Atelophobia

3

(So I actually wrote #2 a few weeks ago and I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't let me publish it but then I realized it was because I hadn't put in the title and I'm beyond pissed with myself )

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Walking down the sidewalk on a cold cloudy day

You decided to wear your over sized jean jacket and black skinny jeans you had you're fingers wrapped around a coffee cup watching the steam rise and dissolve

"How do I feel?" He asks you

You let out a dry chuckle and shake your head you've only known him for a mere 10 seconds as you guys approach the bus stop and take a seat on the bench he asks again

Only this time more like a statement then a question

"How do I feel?"

You sigh and realize he isn't going to give up

How do you feel?

"Yes how do I do that?"

You nod in a some what understanding way and pull the strip of plastic holding keeping you're coffee cup closed you take a sip and think it over

•

•

•

First you wait until it's below zero and go outside for a run in the dark , that's right no coat just the thin material of you're cotton t-shirt the wind easily going through the surface you come back hours later and find that you can't feel any parts of your body but the splitting head ache and wheezing you're throat feels like a hammer being brought upon you're forehead and the burn in you're throat makes you feel pain

Second walk home from school in the freezing cold your shoes feeling wet and you're socks soaked

Walk into you're kitchen and turn on the hot water all they way putting you're hands under the running water feeling you're nerves sting and watching you're hands redden through watered eyes

Third watch you're favorite movie and then realize you hate it because the meaning has changed through out the years and you're no longer as naïve as you once were

Fourth you wait for the right person then you fuck up you're chances and watch them move on, from then forward you date people that don't value you and avoid all subjects that come in hand with love

Fifth you watch the horrible tv shows shown on the hospital tv and lay back in bed hearing the machinery  give a steady beep you look down at you're wrist and stare at the in healed scars only to find even more on you're thighs you lean your head back and make sure to breath nice and slow in and out just like the doctor said

Wait this isn't feeling is it?

Finally you forgive but don't forget go for bare minimum instead of over achiever quiet instead of loud small portions instead of big you're mother said you were getting a little to thick around your waist and thighs you wear you're heart on you're sleeve and get it torn out and stomped on you treat people with respect and get none of it back

No one knows but you're alone on the inside you're an empty shell and there's nothing left of you

But you're feeling right?

But you're dying right?

You both stand up getting ready to board the bus you give him a small smile and let out a breath of air "I do not know" you answer simply watching his face fall