Unchanging [h.s. au]

nineteen

After hobbling in my useless heels for a few steps, I ripped the straps off and held them in my hands while I continued to run. The sun was setting over the sparkling ocean, and I would have stopped to admire its glowing beauty if I didn't have so many thoughts running through my head. I just needed to get away. The tent felt suffocating with its upper class and elite crowd, which in turn, only made me feel more out of place.

Harry was one of them. Harry was a prominent elite and I was close to a nobody.

"Clara!"

I recognized Harry's deep voice from far behind me, but I didn't stop to look back. I knew he was probably confused but I couldn't face him right now.

Unfortunately, my dress wasn't doing me any favors and only caused me to slow down. Soon enough, I could hear Harry's feet close behind me.

"Clara, where are you going?" His hand reached out and pulled my shoulder around to abruptly stop my progress.

Knowing I wouldn't win in a fist fight to get away, I swatted his hand and lashed out. "I can't believe it!"

His eyes went soft. "Hey, hey, calm down. What are you talking about?"

"Deborah told me. Harry, you've been lying to me this whole time!"

I could tell Harry immediately understood what I was talking about and he looked down ashamedly at his feet. "Well, it was more of not admitting the truth."

"Pretty much sounds like lying to me." I folded my arms. "When were you planning on telling me?"

Harry kicked some dirt on the ground. "Whenever it came up, I guess."

I sighed. "I just don't how to deal with this."

"Then don't," he simply said.

Harry's blatant unconcern bothered me. "Don't you understand? You left out a big part of your life. I thought you were just a normal guy, working at a country club. But you're not! You're basically nobility out here!" I motioned to the club grounds. "Everybody knows you! I was at that wedding for barely an hour and I could hardly take all the chit chat and haughty stares. I don't think I could ever be a part of that world."

Harry's shameful face turned dark. "So that's what you think I am now? An arrogant jerk?"

"No!" I dug the palms of my hands into my eyes, frustrated. "I'm not cut out for this type of life, Harry. You don't deserve someone like me in your pristine society."

"You're wrong." Harry reached out and moved my hands away from my face. "You are so wrong."

I stumbled a few steps away from him. "I think," I took a deep breath. "I think we need to take a break."

Harry looked stunned. His hands slowly dropped back to his sides before he resolutely spoke.

"No. We can figure this out."

I shook my head. "I just need time alone to think this through myself."

"Clara, don't be silly,"

"I don't fit in, I'm can't, I'm not--" I struggled for words.

Harry quickly closed the distance between us, cradled my face in his hands, and looked at me so tenderly that my heart fluttered. "Clara," My stomach flipped at the way he said my name. "You make me so happy. I don't think you understand how much I need you. So please, please, don't do this right now." Harry's voice had turned to a whisper.

His plead tempted me to give in; to disregard my feelings of sudden inadequacy and truly embrace his lifestyle.

I tried swallowing but my throat felt dry.

"Things have been moving really fast." My eyes began to burn in preparation for tears. "And I'm not good enough, Harry. I'm not."

"Are you not hearing what I'm saying? You are more than good enough!"

I closed my eyes, took one deep breath to calm myself, and inhaled his summery scent one last time. Then I did the hardest thing I could do in that moment.

I looked back into his green eyes that were blazing with emotion. "Goodnight, Harry." I whispered.

Staring into his shocked eyes, I felt awful. I felt like a semi truck had hit me straight in the gut. Trying to ignore everything in my mind that was telling me to stay, with as much willpower I could muster, I determinedly turned around and walked away from the one boy that mattered to me.

Tears silently rolled down my cheeks as soon as I wasn't facing him anymore. I felt completely and utterly crushed. But I was doing this for both of us. Harry's life was practically something from a movie; he had everything. If someone as messed up as me came into that world, everything would be ruined. Even though my dad had connections these days, everyone Harry knew would judge him for choosing me. If people found out what had happened with my family, they would certainly be gossiping about it. I was sure he would be happier with a different girl. One who had a great reputation and was already was a part of this rich world herself.

I trudged home in the dark, my limbs feeling heavy and limp. Numbness settled throughout my whole body, not even flinching as gravel dug into the skin of my bare feet.

By the time I reached my dad's house, the sun was long gone and I wouldn't have been able to see my hands in front of me if it weren't for the lamps illuminating the street. I slowly continued up the driveway and shuffled up the steps through the door.

"Clara?"

I immediately recognized my dad's voice. My body sagged more than possible as I thought about having to deal with him. Being distracted by Harry all week, I had completely forgotten that he would be coming back sometime today. This extra problem to deal with during my already horrible day made me want to tear all my hair out.

But I couldn't lose it now. Not in front of my dad.

I gradually closed the front door, and before facing him, reached up to rub the tears off my face. I didn't want him to know I had been crying, but didn't even attempt to look remotely happy as I rounded the corner.

"Hi, dad."

"I'm so glad you're still here!" He walked towards me to give me a hug. "What are you dressed up for?"

"A wedding," I mumbled.

My dad looked a little surprised. "You knew the couple?"

I shook my head. "A... friend invited me." My voice was monotone.

"That's great!"

For someone who had abandoned me here and planned on sending me to a horrendous camp against my will, he was way too cheery.

I stuck my thumb over my shoulder. "I'm going to my room,"

"Okay, well if you want to do something together let me know!"

I didn't respond and left him standing there.

Once in my room, I threw on sweatpants and a comfy shirt and tried not to think about what an awful person I was.

Harry was so sweet. One of the kindest souls I had ever known. He only ever showed care and respect for me and I deserted him in the middle of a road at a wedding he invited me to.

As much as I wanted to turn back around and admit to him I made a rash decision, I didn't deserve Harry. He deserved much more. Someone who wasn't afraid to love him. Someone who could easily fit into his life and make his distinguished family proud.

And I was not that person.

But how badly I wished I was.

I collapsed onto my bed and cried until I fell asleep.