Be My Forever

Smother

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO THE TOPIC OF DEATH, SUICIDE, ALCOHOL, AND DRUGS; DO NOT READ THIS

(play the song while reading)
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In a perfect world, Nicomaine Mendoza would never have to struggle a day in her life. She would never second guess herself. She would never question her existence. She would never sin. In a perfect world, she would always be secure. She would always be safe. But most of all, Maine would always be first.

But that's exactly what the world isn't. Perfect. Which is why Maine fought a never ending battle. Which is why she was always second guessing her place in this world. She was always sinning. She was always trying to protect herself from the worst. Which is why Maine always had to settle for second best.

It wasn't as if she didn't fight hard enough, because God knows that's all she's been doing her whole life. It's just that, every time she was about to get her well deserved place as number one, someone or something always had to fuck it up. So she had to settle to be the second best daughter. The second best setter in her college volleyball team. And the second best- if even that- in his life. She's well aware of this, and frankly, so is her best friend Patricia. She had lectured Maine about the situation countless amounts of times, but the naïve girl just couldn't get it through her god damn head.

"God, Maine," Patricia had stressed for the millionth time when Maine begged her to come to her apartment.

"When will you get it in your noggin that you're the one fucking this up for yourself. He never forced you to be in this relationship".

Of course- as much as it hurt to hear the truth- her friend was (always) right. But Maine was a hopeless romantic and the story of how she met Richard was out of a fairy tale story. It was surreal, and magical, and enchanting. She was a damsel in distress and he was her Knight in shining armor. It was exactly how she imagined she'd meet the love of her life- her soul mate. But like in all fairy tales, there was an antagonist. Except this time, she technically was the villain. Because isn't that what the third party is called? Aren't the villains the ones who get  in the way of relationships? Because that's exactly what Maine was doing. She's not proud of it. She's not proud of having him, but what can she do? He makes her happy. He makes her a sinner, but a happy one at that. Except this has its limits. He only makes her a happy sinner when they're panting each other's names, and her nails are digging into his back. He only makes her a happy sinner when he's kissing her neck, tongue warm against her skin, lips trailing to her shoulders, nibbling on collar bone as he traces down the valley of her breasts, open mouthed kisses ever downward to her stomach. He only makes her a happy sinner when he's calling her "baby" and "mine", and as much as she is his, he isn't- and will never be- her's.

Which always gets Maine's brain turning. These times when she realizes how fucked up her situation is, are the only times when she'll listen to Patricia's words. So she rings Patricia in a drunken state ("Please, Patring-" hiccup "I do-" hiccup "I don't know what to do"), and the cycle has once again reached the full circle. That's when Patricia reminds Maine that she does, in fact, have a choice.

"You have to choose Maine. Do you want happiness, or do you want him?"

"I want to find my happiness in him"

Patricia's replies to this by scoffing at the girl in front of her. Being Maine's best friend was a real struggle at times. Especially times like these, in which the only thing she can do is watch the person she cares so much about, tear herself apart. Because she knew; hell everyone knew. Maine could never find happiness when she was with him. Maine was a bad person for committing adultery, but really she was no sinner. Her mind would constantly remind her of the fact that someone else's heart would have to be broken in order for her's to be taped back together. And that's just it. It's not even as if her heart could ever become whole again. Except she could never find happiness without him either. Where would she be without him? He makes up her other half. He was her home, her safe haven, her security. But he was also the cause of her self destruction.