Not That Bad {Matthew Espinosa fanfiction}

Love

All of them. All of the boys are on my door step, Matt excluded. I don't even get to say anything before Cam pushes in. "I love you kitten, to death, anything for ya, ya know? But drama. Drama is not our friend. Dramas the enemy. You're sleeping with the enemy Kat and I am not okay with it." He says. What the actual fuck. Ya know I kind of want to laugh.

"Okay." Is all I manage to say. Jack Johnson comes up to me and whispers in my ear, "don't make this about you. Don't date Jack.." He says and walks away. I'm not even sure Jacks the one I want honestly. Matt. I think I want Matt. Once all of the boys have flooded in Brent Rivera is the last one in. "BRENT!" I shout and jump up putting my legs around his waist him hugging me. I hear him mumble, "whatever you want princess, WHOever you want. Balls in your court."

We all sit in my living room. "We have all made it very clear that if more than two of us like the same girl then none of us get her." Jack Johnson says looking me dead in the eyes. "This is stupid. Like you." I said with a smirk at the end. "Johnson's only taking it so seriously because he likes you." Taylor says and Carter nods in agreement. "Everyone here but me, Brent, and Taylor likes you." Carter says answering the question in my head. "Woooah when did I say I didn't like her?" Taylor chimed in and everyone chuckles. "Yeah me too, I never said I didn't like her, I said I wouldn't try because of all of you." Brent says. Glad we're all so open about it.

"Okay so I'm the only one who doesn't like you. But ya know it's not cuz your not attractive it's because I have a girlfriend. But do you see the problem?"

"In my defense, I never said I liked her, I said I found her attractive" Aaron says hands raised. "And I said I'd like her if none of the other guys did." Shawn says, his hands also surrendering. Everyone else just doesn't make eye contact, not even Cam or Gilinsky. Oh. Wow. This has just reached maximum awkward. I haven't even spoken to half of them in years. No one speaks. It's dead silent.

"No one has anything to say?? You drop this huge fucking bomb and you have nothing to say?" I say not necessarily mad, I was really just confused. "You don't get to yell at me and blame me for choosing to be with someone if I didn't know about everyone else. And I don't even know if I want to be with you Jack, there's so many complications! And I just...Can't." I've grown up with these guys. These people are like brothers to me. With a few exceptions.

They all are looking anywhere but me, begging me to stop. "You don't just go, by the way, about more than half of us like you, but don't act on it, act like it never happened!" Okay maybe I was a little mad now. The only one who'd look me in the eyes now was Brent. He begged me to stop. I wasn't done yet.

"Okay well since no one has anything to say and apparently would rather make eye contact with the floor than me, leave. All of you."

No one moves. Gilinsky speaks. "Catherine. You need to promise us you'll resist any temptation...for all of us." He said still not making eye contact. I walked up to him and made him make eye contact with me. "Look at me Jack! Look at me! Is it really oh so hard? So I get punished for something you guys feel?!" My voice was cracking and the tears weren't too far behind. Brent came up behind me and sat me back down on the couch.

"Cat..." Gilinsky started.
"No fuck you. Fuck ALL of you." I looks around at each of them in turn. "Still can't look at me huh? Get the fuck out of my house right now!" Shawn and Aaron were the first to stand, then Carter, Brent, Nash, and Hayes. Shortly after it was Taylor then Johnson. Cameron looked at me dead in the eyes, scoffed, shook his head, then got up and left. Gilinskys eyes were still locked on the floor.

"I'm-I'm sorry. I messed up okay? Is that what you guys wanted? I don't see you for years and when I finally do again I mess up, alright? I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up!" I shouted and it wasn't until I was done that I felt the tears. He looked me in the eye for what felt like years, then he looked back at the floor for exactly 52 seconds. He looks at the door and says "See you in school Catherine." And with that he stands up and walks to the door.

Tell me how is it that in the span of a day I bring the best parts of my life back and lose them just as fast as I got them? Please tell me if there is a god why he put us here to get hurt and suffer, why he put the two worst things possible on a loop and that's what life consists of.
When I finally can force myself to get up and do something, I force myself to stand and walk to the bottom of the steps. I look up the stairs looking at nothing in particular, and I lower myself to the bottom step and sob. I sob because maybe if I keep on crying it'll be okay, maybe if I get it all out I'll be okay. Maybe I won't have to feel if there's no tears left to shed. Maybe I will no longer feel like I'm better off dead.

I will myself to go up the steps one by one, I take 17 slow, dreadful steps toward my room. I read my bed, and collapse on it, crying and crying until I fall into a deep sleep.