Fallen Ash

A/N: Where the heck has Nik been?

Hey guys, okay so I know I haven't been updating for almost 2 months now and I have a couple excuses. 1, I made a new wattpad account dedicated to fanfictions (it's literally fandomfanfictions16 cause I am a trash can) and I spent a little time on there but recently stopped and I have a couple of excuses and they aren't very happy ones in all honesty.

My first reason is school, I have a bunch of crap happening right now. My teachers are trying to rush a bunch of units and trying to tie it all up so we can study for finals and state testing. I've got like 3 projects getting ready to happen, and several tests that will more than likely fall on top of 2 days. Then, as I said, finals and state testing is coming up, and to put on top of that I have an AP exam to see if I can get into an AP class next year (most likely won't happen). So I've been studying my butt off while trying to bring my grades up (they aren't very pretty). *this is where I accidentally curse and then realizes my dad follows me so I have to censor, I'll just use ice cream flavors from here on*

My second reason is that I've been struggling with depression and anxiety lately. It's nothing serious it's mostly because of the stress of school, it's all piled up and the stress sorta got to me and I'm now depressed that I'm not good enough to pass school, ya know, calling myself stupid and dumb. The anxiety is kicking in because I'm worried I won't pass the school year or get into the school I want to next year. So, it's not serious it's just stress that will pass once things go a little easier (which is like the end of the year)

My third reason is that there is A LOT of drama happening in my life right now. I just recently had two of my close friends (who were dating) break up and they are completely losing it. So I've been comforting them. Next is, there's this guy I have a huge crush on and he happens to be my best friend, but lately  he's been acting like a douche. He's always been arrogant and childish, but it was more like Peter Pan, but recently it's gotten worse. It's like he's turned his emotions off entirely and just doesn't care. He's acting like nothing matters unless it has to do with him, and it's been making me feel down. It's gotten to the point that I now need to talk to him and see what he wants to do, which is 1)save what we DO have or 2) completely lose everything we have. He's been really distant from me and just stopped caring about everything, almost like the world revolves around him. But I haven't been able to actually talk to him because I'm just so scared of actually losing him, it's something that would completely tear me apart, after knowing him for nearly 10 years, it's like...do I really want to throw ALL of that away? How can he not care? It's been bothering me a lot and I've been trying to work it out in my head but it's a matter of I'm just so scared of his response. I know that I should let him go if he doesn't care about me, even though he's the entire world to me, but knowing that he has become my whole world, is what's gonna completely destroy me. Besides that drama, a lot of my friends have been severely depressed and I've been trying to help them, but almost all of my friends have something going on and it's hard for me to be there for all of them at once. 

My fourth reason is my own family issues. My grandfather has been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past few months, on Wednesday he is going back to his kidney stone surgery, but he's been struggling horridly with depression. We had to get him on medicine that MAKES him eat, cause he hasn't been eating lately. He's been getting sicker and sicker as each day passes, he doesn't go to church much anymore (even though he hardly ever used to not go). With the rate that things are going I'm completely mortified that I'm gonna lose him this summer, which is hard on me because a year and a half ago, I lost my grandmother to a similar problem. She got a surgery that wasn't healing and she died literally the Saturday before 8th grade started. So the whole thing with my grandfather has me anxious. Then there's my aunt and uncle who might be moving to another state due to work and if that happens, then my parents and I might have to move in order for my grandfather to move in, cause we don't have the money to send him to a nursing home, not to mention all the reports of abuse happening in nursing homes. So moving is a possibility in the future and my parents are worried and stressed out about it. 

Basically my life is a wreck right now and it's stuff that's hard to control. But once it is back under control I'll hopefully have the motivation to start writing again, for now just try and bear with me.

I really am sorry for the lack of updates I'll try and get to them as soon as I possibly can. Thanks everyone.

~Nik