Valerie's Guide to Fairy Tale Land

Valerie’s Guide to Princess Types

Because I can’t imagine that I’m the only one who finds these princess types confusing, I’m writing this guide. Maybe if someone else gets stuck here in fairy tale land, this’ll be useful. Anyway, I’m going to start each entry with what qualities that princess type is known for, then add my own opinions.

Snow White: Quiet, Accommodating, Gentle, Sweet. Read: Boring, submissive, and with only as much personality as their prince will allow them. Honestly, I wanted to slap some life into that girl. Definitely not my favourite type. But if you’re looking for someone to bully, they’re the perfect target. They’ll put up with almost anything.

Cinderella: Good Natured, Loyal, Hard Working, Generous. I find it hard to say much on Cinderellas since I’m supposedly one. I haven’t met any others so I can’t say much beyond I really don’t think those traits apply to me.

Sleeping Beauty: Curious, Impulsive, Passionate, Energetic. I’ve met two Sleepers so far. I like Amorrt, despite his tendency to go crazy at the drop of a hat. The other one though…dear god that girl was hyper. I swear she had the mouth of the Energizer Bunny because that’s the only way I can imagine her talking that fast. Watch out though, this lot are basically ruled by their emotions. So, you know, don’t piss one off.

Mermaid: Selfless, Loving, Devoted, Solitary. What they don’t tell you is that this almost never works out. The poor mermaid almost always dies in the end. Though some of them do kill the prince. Only one in like fifty will actually work out. And even if it does work out, I still feel bad for the mermaid girl. Most of the princes they end up with are assholes.

Pea Princess: Delicate, Sensitive, Straightforward, Royal. Now, I haven’t ever met a pea princess, but I looked up some old personal histories. From what I’ve read, I think I’m glad I haven’t met one. A lot of them apparently give themselves airs and walk around like they’re the most important person in the world. And about half of them are sickly to boot. I’m sure they’re not all like that, I’m not trying to tar them all with the same brush. But any girl who can feel a frigging pea through like fifty mattresses, isn’t someone I think will have a lot in common with me. You know, now that I think about it, this sounds a lot like Izarra…Maybe I can convince Darren to send her out in a storm this way.

Donkey Skin: Independent, Resourceful, Clever, Hard-Working. Probably the only type I really want to meet. Mostly because everyone seems to think I’m one which means we’d probably get along. I mean this type knows how to survive on their own, no problem. Not the usual floaty, damsel type of princess that makes me want to vomit. Pity there haven’t been any for the last sixty years. I hope that means a new one’s due.

           Rapunzel: Quiet, Solitary, Strong-Willed, Independent. The original working mom. Seriously, I feel bad for these girls. They get tossed into some frigging wasteland, pregnant, and are left to survive however they can. Then their prince, who has been wandering around crying (cause that’ll make things better), shows up a year or more later, and boom, life is good again. I’m sure Rapunzels are the one in charge because I can’t imagine someone who spent that long wandering around, wallowing in self-pity, is going to be much use in decision making. Damn, I am glad I’m not a Rapunzel.

           Rumplestiltskin’s (Or whatever his name is at the time) princess: Dependent, Clever, Gentle, Accommodating. One of the top “I feel sorry for them” princesses. They get saddled with some greedy bastard. Every time! If I were them, I’d have just asked Rumplestiltskin to take me away for the necklace. Heck, marry him cause he at least was nice enough to try and help you out. This is probably another example of me not understanding the fairy tale female’s mindset. But I mean, come on! You marry a guy who threatened to kill you if you didn’t make him money? Can’t anyone but me see what’s wrong with that picture?

            The Princess Who Cannot Laugh: Serious, Quiet, Proud, Independent. Another one I think I’d get along with. And another one I’m sure is the one making decisions. Which I think might have been the plan of one or two of them, find someone who’s good at following their orders. Cause you know most of the noble sort wouldn’t listen to a “mere woman’s” advice. Idiots. And at the least these girls end up with someone who can make them laugh. Come to think of it, if I find one of those, I’m going to ask if their husband wouldn’t mind walking around the council room with their goose. I would pay money to see them stuck to one another.