Only You(Tube) 2 // A Joe Sugg Fanfiction

Chapter 26: Broken

Zoë pulls up at the house that I used to call home, but it seems anything but as of present. The last place of which I want to be. I climb out of the car without saying goodbye, and, just before she pulls away from the curb, I see her drag her hands over her eyes, and wipe her tears, before driving away.

How I even manage to walk up to the door without falling I do not know. I do not even know how it is that I am still functioning. My rock has gone, has been worn and weathered away, and cannot reform. Already struggling, feeling weak at the knees, I raise my fist, and knock upon the front door of the house of hers. But now it belongs to my dad, and just my dad. I wait. A wait that seems eternal. Seeing them will hardly make me feel any better.

The door is opened by a figure, who I recall to be Jack as I look up, though my vision is blurred by the tears in my eyes, and his features are fuzzy. 'Estelle -' He breaths, but I do not answer as I push my way into the house, and move past him. 'Please -'
'Don't, please.' I sob, my bottom lip trembling. 'I just need to be alone.'
'No, you need us.'
'I don't want you.' I hiss, anger bubbling in my stomach. 'I don't want you right now. I have nothing to say to you, I thought I could trust you with my life. The hardest thing is you're one of the people I love the most, and you hid the biggest and most important secret in the world from me. And you'll never be able to take it back. That goes for all of you.'
'So why are you here?'
'Because there is nowhere else to go, and this was my home!' I shout, running up the stairs in a fit of sobs, and slamming a door behind me, only just now noticing all blinds to be shut, and just how dark it is in the house.

I extract my phone from my pocket and find Joe, dialling the number. It rings for a while before he answers, and just when I am about to hang up, I hear his voice, 'Estelle?' I can do nothing but sob, his voice is the only comfort that I have right now, in this room that was formally mine. I know that he knows from my crying, but I have to say it, to someone or other, and relieve some pressure in my chest. 'She's - she's gone, Joe.'

Silence.

Silence expect sobs from me, and sniffles from the other end of the line. 'I'm so sorry Estelle. Truly. Your mum was one of the most amazing women that I ever met in my whole life.' I know how much Joe cared for her, but I am so grieved by the situation that I do not even process his words. 'I didn't get to say goodbye, Joe.' I know that he is at a loss for words, I know he cannot do anything but be silent, as I begin the recount, once more, in angry lamentations, just how selfish my family has been.

'They couldn't even tell me she was dying - they didn't have the courtesy to tell me, to warn me, of what was coming. I am done with people trying to protect me; if they knew me, they would ultimately have told me sooner. Yet then I cannot help but blame myself -'
'Stel, non of this was your fault.' Joe consoles, his tone saddened.
'I should have been here for her.' I wail, burying my face in my free hand. 'Oh, Joe, why must it be this way?'

'Baby, please don't beat yourself up over this. It wasn't your fault - you know better than anyone that accidents happen, and that everything happens for a reason. It's just life. Your mum's was short-lived, much shorter than we could have expected. But at least you had a healthy relationship with her, babe. Can you remember that time, when you were sixteen, and you had that big argument with her, and took refuge at our house?'
'Yes.' I reply.

'You never wanted to speak to your mother again after that - it was the last thing on earth that you desired. But imagine if you had held that grudge, now where would you be? You would be on the verge of a breakdown, and pointing the blame at other things. Yes, your family acted stupidly, I'll give you that, but, in all honesty, it happened for a reason. There is a bigger picture.'
'It doesn't feel like it.' I wail. 'You haven't lost your mum, Joe!'

A sigh is all I hear. 'I know. I can't feel like anything you are presently feeling right now, I can't feel close to it, I will one day, though. Your mum is in a better place.'
'I wish that stupid fucking cancer didn't exist.' I growl.
'I know, but it does. Think how much pain she was in, though. You saw how ill she was, how horribly exasperating it was to witness her bad days. She couldn't keep living like that, she deserved better.'

I know that Joe is only trying to help, only trying to make me feel better, but it doesn't help. Nothing can bring her back to a bright, happy, vibrant state. Nothing. And that is the horrible truth. 'I wish it wasn't like this.' I sob, my head falling back against the lilac wall of the room. 'Yeah, I know, me too.' Joe falls silent for a minute, as do I, all that may be heard is the sobs that drain our bodies and drown out any attempt at speech. Just when I think Joe has gone, because of his being so quiet, his voice appears, though small. 'You've still got your family, Estelle. You've still got us.' He's so right, he's always right. He and the kids have my back.