I Feel Everything and Nothing

It ALL Stems From Somewhere

                        When I first started school I was always so excited. To see my friends, new teacher and maybe even meet some new people. But that all changed by the time I reached middle school. I came to the realization that people and their desire to be the part of the "clique" was higher than their desire to do well in school. I never understood how no one else in my grade was as stressed as I was, it was just so hard for me to drop my work and go out and hang with friends. No one told me there was actually something wrong with caring too much about how well I do in school.. 

                        As school went on I started to realize that I would work myself up about doing well on my tests, homework and quizzes. I didn't just want to do well on them for myself but for everyone else too. I felt like I needed to prove my worth to everyone and without this self worth being proven I couldn't relax. Not only did everyone else at school expect me to do great but it had stemmed from my parents. 

                      Yes I understand that every parent wants great things for their child but forgive me if I'm wrong but making your child rewrite a three page essay, in the 3rd grade, every time he/she had made a mistake and needed to erase a word is a little much to put on an 8 or 9 year old. They had almost made me feel it was wrong to make an error and it expanded into many years of feeling a need of perfection on every little thing. 

                     Being in Elementary School and already feeling the necessity of having to be a perfectionist, played a large role on how I acted in Middle School. I used to act out quite a bit because I wasn't used to the freedom of expression at home. Yes I received a lot of moral support but it was like my emotions should be inferior to everything else, and there are emotions that should be expressed by girls and by boys. Sitting up late crying because you're stressed about everything was not on the list of "manly emotions".

                     I started to hide how I felt and eventually I would get over it (sort of), like hiding dirt under a carpet. But the problem with that is you can only put so much under there before someone notices. It wasn't the fact that I felt embarrassed, it was more mainly the fact I didn't want to drag people into my problems and I tried my hardest to keep how I felt hidden from everyone else. I figured everyone else had enough problems to deal with like me and you get that sense of pity when discussing your problems with someone. 

                  Long after I started hiding my feelings, I would start to feel nothing most nights because my mind had adjusted to the feeling of not feeling. It's almost like being numb but you still feel your stress in your stomach just trying to get a reaction of some sort out of you. Although most nights were like this, I did have nights where I felt everything at once, basically feeling like you're drowning in a pool of emotion. The worst part of it all for me wasn't all of the emotion I wasn't expecting, it was the fact I had been trapped in my own mind and there isn't an escape from how you feel.