Connor's Confession

Together

"What...what do you mean? I don't understand..."
Oliver's eyebrows drew together and Connor could practically see the cogs turning in his brain. Oliver internally trying to connect the dots, to see what signs he missed, berating himself because how could he not have noticed something like this?

Connor swallowed as he watched Oliver react to the knowledge of being lied to by him once more.
His Ollie, his beautiful, nerdy, innocent Oliver Hampton who would never hurt a fly, deserved so much better than him.
Oliver worked hard for what he got, Oliver had a proper, non-life threatening job which paid for his own apartment. Oliver who wore adorably large glasses with black edging and always forgot to clean them. This amazing, older man who washed the dishes, kept his apartment surprisingly tidy at all times and whose furniture mostly consisted of modern aesthetic art pieces and multi-coloured, worn and tired books.

For reasons Connor felt he could never comprehend, Oliver fell in love with him. The conceited, confident, cocky Connor Walsh, who was selfish, sly and didn't give a damn about who he hurt once he got what he wanted. He even managed to change him into someone who was patient, who cared and who wasn't necessarily as much of an asshole as he used to be. Oliver fell for Connor and his panic attacks, the regular nightmares that wake Oliver up at all hours of the night, the long nights at the office and the flashbacks that he must all pretend are about his drug problem and not about Sam.
About what he did to Sam.

Connor took a shaky breath and stepped back just an inch so he could have more room to breathe.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry. I didn't want you to get hurt or...or be put in danger. Then I was also afraid if I did tell you...then... you would leave me. That you would kick me out like last time and I...I deserved it then and I deserve it now but I've...I've never felt as lost before as I did without you and I was scared, so cowardly and so damn scared to go back to that because I...I don't want to be without you Ollie. I don't-I can't."
His whole body is shaking now, tears dropping slowly from his crystal blue eyes, regretting ever opening his mouth, knowing it was much too late to back out now, praying to whatever God existed that his Ollie wouldn't leave him, wouldn't hate him like he hates himself.
The messy black haired boy felt his boyfriend's hand return to his and the trembling lessened as the brown eyed boy cautiously and gently tugged him onto the couch. They both sat and Oliver clutched his hands in his tightly.
"Just...just tell me what you did Connor."

It took him a few minutes but eventually Connor had stopped crying so much that he was now capable of speech. Looking into Oliver's eyes Connor told him everything.
He told him about that night, what really happened.
How he drove everyone in pure confusion to the Keating house in an attempt to stop any harm coming to Rebecca. Connor looked away from his partner when he recalled Michaela pushing Sam over the banister. The blood,
"Jesus Oliver there was so much blood."
Connor didn't let the tightening of hands, a shocked gasp or any of the varying expressions he caught out of the corner of his eye distract him as he recounted how he panicked, how they all panicked until before they could blink Sam was on top of Rebecca, chocking the life out of her. Connor's voice cracked when he told Oliver what Wes did and how Sam stopped moving, stopped breathing after that.
Words and memories poured out of him like a tsunami, all the secrets he had been hiding, all the lies he had told came pouring out of his mouth.
Asher almost walking in on them, being forced to hide, how he had to lay on the ground and stare into the unwavering, lifeless face of his boss's dead husband in complete silence as he fought to remember how he ended up in that situation in the first place.
His breathing became more rapid and shallow as he described how they destroyed the body, loading it into his car, bringing it to the woods, hacking away at his acquaintance's bones, Connor closed his eyes as he remembered the feel of the weapon in his hand, recounted how the body went up in flames.
Oliver listened in silence as Connor explained the aftermath, stuffing the ashes and pieces of the dead murderer into bin bags before tossing them carelessly into a nearby dumpster because they were all so unbelievably afraid. Connor refusing to get back into that car so he just walking and walking until he found himself where he needed to be. Outside Oliver Hampton's door at the break of dawn and there was nothing else he could do but knock and pray it was the man he hadn't been able to stop thinking who answered.
Connor ceased his talking for a moment to catch his breath.
He didn't look at his boyfriend, he was too terrified to see his reaction.
Connor Walsh was too cowardly to face the obvious disgust and repulsion on his Ollie's sweet, pure face.
"I wanted to eh, I wanted to go to the police. I-I tried, Michaela and I tried but they...the rest of them and" Connor let out a humourless laugh "And Annalise stopped us. I still wanted to but then...then I got to know you better and fell harder for you with each passing day and I...I didn't want to go to jail and never see you again."
Connor locked eyes with the ground and begged himself to stop crying, to stay strong until Oliver kicked him out into the cruel cold and then he could break down. Nevertheless the sobs continued to come and his shoulders shook more violently with each passing second and each earth shattering revelation.
"I..I love you, I fell totally in love with you. I was selfish, I didn't want to be without you so I kept up the charade, pretended I was addicted to drugs because I wanted you...I didn't want you to see me for what I really am. A pathetic, cheating, lying murderer."
Why had he said anything?
Why did he tell his precious Ollie what he had done?
Because he's a coward.
A pathetic coward who deserves to rot in jail to the end of time for what he did, for Sam, for hurting Oliver.
"I had to tell you" he unconsciously murmured, "I wasn't strong enough...the lies, I couldn't....you deserved the truth...I don't...I don't deserve you...I...I'm sorry...I'm sorry I-"