"What do you mean there's none left?"
It was a run of the mill day.
I was giving Grimsby his well earned daily beration for what he'd done with what was left of my supply of orphan tongues. He said he didn't know, but his fingers were covered in saliva and he was too long dead to have any left of his own. They had to be kept fresh so I was getting them in constant supply, but the fact was I needed one and he'd eaten the whole damn bag.
"Euuraughhh..."
"No, I'm not buying it. I know you know what happened to them. If you come clean now, I promise I won't be angry."
He glanced down at the lump of wood I was holding, then back at me.
"Rouraghruh."
"LIAR!" I wailed.
He tried to anticipate what was coming next, but we'd been here before. He ducked and I swung low, making contact with his head which flew out the the window to fall four stories from the top of the spire, and landed with a hollow thud at the bottom. His body turned and ran in its direction, quickly tumbling after. He would then spend the next few hours playing hide and seek with himself, which left me with no manservant to do my bidding.
I let out a huff and started to gather the things I'd need for the day's errands. I tied my wallet - full to the brim due to recent peaks in business - securely to my dress belt and put on the new woolen cardigan Suzy made for me. I was slowly getting used to this new body, and while it wasn't as strong as the other one, iI was discovering... perks.
I left the sanctum which was housed at the top of the spire of our little two bedroom cottage and went downstairs. The spire connected to the kitchen so that I didn't wake suzy when I was up having a late spell.
I grabbed a muffin off of the counter and walked out the door. I'd had the urge to learn how to bake a few weeks earlier and it turns out I'm pretty good at it. It must have been a hobby of Diasy's.
I made my way into town and stopped by the post office.
As I approached the counter, Jeremy Doyle , the owner's son, gave me a nervous smile.
"Afternoon, Jeremy! Your dad's not in?"
He shook his head quickly and stood stock still as I filled out the local order form on the counter. Finishing, I looked up and saw his face was flushed with colour. He looked like he had a fever.
"Are you ok lad?" I asked
"I'm fine" he said quickly.
I leaned forward over the counter and felt his forehead and his breathing quickened. He was burning up! I was no specialist on the living, but I could help him with this until he could go see Dr Finn.
"Here," I took out a pouch of herbs and emptied some into a small bag, "take this and mix it into a tea. It'll bring your temperature down."
He nodded. "Thuh...thanks."
"Any time. Give your father my regards won't you?" I said and left the post office. I didn't want to leave him alone; he looked like he was about to faint, but I still had other things to do.
I cut through a series of small back alley way, skipping slightly. I was out of sodium nitrate, so my next stop was the apothacary. My line of work often services a breed of human that is resistant to reason, but highly susceptible to showy flashes of light, and I've run out of explosives.
I was getting close, heading past the pub when one of the local drunkards stumbled out the alley way and spotted me heading in his direction. He shuffled towards me and when I tried to make my way around him, I found five oily phalanges wrapped around my arm.
"'Ello lovely... Wanna- *hic* Care to give a handsome fella a kiss?" His breath was strong enough to make me retch, and before I could answer, he slid his hand down my top! It caught me totally unprepared, which he took as a sign of consent and he leaned forward with his eyes closed and his lips puckered.
Ironically, the increased pungency of his breath was sobering and hepled bring me back to my senses.
I swung my leg up which landed squarely between his. He went down in near silence, the only sound was the wheezing of air slowly escaping the throat in which his nuts were clogged.
***
"And that's what happened, officer. I heard someone shout out for the police and waited around to explain the situation."
Officer Ridley stared at me with slight apprehension. He shifted under the weight of himself and said "Well, it sounds to me that Mr Finch here," he tapped the still motionless body with his boot, "just had a little too much to drink."
"Yes, that's all fine, I'm not going to press charges," I said.
He laughed. "Press charges? You assaulted an innocent man! I'm going to have to take you back to the hold for a few more questions and keep you there until poor Mr Finch regains consciousness and then he can decide whether he wants to press charges."
"Innocent? I was assaulted!" I spat back.
"Well, maybe he would have left you alone if you were wearing something a bit less revealing, Mister Oublius!" He said, looking pointedly at my breasts and legs.
Suddenly I realised what was going on. "Oh. I see." I took a deep breath. "I've been going about this the wrong way."
***
Later during dinner, we ate with urgency.
Suzy looked up at me from across the table. "Honey, it's so juicy."
"It's all the fat. Marbling is really important, otherwise the meat goes dry and has no flavour."
"It's a shame what happened." She said, looking over at the pile of meat that had been Officer Ridley. "I thought he was such a nice man."
"Well, people can be deceptive, Suzy." I took a bite out of the succulent steak. "He'll last a fortnight at least. There's certainly enough of him."
"Well, you probably shouldn't kill too many people. They'll start to talk."
"Not if they're dead, love." I said back.
We laughed at that and after we finished dinner, we watched a bit of tv and went to bed.
Unfortunately, we forgot to put the good officer in the fridge, and when we woke up the next morning, we found him where we left him, covered in flies. Such a waste.
We took him out and threw him in the garbage. His head landed face up and his mouth hung wide open. Inside, I noticed his tongue was missing.
I'll need to get Grimsby a bag just for himself, I thought. Not orphan tongues, they're expensive. Just the regular kind. I've got to keep him out of my stash somehow.
