That's the third time this week that I have seen him. Or thought i've seen him. I know that he's never going to be there, in his pajamas rolled on the sofa. Or shooting the wall because he is bored. It's been 3 years. Three years today. I would say that I wasn't counting but I am, and I will for the rest of my life.
I've invited Mary out for tea tonight. We're going to a posh restaurant. I have never been to a posh restaurant in my life, not even with him. We'd always go out, sure, but to Speedy's or Angelo's Restaurant. He never ate when we were on a case, it hurt me thinking of him getting ill because of it so I'd often make him a sandwich and made him eat it. Ham. He loved ham.
I've got Mrs. Hudson to help me choose the right place. We're eating at some sort of fancy italian restaurant. I think she likes Italian food, salads and pasta. Something I'd never have thought of even going near before we met.
It's our year anniversary today. It's a year since we met. Lestrade set us up, one of his ex-wife's friends he'd stayed in touch with. He'd said he hated me for not getting over him, he'd said that I needed to get over him, move on because he's never coming back. I want him to come back. I need him to come back. I can't just forget about him, without him I would have nothing, be nobody.
It's also his three year anniversary. I don't know if Lestrade just forgot or he thought that it would help me forget. I don't know what he was thinking but I hate him for it. Today is his day, that's all it should ever be. He should have never had his day replaced. Our anniversary will never replace his, it will never be the most important thing on my mind.
I'm ready just as the doorbell rings. I take a deep breath as I hear Mrs. Hudson opening the door and greeting Mary. Mary is lovely, don't get me wrong. She is beautiful, really smart and really kind. Anything anyone would ever want in a woman. But she's not him. She can't take one look at something and know its history and its flaws. She has never made me laugh anything but a fake laugh. She has never amazed me, confused me and annoyed me all at once. She will never be him, nor anything better.
I stand at the top of the stairs and wait for her to finish talking to Mrs. Hudson. They love to gossip and chat. I've never understood any of it. Mary politely said goodbye to Mrs. Hudson as I made my way down the stairs slowly. I grab my coat from the hook next to the door, next to his coat, and put it on before greeting Mary.
"You look beautiful, darling" I've never said a lie, she always looked stunning. "As you always do" I just don't love her. I kissed her lips before leading her out of the flat, saying goodbye to Mrs. Hudson on the way.
I hail a taxi and we get in, after telling the driver the address we make our way to the restaurant.
"This looks wonderful, John!" She smiled brightly and sat down in the chair I had pulled out for her. I sat down opposite her as the waiter came over. We ordered a bottle of wine and some fancy food I've never heard of for a starter.
I was getting more nervous by the second. Knowing I have to do what I have to do. I have to propose to her tonight and ask her to move in with me. Its what I have to do to keep this pathetic facade up.
Lestrade told me I had to do it.
I pretended I wanted to.
I knew this was going to be my life now, I am going to live the rest of my life with this beautiful woman I don't love. Maybe I can learn to love her. That's what my conscience has been telling me. Mary is happy being with me for the rest of her life, she loves me. It's a shame it is all one sided, we have been told many times that we make the perfect couple. It's a shame I was acting, pretending. I'm getting really good at it all. I know in my heart that this is the way I am going to die, acting as if I love the woman I am married to and still thinking of him, still loving him.
Because that is what I am. I am in love with him. I have never admitted it to myself but I love him and I always will. Even if he isn't here to love me back. I had never had chance to tell him that I loved him, and he was too oblivious, too naive, to notice all the signs. But that's just one of the many things that made him him. One of the many things I loved about him. One of this things I will miss about him, every day of the rest of my life.
I poured Mary some more of the wine whilst she talked to me about her day at work, about all her boring friends and colleagues that she works with. She is a primary school teacher, she teaches the little kids. She's told me many times before that she wants to have kids. I would have loved to have children, but with him. He'd always said that he hated them, that he would never go near children, never mind have any. But I knew, I knew that if we had had them he would have loved them so much. He would have been a brilliant father.
We made idle chat and the evening passed by slowly. Today was his day. I should be there, I should be with him now, I should have been there all day. I went very early this morning. I talked to him, I told him everything I never had to guts to say. I told him really stupid things about Lestrade and Molly and Mrs. Hudson. I told him about Mary. I told him how much I didn't want to be with her, how I wanted to be with him and how I needed him to come back.
And then I left, a bunch of pathetic flowers where I was sitting. I know that I will never have him back. I realised that ages ago. I just don't want to accept it.
After we finished our main meal it was time for deserts. We got a big slice of Chocolate cake to share and I knew that I had to do it now.
I felt in my pocket for the ring and I interrupted what Mary was saying - something about Mr. Howell, the headmaster of the school where she works - and I stared right into her eyes. I could feel the tears rising in my throat when I though about him, but I pushed it away. This is what I needed to do if I wanted my life to go on. Though I know it will never be the way I want it to be.
"Mary..." I said with as much feeling as I could muster. "Mary, I-I..."
"Mary, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you" I slowly lowered myself onto one knee in front of her. This was the first blatant lie I had told and it was killing me. It was all fake, just like the rest of the world believes he was.
And that was when it happened. The moment I had been waiting for.
He was there.
He was there.
He was really there.
He was stood in the doorway of the restaurant staring right at me. His eyes. Oh, those wonderful eyes were full of tears. He was crying. What could possibly be wrong? He was here, he is alive!
His gaze left mine and travelled down to the open ring box in my hand and Mary crying with happiness at it. He thought that I had moved on. He turned away from us, exiting through the doors and the rest happened in slow motion. I faintly heard Mary's voice. She was calling my name "John, are you okay, What's wrong?" Her voice just sounded distant. I felt as if I was underwater but I knew what I had to do.
I threw down the ring box and quickly got up from the floor, I sprinted over to the door, tears that I had held for years spilling down my cheeks "SHERLOCK!" I screamed, pushing my way through the restaurant doors being held open by the staff. I ran onto the street and looked both ways.
He had gone.
He was probably never there.
I was probably just seeing things again.
That was until a cracked voice from behind me called quietly "John" His voice broke as he said my name.
I spun round, quicker than I had thought possible and threw myself into his arms, crying into his chest. "Sherlock, you're-" My voice broke "You're not dead"
He looked down at me, as much feeling in his eyes as we both had in our chests. He lowered his head towards mine. "You asked me not to be" He replied simply, before kissing me with so much love and compassion I would be happy just to die right there and then, in the arms of the man I love.
"I love you Sherlock"
"I love you too, John" He whispered "I always have and I always will. It can be just you and me, Just the two of us against the rest of the world. Will you run away with me John?"
"Yes!" I practically shouted.
"Take my hand"
"Now people will definitely talk" I laughed.
