Dear Drew

September 15th 2014

Dear Drew,

I really wish that I could start this letter with the words ‘I feel better’ and in all honesty, I could. Of course, it would be a lie but when has the thought of lying ever stopped either of us? Anyway, today is a Monday. I don’t know whether or not you have the whole calendar thing wherever you are (I’m guessing you’re in hell because I mean, after all the shit we did and said, our torture plans are probably pinned up on the notice board). Sorry, that was my attempt at humour. Death-humour was never really my forte.

I looked up what your name meant today, I’m not sure why I did it, I just feel like now you’re gone, I should know everything about you that I never knew before. I promise that sounded less stupid in my head. I looked up the meaning of ‘Andrew’ I know you hated it when we called you that but it means ‘manly' and 'brave', I don’t think you’ll take offense when I say that you weren’t ever the most manly guy at school but to me you were definitely one of the bravest. Braver than Snape in Harry Potter, braver than anyone I ever knew. I also looked up what my name means and as stupid as it sounds, I half expected it to say ‘stupid’ or ‘weak’ or ‘failure’, they would seem more appropriate than ‘to heal’ because, Drew, you and I both know that I couldn’t heal you no matter how much I wanted to.

Tam was always into this whole thing, star signs, karma, fate, meaning in everything; we were always much too skeptical. She told me that she’s stopped believing in karma after what happened, there is no way you could have ever done anything to deserve what happened. You were the nicest guy I ever knew and I would kill to say you still are but I can’t because, well, you’re not here now are you. Don’t take that the wrong way, I know it’s not your fault but I just really wish it hadn’t been you, I really want it to be someone else lying in that coffin and that’s such an awful thing to think because it’s like I’m wishing all the pain that I’m feeling everyday and all the emptiness that is smothering me, on someone else who doesn’t deserve it either. You see, Drew, I am drowning in the memories of you and I can’t work out how to kick my legs.

Mr Hart kept me behind today in form, he was asking how I was doing without you and I told him I was doing just fine. My voice cracked up when I said that though and he knew I was lying but he let me go. God knows what the teachers all think of me and Tam and Joe, they probably think we’re mental; maybe we are.

Jesus Christ, I said I wasn’t going to have this as some sort of tragic tale about how sad I am but maybe I am just really sad. Drew, I don’t want to be sad, you used to be the one who could cheer me up but I don’t think that’s really an option anymore. I was going to tell you about what people are talking about at school, the latest gossip but I think you’ll know what everyone’s talking about. You, Drew. You always hated being the centre of attention and here you are, in the spotlight long after your body has crumbled; I always thought the old shed on the field near where we eat in summer would be the first thing at the school to disintegrate. I never thought it would be you. 

I might go and sit in my room and read for a while, I find readings a good distraction. It’s like I’m living a different life and right now, that can only be a good thing.

Jason x