Heart Break

Scratching the surface

As my life goes on I see as that I'm only here to be broken. I sit and wonder why do I try to bring a smile across my face. People say I'm worth nothing maybe I am worth nothing maybe I am nothing to no one. When I was five someone who I loved dearly died I cried till this day I still cry I thought I could never feel for another person. It's eight years later within those eight years I've become emo. Still feeling nothing for no one not a smile unless it was harmful to myself or someone else. Then one day I met this boy I call Master he means the world to me. We were together for a while but then January 20 it came to an end I blame myself. What made it worse when I saw him again I felt in pain so I walked away every time he came near. He thought I hated him when I could never hate him. When he left I hugged him he seemed confused I laughed slightly. But he's with someone new he's "happy" with her I guess. But he was my first heart break and every second I tear myself apart thinking what could I have done different. But me worrying myself on things that won't happen (us getting back together). I tried to go out with someone new but it only hurt myself more. So I left that person but then I found someone I actually cared about (slightly) but he cheated I felt like an idiot. Honestly I wanted to give up on everything afterwards and I did the boy that changed my world I won't give him the time of day. I don't smile anymore I won't look up when I walk sometimes i'll cut myself just to fill the pain lust growing within. Everyone worries about me wondering whether i'll pull myself up. Well I am up this is as far as I can go. When I say "i'm fine" it's so people can leave me alone. And when I "smile" it's so people believe me when I say i'm fine but very few know i'm not fine even with a smile that looks so real. Many say I've lost my mind completely well I haven't I'm just not the same Lanie you knew before. We've all shed tears before I've shed tears for many years but nothing compares to the feel of your soul feeling empty and feeling like your life means nothing.