slowly stops in front of the apartment building. I didn't wait for him to invite me in to his car and walk towards it, and then got inside without second thoughts.



The ride was silent as I've predicted. A few minutes after, I opened my mouth to start a conversation, but no sound came out. I close it and turn my face in the other direction so that he wouldn't see the pained look on my face.



"Tell me. Why are you really going away?" he asked suddenly, his voice soft yet stern.



I turned to look at him; his face looked calm as he stared straight at the road. "I already told you, I wanted..." I started.



He looked at me suddenly, staring directly at me, his eyes locking my gaze. "The truth, please." He interjected.



"I don't get what you mean? I already told you that..." I started again, confused by his words.



"Nat, if you're doing this because you're afraid of losing people, or you're afraid that you're going to get hurt again, then don't go. It's not a good enough reason." He interjected again, making me silent as I stare at his calm face, looking back at the road.



I smiled at his words. "Why do you know things about me that I don't know myself?" I asked him.



"It's obvious actually, if you asked Maddy or Chloe, I bet that they'll say the same thing as I." he answered, looking back at me for a moment and back at the road.



I didn't say anything after that, and gave him only a soft smile in return. I'll find out sooner than later since I'll be meeting them anyways.



When we finally reached the pizzeria, I saw Tony and Nick's car park side by side. Rob parked his car beside Tony's. We silently got out of the car and walked inside where everyone was waiting, already a huge pizza and drinks in the table. They were laughing about something Nick said, since he was the only one not laughing and Chloe kept pointing at him. I smiled as I saw their happy faces, keeping it to memory. As Rob and I approached the table, their laugh died down and they all turn to look at me with a soft smile.



"Hey, how are you?" Maddy asked as she stood up to give me a hug.



"I'm fine." I replied as I hugged her back.



"You're late you know." Chloe said sternly, eying me deadly.



"Hey, I wasn't the one driving." I answered sheepishly and pointed at Rob beside me.



We all settled down and ate as we had small conversations with each other. It wasn't until Rob broke the routine that started our real agenda for the night, a topic I've been avoiding since I set foot on that door.



"So, two days from now... you're out of the country..." he stated, seemingly unsure of his words.



"Yea... I'm going up to Europe to my grandmother's place..." I replied, my voice soft as a whisper.



"Is your mom going with you?" Chloe asked.



"No, she'll take a flight a week after... She won't be staying there long though since she got a job here..." I answered monotonously.



After that, it was silent. No one really had the guts to say or ask anything in that moment. I kept my face down as I sip my drink, not wanting to see the look on their faces. I don't really know what to say to them that could make it all better.



"Why do you have to go? Why couldn't you just stay? I thought everything is already resolved. You don't have to run away anymore..." Nick said, breaking the silence, his voice soft yet stern and unnerving.



I look up and saw his eye stared directly at me, locking me in his gaze. I couldn't answer him. It wasn't that I couldn't answer him, I wouldn't answer him. I don't want them to know the real reason. But, I also know, in that moment, the walls I've held for so long would come crushing down.



"What do you want me to say? What do you really want to hear from me say, Nick?" I asked, my voice quivering as tear slowly stream down my cheeks.



"I want you to tell me, us, the truth. Don't down play it, Natalie..." he answered, his voice soft, yet I heard him clearly.



"Do you really want me to tell you everything...? To say why I'm running away... Isn't it obvious enough with me not saying it?" I said, mostly shouting it.



"Let it out, Natalie..." he answered, his eyes still lock with mine as it turns liquid like the ocean on midday.



"I'm scared, okay... The man I used to love, who I trusted whole-heartedly, raped me and killed the one person who is so dear to me. And, the one man I respected and thought to be my father kidnapped me and strangles me almost to death. Plus, my own mother... the last person who I truly trusted... lied to me about everything..." I started, my voice quivering as my voice broke into sobs as I shouted the words at him. "I'm scared... Running is the only thing I've known... Is that what you want to hear from me?" I asked after I pause to catch my breath.



The whole place was silent. Everyone who was in the pizzeria turned to look at me. Even though I knew this fact, the eyes that held mine were the only thing that holds my attention.



"Yes. That's all I wanted to hear..." he replied before standing up in his seat and walked towards me, still holding me by my eyes, and took my face in his warm hands. Before I could react to the situation, his lips finally met mine. Then, everything around us disappeared completely.





This was a man that I know who wouldn't let go and would fight no matter what. I only denied him in my heart of fear for it to be broken again. He knew that and so did I. He wanted me to see and hear myself confess to this fault and accept it as it is. He changed me completely, and now, I'm not that scared anymore.