Out Of Desperation // Harry Styles

18

JENNA'S POV:

We woke around 9pm. Our sleep schedule was ALL messed up. We'd have to work on getting it back to normal. But for now, we decided we were hungry. Harry went into the kitchen, and called out "I'd say my mum was here while we were sleeping!"

Wow. We sure do sleep soundly together! Or we're more tired than we feel.

That sort of scared me at first. We didn't lock the door. I mean, I know there's no one after us. Everyone bad is dead. We don't have to worry now. Other than normal street smarts, of course. But I didn't want to forget to lock the door again. Yikes. I gotta get back into reality faster than this! I'm used to doing nothing but laying around in Harry's arms. Which I wished I could do forever. But...life must be lived and all.

I got a chill when I thought of Harry's  life. Touring. Always on the road. Away. In other countries. For months and months....sh.it. HOW would we do this? How would I deal with being away from him?

Talk about reality!

Harry walked in with some food on one plate, and two drinks for us. He stopped when he saw the look on my face. I tried to hide it and look happy, but it was too late.

"What's wrong?" he knew me too well already.

"Nothing. I mean....nothing. Really. Just....reality", I lied.

"Uh uhh. No. Jenna. Tell me what's wrong. I mean it. I don't want lies. I don't want things held in. I always want to know. Especially with what we've been through. You're gonna have a lot of odd feelings, and I want to know about every single one. I don't want anything to ruin us, ok? I'll tell you everything if you tell me, ok? Please. This is important. We have to be honest with eachother, so we know what's up. How we're dealing with what happened. And we have to keep eachother in check.

And I'm calling that shrink's number today, that the doctor gave us. Ok? We'll go together. We HAVE to.

We have to heal correctly. Healthily. Is that even a word? It is now", he smiled to me as he sat down next to me and placed the plate and drinks on the coffee table.

"Fine. You're right. I just...didn't want to bother you with stuff right away. I was thinking of reality, like having to get used to it, like the littlest details, like locking my apartment door. And life going on. Being lived. Stuff we have to do. Take care of. Etc.

And then I thought of YOUR life, and how YOU live it, and realized that you're on the road all the time. In foreign countries for months and months. You're in a foreign country NOW, even!

And I got chills wondering how I'd handle being without you like that. And how it would work for us.

I got scared. There. That's what was wrong", I smiled to him doubtingly.

"Jenna. Don't you worry about any of that. Do you think I could leave you while I went and did all that?

I'm hoping like hell, that you chose to come with me for it ALL. I want you by my side through everything. I want you next to me at awards shows. I want you there every single night after gigs and after parties. I want you AT gigs. I want you AT after parties with me.

I know it's selfish to ask you to leave your life for mine, but....I'm hoping you will want to come with me. Hell...you can even bring Brooke, if you want, just to make you more comfortable.

If you don't want to, then....we'll have to deal with that. Somehow. I have contracts to fullfill, so I can't just stop. Otherwise, I totally would. I'd stop the world and melt with you, Jenna. See what I did there? Stuck some song lyrics in there. Ha ha", he laughed to me to break the intensity.

"I....I can come with you. I can. But...I'll feel....in the way! I'll feel...useless. Like I'm your little pet or something. I don't know. Do you know what I mean? I have a life here, sure. But it's nothing I can't leave or put on hold. College can wait. My grocery store job can wait. I like the idea of Brooke coming along....not that she'll want to just up and leave HER life....of course, she's into glamourous stuff more than me, so she might jump at the chance...But I don't have money to do this. And neither does she..."

Harry interrupted me with a "Really? Seriously?" look. "You really think I'd make you pay for your own way with me? I'll even pay for Brooke! I mean, for what you both need. I'm not talking shopping sprees, so let Brooke know that, please, heh heh....but of course I'd pay for it all. And if YOU wanna shop, go right ahead."

"I don't shop much, so you're lucky there", I said sarcastically.

"And you will NOT be in the way. If there's something you want to do...a job on tour, then we can set that up if it makes you feel more useful. I get it. I totally hear you. You don't want me to be your sugar daddy, basically. That's cool. But you'd be there because I need you with me. I want you with me. And because you want to be with me. And that's good enough reason. Your purpose would be to help me keep going and not lose my mind, missing you. I've done that before, Jenna. I missed my ex like CRAZY. And we thought it would work out, but it didn't. And I'm so scared that the same will happen with you and I, and I just got you and I don't wanna let you go."

"Speaking of ex's...What if she wanted to be back in your life, Harry? I just thought of that. What if? I think you'd jump at the opportunity to be with her again. You loved her very much. The world can tell that from the few songs you wrote about her. And I'm sure you miss her still to this day.

I mean...I'd totally understand. I wouldn't even be mad. It would kill me, but I wouldn't be mad. I've always missed one of my ex's. He was everything I'd ever wanted at the time. He was romantic. Sweet. Thoughtful. Great sex....and if he ever made a move to come back to me, I would have jumped on him so hard, he wouldn't know what hit him.

But, then....I met you. And you're so much more than him. So much more what I want NOW. And yes, BEFORE I knew your last name!

"Exactly, Jenna. She WAS what I wanted. She USED to be what I loved. But I've gotten over her in the past year or two. Remember, there's other girl inspired songs on my records.

And just like you explained. YOU came along. And you are sooooo much more than her. So much more than she will ever be. When I'm with you, I can't remember why I thought I was so happy with her.....but anyway, don't even worry. She does NOT want me back. Ha! We're done. Believe me. If money and fame didn't tempt her back, nothing will!", Harry laughed at that.

"Ok. I hope you don't think I was being jealous. I just....get scared sometimes. You're famous! Everyone loves you. And who am I? Just.....Jenna. So it's scary to think of up and leaving for your life, and then getting dumped somewhere in the middle of Nebraska or something, cause you realized I'm a pain in the as.s girlfriend, and you don't want me trailing along like a homeless puppy anymore. I'm sorry, Harry....it's scary for me. I hope you understand, though. It's nothing against you....just fame, I guess." I said.

He hugged me and gave me a kiss on the nose. "I totally understand. And as long as we're totally honest like this, all the time....what could possibly go wrong? Besides you getting tired of me", he smiled down at me from my side. "Now eat. Drink. Be merry, dammit. We're free. And we're together. And we're alive", he reminded me.

Right. What the HELL was I doing thinking so much already? Note to self. Stop thinking too much, and just take everything as it comes. Day by day.

On this very day, you are alive. You are free. You survived something awful. And yet, you came out of it with a terrific, talented, awesome, romantic, caring, loving, momma's boy of a boyfriend.

Be happy about that!

So we ate, drank, and tried to be merry, but ended up being tired again. It felt like we'd never stop being tired. After some mindless tv to catch up with the world again, we fell asleep on the couch again. I was sure glad my couch was one of those wide ones. I wondered if we'd ever sleep in my double bed. Wondered. Not cared.