As the years went on, oppressing my feelings almost became a habit forcing me to feel nothing at all, even when I was supposed to. It seemed like the only way I could feel is joy when talking to someone close to me, or when all my emotions came out when I was nervous about getting a grade back and then the relief of getting a good grade or the depression of failing, which in most cases was anything from an 85 or under.
Yes, although most people would be happy just to pass the habit of pushing myself to the absolute breaking point was a daily thing, and it destroys a person. Almost like how psychologists say mental abuse is more traumatic than physical, because wounds to the skin can heal, the wounds to our emotions and brain are incurable, making you forever in pain and trapped.
When the brain experiences destress, in a certain situation that the brain feels like it will not be able to handle, it deletes that memory, such as being in a bad car accident. This is why people experience memory loss including amnesia. Which is tied in with how some people end up feeling nothing, they could've experienced such mental and emotional abuse the brain feels like the emotions are doing literal harm to the body, and therefore gets rid of them completely.
Being in abusive relationships, I believe, had led me down this path also of not feeling like I'll ever be good enough, although not being the specific cause for the habit, the situation definitely did not relieve any of the suffering. Almost like drowning but trying to stay afloat with a weight attached to your feet, it does nothing but pull you down.
Thinking rock bottoms is feeling completely nothing, actual rock bottom is feeling everything at once. Almost like when someone is in shock, it takes awhile for the actual feelings to set in. But its not shock, I always thought it was because the build up of emotions that you're not expressing is slowly chipping away until you explode and everything comes out at once.
The feeling is overwhelming which makes you feel really intense anxiety. This is because your brain is literally confused by what you're feeling. You could be feeling depressed about the past but at the same time happy about a future yet to come and in-between this, feeling nervous for tests and basic life routines. Not only is this confusing but it makes your mind shut down, repeating the cycle, and making the habit impossible to break.
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I Feel Everything and Nothing
Non-FictionIt's not easy to live with your emotions. Especially considering the fact that not all of us experience them the same. Some experience every emotion at once, some don't feel anything at all and some feel them both at different times.
