She

Chapter 4

The first thing they asked me about was the bill. Because this world revolves around money. Money. Sex. Drugs. Popularity. It was only until after they took her body away that I was asked about myself. But all I could think about was her. I will never see the light in her eyes or that gorgeous smile gracing her face. Never will I hold her close during storms or feel her lips against mine. I will never experience anything with her. The world seems empty without her. Like every door has shut and locked and she took the keys with her.

Although I will never be able to do anything with her. I can still love her with my whole heart. She and I were like chocolate and vanilla...

It feels like a year has passed after her funeral. But it's only a week. Her mother didn't come, no surprise there. I spoke, trying to stay together before her friends and my family. Her office sent condolences and my neighbour sent flowers. Nothing seemed to help. I needed her but she was gone. Only she could fill this empty space in my head and in my heart.

"You should go out dear, have fun." My mother says from the doorway to the living room.

"I don't feel like it." I grumble and pull the blanket over my shoulders.

"You're going to waste away if you keep at this. You haven't ate or slept and all you do is sit around the house. Go out. It's a beautiful day."

I look out the window. In the movies, it's always raining after sad times. But today the sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. She always loved days like this.

"Honey... I have to go back to New York soon. Why don't we go shopping" my mother forces a smile onto her old tired face.

I nod and stand, knocking over a small statue that she had made about a year ago. It falls the floor and shatters. I stare at it, unable to move.

"Oh darling I'll clean up, you get dressed," she squats down and scoops up the large pieces with her hand.

I shuffle away into my bedroom, I open her closet and look at her dresses. I feel the fabric and remember how it looked against her skin.

After some time, I finally bring myself to get dressed. Simple jeans, shirt, shoes. All of it felt like I was lifting cement blocks. I felt heavy and numb. I look over her perfumes, all of which I loved. There were some missing that I had previously smashed against a wall. I shake my head to clear the memory and slip on a hat to cover my greasy hair.

"You look presentable"

"Yeah thanks, Mom."

"Maybe you should come back to New York with me..."

"No, I'll be fine. I have a job and I'm gonna try and get back on my feet."

She nods and we head out to her car.

After shopping, we go back home for dinner. I sit in the living room looking at all her art proudly hung on the wall. I wipe my eyes quickly and turn on the TV.

"Hey dinner's ready, do you just want to eat in here?"

I nod and she brings my plate in. I always liked my mom's cooking. After my mom and Kevin's divorce my mother seemed to get ahold of her life. She began to take classes for parenting, so she could help me and my baby brother. When my brother decided he wanted to live with Kevin my mother took full responsibility of her life. She had her shit together.

"I know you always liked hot wing pizza." She laughs, "I always found it slightly odd."

I chuckle and nod.

"Remember when you told me you wanted to become vegan? That lasted for about a week until you begged me to make you a loaded bacon cheeseburger"

I nod, "Daniel would just eat mac 'n cheese 24/7 if he wanted to."

"Your brother wanted whatever was easy."

I nod again and take a small bite of my pizza.

"Kevin called," she says after a while of silence.

"I don't care."

"He's your father."

"He happened to provide sperm. That does not make him my father!"

"Darling I did love him..."

"He was awful to you!"

"There's love within abuse. Just let me tell you what he said."

"No."

"Okay fine." She sighs and takes a bite of her pizza. She and I looked fairly similar. Same light hair and blue eyes. Though my skin was paler than hers I knew I got that from Kevin. I'd seen his picture a few times, normally it was taken while he was at a bar or whenever Daniel and him went to some sort of landmark. My mother was always updating me about Daniel. How he's doing. Who he's dating. Yadda yadda yadda. I didn't care.

"Want another slice?" my mother asks as she stands holding an empty plate. I look at my half-eaten slice of pizza. I shake my head and she nods. "You should try to eat more... You've lost so much weight."

"I'm never hungry."

My mother sighs again, "you need to eat dear."

"Don't tell me how to live my life!!" I yell and storm away. Slamming the door the my bedroom... no, our bedroom. I lie on the bed and just stare at the ceiling, my thoughts racing. I feel like everything has begun to close in on me. I roll over and just sob, I don't remember fall asleep.

The next thing I know the sunlight is shining through the window highlighting every aspect of the room. I glance at the clock on the bedside table, it's 10:52. My mom would have left by now. I'm alone. Again.

I walk into the kitchen and see a small note, it's from my mom. It reads;

"Harriet,

Don't let the past define you. Look to the present and think positively. It's okay to feel pain, but don't hurt yourself because of what happened. Clara wouldn't want this for you. She loved you and you know that you have to take care of yourself. Go to work, hang out with friends. Live life. You'll see Clara again soon.

With love,

Mom"

I sigh and put the note in my pocket, thinking over her words. I let my mind wander and I think about her. Everything I loved. I loved her hair, her skin, her laugh, her everything. She was mine. There was no other girl like her. No one to complete me. I needed her like a drowning man needs air. She was everything I wanted, needed, and could ask for. Although she's gone I know that I can still have her with me. In my heart. My baby, my love.

My Clara.