Do you ever feel so replaced, yet so fond with the idea that you don't wanna give up. But then your thoughts bundle up all the pros. and cons. of wanting to be found again with the person, or leaving for all the ruthless comments that you've found? Well. Let me tell you a little something about this feeling. It's unspecific. Meaning, you're not exactly sure what you're feeling. One moment you're falling down on your knees, praying for another decision, for another understatement that can happen. But what's already done, is done. And do you ever begin to rethink, that you should've have done this or that? Those nights you glare up, thinking "You're so stupid." "You should've said this." Because I do. I don't like it. Because, I see things. I know what's gonna happen. Not for sure, really. But the exprience, it's so amazing how you can suspect it, and the person knows you. The person can be curious on how you know their plans. So many bruises, yet so fucking beautiful. Tells your stories, not detailed of course, but it means that you've been through something for sure.
There's so much I can do. I mean. I could sleep but then again, I could also sit and watch the stars fade behind city lights and find resemblance in their disappearance and myself. I could surround myself with people, and make myself laugh along with their jokes, but then again I could be invisible to the people, and be labelled as different. Depressed. Unhappy. Selfish. Lazy. Forgetful. Awful. Horrifying. Horrendus. So much more. So much, and at the end. I'll always be the opposite of what's come to the people around me. Happy. Laughter. Greeting. Hyper. Cheerful. Loveable. Everything I've never been, everything I've always wanted to be, but everything I've never reached. You could only find hurting words, by the person who seemed to let those words out by their voices and lips. Movements, show you their actions and what's begun or what's bound to happen. It's like saying. You stabbed me, with words that cut like razors, and left me torn apart. And for some reason, after the start of this relationship with the person. You find them so bright, but at the end of this relationship. The colours seem to dim inside of you. Oh why is that? So harsh, and cruel.
Why does a heartbreak need to be found. Do I have to open myself so you can see that, I'm missing that piece, to reattatch my two pieces together, to form a heart? Is it that? Or is it that you don't seem to care, you don't seem to love me for what I'm not. To you I'm just a weed planted in your garden of roses, and you picked me because i was different, but picking me, meant killing me. So why is this so fair. It's unfair, to me and you. To everyone really. How come I can't start all over with a brand new life. Everything may be perfect, who knows. Better or worse. Crazier or I'll just toss this life away, because of the things happening right now. I want to start in a brand new place, have a clean slate, and an unknown face.
That's all I'm asking you. For you to find me in a body, different than my old. For you to find me, in a state of mind. The same, yet all so different to you. So if I got a new life, with everything changed. And a new appearance. Will you love me or not? Will you remember the other life of me? Will you tell me the words beneath our breathes together "Hey you remind me of someone.." And throw me away, just because of your memories that make you want to destroy two lives that are the same, but wonder off, that this existence is someone else. Someone who could be mine forever?
That's all I'm asking you.
-Liam. x
