Between The Lines

Conundrum

Note: This was the second part that got cut out of that last story. :)

I felt him wanting to hold me forever while I was hugging him. I felt his reluctance to let me go. Even as we parted, he grabbed my hand and his touch lingered up to the tips of my fingers. Or was I only imagining those things?

I wanted to be with him. The parking lot pavement was cold and it was about to get dark but  I wouldn't have minded. I could've stayed with him for as long as it took. But he didn't want me to. He said he didn't need me.

I thought there was something special between us, something underneath it all. I guess I was wrong again.

It sucks to be wrong all the time.

I was thinking about all these things as I fought the tears threatening to fall down my face while I was walking away from him. Keep walking, Ash.

Or should I? Am I really wrong again? What if I was right all along and I just didn't know it? I have to be sure this time. I don't want to live in doubts anymore.

I wipe my eyes dry and walk back to him. How many steps away from him have I taken? A dozen? A thousand? It doesn't really matter. I have to find my way back to, once and for all, learn the truth.

"Am I wrong again, coach?" I asked him. He was surprised to see me return. He stood up and approached me. I couldn't meet his eyes so I stared at the pavement instead.

"Wrong about what?" He asked.

"It's just that I thought you felt the same. I had these ideas in my head that you... that you like me the way I... I like you but..." I couldn't finish my question 'cause I was fighting the urge to run away again.

My feet are urging to me go but my mind says I have to stay. I have to hear what he's going to say about this so that I can move on. I need to hear the truth.

He stared at me and I swear, I saw infinity in his eyes. He took forever. I counted each breath I did before he answered my question. One... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight...

"No. You're not wrong." He exhaled deeply, like he was defeated. What did he say? Did he say I wasn't wrong? That I was right? "You're right." He took yet another long pause.

"Is it time to come clean?" He asked after a spell. I lifted my eyes from the pavement and looked at him. I nodded. "Yes," he continued. "I like you. No. I love you, in a way that I shouldn't but I do."

"But?" I thought hearing him say the words would make me happy but it didn't. It was the opposite. I felt the sadness kick in. I was sad for us—the tragedy of us. Or was it a comedy? "Do you really?"

He nodded and continued, "But you see, it's not as simple as how we feel for each other, is it?" He's right and therein lies the tragedy.

"I know and it's so unfair."

"Nothing about this, about you and me, is fair. Had I known that someone like you would come... But you and I, we're not to be."

"Do you regret having these feelings? 'Cause sometimes I do. They make me feel like I'm being a bad person."

"No, I don't and you shouldn't either. How we feel does not make us good or bad people. It's what we do about them that defines us."

"So what are we going to do about it?"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing." I knew he would say that. I was thinking of the same thing. It's easy knowing what the right thing to do is. The hard part is actually having to do it.

"I've tried that. I've tried my best doing nothing. It doesn't work. It's too damn hard." My voice was cracking.

"You will try harder, right? For me?" He held my face and wiped my imminent tears with his thumb. "For us? And for them?" He looked away and I saw that like me, he was holding back his own tears. He swallowed, trying not to cry.

"How do you suppose I do that?" I took his hands from my face and held them in mine.

"Do what I do." I frowned at him, not really getting what he's trying to say. "Do it from a distance so no one gets hurt." He's been loving me from a distance all this time. It must have been hard for him too.

"No one except for us."

"Like I said, we'll do it not only for ourselves but for them too."

The car honked at us and he gestured his hand towards it like he was saying, "See what I mean?" And I did see.

I am going to do what he says but I won't be doing it for myself nor for them. I would be doing it for him because I know that he's not the kind of person who would deliberately hurt those around him. It's one of the many reasons why I fell in love with him.

If he can love me from a distance, I think I can do it for him too.