Not Just Skin Deep (A Dan And Phil Fanfiction )

Chapter 4

Dan's POV:

When kissing Phil, it felt instinctive, like a primal desire that I wanted. I wanted Phil with all my heart and all my mind; the very core of my being always seemed to be craving more of this wonderful ray of sunshine. He made me feel like I was worth something. When Phil entered my life, I felt hopeful that things would get better, that I could actually have a normal life. Phil still doesn't know.

Until now, I didn't have the confidence to tell him about my habit. I know I shouldn't have done what I did but it was the only way to relieve the itching, the constant itching. Cutting. I used to just sit on my floor for hours, slitting more and more lines into my flesh, watching intently as each crimson drop would fall to the floor. With the blood came tears, seemingly endless tears that caused even more pain than the blades. Slowly, they would seep into my wounds, stinging like acid. Of course, there were scars. They were countless and a constant reminder to me of why I really was a fail. I hated myself more each time the metal pierced my skin but it was somewhat addictive. Try as I might, I couldn't stop.

When I met Phil for the first time, I knew I could not let him see. I didn't want him thinking I was mental! So, I turned to cardigans. I could easily pull them over my wrists and Phil wouldn't suspect a thing. Though, as time went on, I found that I didn't need the cardigans any more. Without even realising, I found that I no longer wanted to cut myself. Phil had done this, Phil had helped me in so many ways yet I could never let him find out. To do so, I thought, would mean the end of our friendship.

Although I've not used my blades in a long time, I can still feel the ridges that run along my arms like white rivers. The pale lines have almost healed and can hardly be seen. Still, I think I want Phil to know. I want him to know who I used to be so that he can better understand me now because it's not fair to keep him in the dark forever. The question is, do I want to put him through this? Do I want him to know that I was in pain for years and that he couldn't do anything to stop me? Do I want Phil to think that he failed me in some way? Of course not! It could be too much for him to cope with. I just don't know, but I have that take that chance.

If I was going to do this, I had to do this properly. I waited until Phil had gone to finish getting ready and picked up my phone from my desk. Without a pause for thought, I called Adrian.

Come on... Pick up...

"Hi, Dan.", Adrian said quietly. My brother was always very quiet; he kept himself to himself and tended to stay out of other peoples' way. This shy, mouse of a boy didn't really talk about much but when he did, it was as if the whole world was listening. But it was not like this now. No, not at all; his words were barely more than a whisper and he was sobbing under his breath.
"Adrian...", I said, fearful of what was happening on the other end of the line. "Adrian what's happing? Why are you crying?"

"Dan...Dan I found them. I found them under the floor boards in your room. I can't stop it, Dan. It hurts so good..." Adrian's voice trailed off and I heard the thud of the phone hitting the carpet. As it did, I heard him yell out in pain and I knew exactly what was happening.
"Adrian, listen to me! You're going to be ok, just hold on. I'll be there as soon as possible. It'll be alright, I promise.", I said, tripping over my words, my eyes welling up once more.

"How do you know?", questioned Adrian through the tears. "How do I know that everything will be alright? Because at the moment, things seem pretty shit to me!"
"Look, Adrian, I was in your shoes once and I felt like I couldn't stand living, like there was no point and believe me, I had never felt so shit in my life so I know how you feel. It will get better some day, I promise you that, Adrian but cutting, like I did, won't help you in any way. Just try and resist until I get there. Please, Adrian."

As quickly as I could, I pulled on a black T-shirt and the jumper that still lay on the floor, then grabbed my keys and some money.
"Where are you off to?", I heard Phil's voice say. I stopped, turned around to see Phil poking his head out of the kitchen. "I thought you said we were going to make pancakes."
"I did. I just thought I'd..." I was trying to think of some sort of excuse but my mind went blank. "Phil, I think you should come with me. No time to tell you now, I'll explain on the way. Just put some shoes on, quick. Oh, and bring a coat with you; we'll probably be gone for a couple of hours or so."
"Gone where?", Phil said in confusion.
"Adrian. We need to get to Adrian as soon as possible. He found my..." I paused just in time to prevent the words from slipping out of my mouth. "Hurry up, Phil. I told you: I'll tell you more on the way. Now, come on.",
"Alright, alright. I'm going as fast as I can.", Phil said, sounding slightly agitated.

Phil finished tying his laces and I handed him his coat. Soon enough, we were out of the flat and on the streets of London once more. I only hoped that their was still enough time.