love?

sweet dreams <3

"it took you long enough." i hear ray tell me from behind the door. i shrug shit. he knows that i know. can i hide? shit he is opening the door. i quickly pretend that im asleep but i feel him grab my wrist and pull me up. "your not very bright are you?" he asks me as i nod no and i let a tear cascade down my cheek "go ahead cry im not going to stop you this time your off the clock." he tells me sitting in the chair next to the bed. "that means i cant leave even if i tried. becasue if i do there is no way i can leave alive" i tell him as he pulls the blanket off the bed and sits next to me. "you ARE smart. your here until we cant use you anymore. once  your done here you will have the ultamite death sentence. you would know too many mafia secrets that coulod cause our downfall." he tells me as i then shiver at the cold. he then puts his arm around me and begins kissing my neck "you see doll. your just a toy." he tells me as he leaves the room. in my mind i still fear the worst. the forcefull sex and the horrible memories. the spine chilling most grotesque men alive using me to please their inner sexual pleasures. i close my eyes and attempt  to get more than 4 hours of sleep.

I wake up to my alarm clock and I go on with my regular schedule. get up, cup of coffee, get dressed, dance, cup of coffee, other outfit, noon, shot of jack, dance etc.. then repeat the next day. I just cant wait until they find a new girl. I can stop doing as many dances and actually enjoy my drink without having to chug it down and burn it off. each day I get more depressed and the thought of coco makes me cry, the tears stream down my face like a permanent waterfall. the more I drink the better I feel it drowns out the pain. I grab the last cigarette in my pack and smoke it in my secret hiding spot. if ray ever found out I was smoking he would kill me. its kind of funny, I cant wait to leave but then again once I do I cant go alive. I cant live my so called normal life I think I had. can I ever remember my past or am I doomed to a pointless future? did tino forget about me? about coco? I then see a flash of a woman holding me. "I love you Jessica, I wont be here in a few years but you will. you can be the change in the family and do some good. don't give up you can do whatever you put your mind to. just ask your father that's how he convinced me to marry him" I hear her say as the flashback then fades out as a man approaches me. "how much?" he asks me as I then laugh "you couldn't afford it" I tell him as I walk past him. "how's 3 million?" he asks me "nope." I tell him as I continue walking. about 2 minutes later I finally get back to what feels like a dorm.

I sigh for the millionth time today and begin to change into the next outfit. I pull down my fishnet tights to reveal a bruise. I cover it with makeup and head back to the stage. before I go on I grab a glass of champagne and chug it down "lets do this" I tell myself as I walk onto the stage and begin my job. make the men happy, grab the tips and get ready for the next one. the best part is I can grab the patrons drinks and ray doesn't even care. at least I get to feel less pain while pleasing these psychopaths.  I finish the dance and throw the glass onto the crowd and head up to ray's office. I then knock and let myself in. "hey ray we got to talk." I tell him as he puts his arms behind his head. "what doll." he tells me. "I have a problem with the new rule." I say as he rolls his eyes. "your not allowed to smoke because if you get cancer we lose you faster and we cant find atrractive girls in a snap. after we had to kill Diana then jane we lost profit." he tells me as he stands up he then begins pushing me out of the door "we cant loose you doll face your our top seller right now we cant be sold out this fast." he says as he closes his door.

once again im surrounded by pigs. I head to my next private visit and we agree among our trade, I please him, he dosent tell ray and gives me 1 pack an hour. I walk into the room we meet in and begin business. "so what today john?" I ask him "well, let me get you out of here. just me and you, no cigerettes no ray and freedom." he tells me I then think if this is a set up. I move my head to look at the floor, john then picks my chin up and grabs my hands. " Jessica ive fallen in live with you and you deserve to get out of here its not right for a queen. I can get you out of here and they will never find you I promise. just trust me dear, you can and will be better we can change your name, move far far far away from this hell hole." he tells me as I shead a tear. "don't lie to me . this is a set up no matter what I say im dead. just do it." I tell him sobbing "do what dear?" he asks me wiping my tears but I push him back. "just kill me now. this is a dream or a set up. so kill me if I die ill be free on my terms and if its a dream then ill wake up and continue on" I tell him as he sits on the bed taking a shot of wiskey. "this is why I need to get you out of here, your scared and don't need to be . you've become pessimistic and lost your way of light. if I didn't care and this was a so called set up I would be ravaging you but im not I really care for you jess, you could be so much more than a mafia whore. just trust me." he tells me. "fuck it. lets do this, but im telling you now, if we get caught im taking the easy way out and will hold a gun to my brain, and shoot if I go out its on my terms not rays." I tell him as I take the shot out of his hand and throw it to the ground and chug the whole bottle.

"we leave in 1 week, keep up the good work. ray has to believe you still want to be here but cant risk leaving. whatever possesions you hold dear let me know and ill put them at my place." he tells me as we both go our seprate ways until next Saturday. he hands me my 3 packs and I head back to my room and stash them. I get ready for the next dance and smile, im finally going to be free no more stripping and sleeping around, im going to have a family of my own and make my own decicions based on what I want not ray.

it seems like a fantasy, a goal or a dream I can finally reach. I could find out who the woman was I hear talking to me who in context seems like my mother. I could have a day to day average life, go to the market, cook exotic foods and make friends who wont stab me in the back. if john is true to his word I could be me and not ray. I just cant get the thought out of my head that this is a big elaborate set up and I'm going to wind up dead. 7 more days. 168 more hours. and 400+ more shots. I see a light calling my name, Jessica, your free enjoy life. its like a warm blanket protecting me from the cold. once I'm out I'm finding tino and asking him what he knows of my family. I need to sleep but I cant, I'm too excited. I laugh and take off my makeup for once I can fall asleep with a smile on my face.