When I wake up

Ivory Hearts

August 9,2013

      Breathing has to be the weirdest thing, being that it's the only thing I can do. I can't control when I pee, but I can breathe. I'm unable to sit up but at least I can breathe. I have no say in whether I live or die but thank you god almighty, I can breathe. Being asleep for so long sucks. I'm stuck, just thinking all day long it's so tiring.

      Hazel has come to my room everyday at 5:30 PM. And she always brings me one type of flower. She always brings me my white bleeding hearts. Their scientific name is Lamprocapnos Spectabilis witch is Greek. Me and Hazel love history of random things. We learned about the bleeding hearts one day when we were walking around Butterfly World. Hazel liked them so much that I willingly spent $60 on just one plant for her. She wanted to love it for so long but it started to die right as summer began. I remember that she didn't talk to me for a week because she felt so guilty. That weekend I decided to paint her a bouquet of white bleeding hearts, so she would always have some from me that would never die. She loved it so much that she keeps it in a room in her house that only she has a key to, so only she could love them. I think that's cute.

       One thing that I've noticed about Hazel is that she's shy but extremely possessive, and I love that. I think it's darling when she checks my phone for me when I get text messages. Sometimes she'll even respond to them. I don't think I've ever looked through her phone unless it was to look at her notes. Hazel has this weird habit of taking random notes on her phone. Sometimes they're helpful to figuring out what's wrong with her since she doesn't say much out loud. Like, she'll write how she's mad at me for laughing at an extremely inappropriate joke in public one time like three months ago, and she's planing on giving me the silent treatment for the next two weeks. But if I check it when she's acting weird and there are no notes for that week that means it's something so bad that she doesn't even want to tell her phone, that's when I have to be a good girlfriend and talk to her. One time she wanted to tell me a secret and she wrote it in her notes so that I would see it. The secret was that in the future she wanted to adopt a baby girl. I guess she didn't know that I wanted to do the same thing. So I responded to her note by sending myself a text explaining how I wanted to have kids in the future too. When she checked my phone and read that message she jumped up and hugged me . She's so cute.

Living in an abusive household gets tedious after a while. Each morning I wake up to screaming. As I walk down the stairs I step on broken pieces of glass from our only set of plates. There has to be at least one empty bottle of vodka with lipstick prints on the top. Then there's the additional two scotch bottles one on the floor, and one on the table next to a small crystal glass. I always have to watch out for flying objects and run for the closest exit. I'm just happy that that's not how Hazel wakes up. She lives with her grandmother because her parents are dead. Hazel's parents used to beat her for days at a time, and they make Hazel take drugs so she can't remember much of her childhood. The day her mom overdosed her father took her out to the woods and shot himself in front of her, and sadly she vividly remembers that. I'm so grateful that I don't have to go through that everyday, and I'm grateful that Hazel no longer has too either. She has grown so much in such little time. She always gets so worried when I have to go home, because she knows what happens there. Every day I go home she tells me that I should go home with her. I love how cute she is.

       Three days ago Hazel came to my room for the first time after hearing about the accident. She tried her best but she ended up crying so much that she passed out. The doctors let her stay in my room for the night. I sat up the whole night watching her. When Hazel starts to cry I usually cry with her because it makes her confused and she starts to laugh. At first I thought she was being insensitive but it's a really easy way to get her happy. I miss watching her laugh but I have a feeling she won't be laughing for a while. Her laugh is one my favorite sounds ever, it can fix any bad day. But sadly I don't think it could fix the day I've had. When the doctors woke Hazel up she woke up screaming, she started to cry again, then she left and promised to come back later. Then my loving parents came in to check on my because they obviously care so much. The doctors told my parents something and when I heard it I knew everything was over. The doctors explained that with the amount of skull trauma I received that there would be heavy memory loss. They said I might not remember things like names, places, family members, or close friends. Which means soon I won't have the memories of me and Hazel. Every date, late nights talking, falling asleep together and waking up to her, even the fights. I don't want to lose any of that. So I have to try harder to let Hazel know so she can help me. I won't die in a hospital for my parents, I will die somewhere in the rain forest with Hazel well into my mid-hundreds. I am getting out of here.