colors // phan

one

i know what it's like to feel tired- and not just in the physical sense.

the world that we live in is an exhausting place to be. it is wearing.  everything is in black and white, and no matter what you do, you just can't see the colors. and no matter how hard you try, everything is just plain and bland, as it always was.

i hate this. i hate living like this. i hate everything about myself.

my mum told me how pretty the color blue is, and why it's her favorite. she says that the boring, black and white sky i see, is the first thing she saw when she first laid her hand on dad's, with the most beautiful sunset before them, and the first few stars are already twinkling from above. i wish i'd be able to see this magnificent view too, instead of just a monochrome sky when i look up.

my dad told me how pretty the color green is, and why it's his favorite. it was the first color that he saw when he first laid his hand on mum's. "the beautiful green, with specks of brown, of your mum's eyes is seriously the most beautiful thing i've ever seen," he'd always say. i wish i'd be able to see this magnificent view too, instead of just monochrome eyes when i look at them.

i hate this. i hate living like this. i hate everything about myself. 

nan told me i'd be able to see how beautiful the world really is when i meet the one. louise told me i just need to be patient, and this person would come around when the right time comes. chris told me he might just be stuck in traffic, while his boyfriend, pj agrees while laughing. 

they don't understand. they will never understand because they already found their significant other ages ago, while i, turning 19 soon and still hasn't found mine. and because of this, people at school are always making fun of me, and saying that no one will come around and i will never see the world in colors ever.

i hate this. i hate living like this. i hate everything about myself.