You're Not Alone : An Andy Biersack fanfiction *EDITING*

1: Lost it all

Then I lost it all

Dead and broken.

My back's against the wall.

cut me open.

I'm just trying to breathe,

just trying to figure it out

because I built these walls to watch them crumble down.

I said, "Then I lost it all."

And who can save me now...

The ceiling of my room looked particularly shitty today. The cracks across the drywall seemed even larger than the day before, ready to suck me up and swallow me whole. There were dark stains from the leaks every time it rained. I could hear the neighbors upstairs fighting again, the ones next door getting it on, the one downstairs crying. I was surrounded by depressing and freaky noises. It seems only fitting. I was trying my hardest not to think about it...about him. Trying not to let the creeping darkness of grief overtake me. 

why did he choose her?....

why wasn't I good enough?...

how could he leave all of us?...

what the hell am I doing here?...

No, stop. I can't think about him, I can't think about that now. He made choices that destroyed us. HE ruined everything. I am the victim, but I am not weak. 

It had been almost a year since my husband....ex...decided that I wasn't good enough for him anymore. He found himself a pretty eighteen-year-old, fresh out of high school, a girl who apparently was a better fit for him than I was. I was oblivious for months. Our issues started so far before that though. Years of mental abuse and gaslighting that I hoped would change. I honestly thought we were working through everything though, that things were getting better... and then he came home and told me he was leaving. He packed his bags and walked out the door. The divorce papers came the next week. I sat there stunned as I held them. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't even cry...I just felt empty. I couldn't breathe. I remember looking over at my daughters, just babies, and wondering what the hell I was going to do. I was filled with rage at his betrayal, relief that I was free, numb from it all combined. 

It took a few weeks before I could move. I had no money, no way to keep us alive. I was planning on getting my financials in order once I had recognized the abuse, but that takes time and I was far from there. I had lost everything in one swift sweep. Sure I could have moved in with my parents..but that felt like even more of a defeat to me. I couldn't be saved, I had to save myself.  I packed up my girls and we drove a few hours to Seattle. I found us an apartment...a shit hole really. I worked my ass off and found a job..three jobs...three shitty waitressing jobs. I wouldn't give him leverage to take them from me. I couldn't let him win. 

And here I was, in this shit hole apartment with cracks and water damage, working to try and make ends meet. Alone. Broken. I'm only twenty-five and I'm divorced. I couldn't possibly feel like more of a loser.

"Mama..." Ellie stood at my door, blankie in hand.

"Yes, baby?"

"Mama, I'm three, I am NOT a baby," she said, putting her hands on her hips.

I couldn't help but smile at her sass. She was so like her...no never mind.

"Okay, Ellie, what do you need?"

"The neighbors are fighting again...it's scary."

"Come up and snuggle with me and Mia for a bit before I have to work."

She padded over to me and hopped up into the bed. She snuggled up close, wrapping her arms around her sister and I. "Mama, when can we move away from here?"

"Very soon I hope baby, very soon."

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I tied my apron around my waist and made my way through the doors into the dining room. The restaurant was full already with cranky people demanding their coffee and eggs. Why are all these people up at five in the morning?

I grabbed a coffee pot and made my rounds, trying my hardest to put on a convincing smile.

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOD MOOOOOOOOORNING!" A far too chipper blond sat at a chair at the counter. "Hello, Abbie. How's your morning goin' ?"

"oh so great!" she chirped " I got you a present!" she was practically bouncing in her seat.

"Okay, no more coffee for you..EVER. Why did you get me a present?"

"Because I'm sick of watching you wallow Faith. What happened to you was hard but it's been a year and you need to live life for you now and stop worrying about him."

Woah......tough love from the best friend. Not like I'm recovering from abuse and unfaithfulness. 

"You're right." I agreed with a sigh. She was right, but how was I supposed to stop wallowing about what he did and everything I lost? It's kind of hard when you work three jobs and still live in a shitty apartment, when you can't support yourself and your children, when nobody loves you, or apparently ever did. 

"Of course I am right, I am always right." She grinned. 

"Alright well what did you get me then?"

"What you need to be able to move on and have fun!"

I gave her a blank stare.."such as?..."

"Concert tickets!!!!" She yelled as she pulled them from behind her back with glee. 

Well damn...

That might just be what I need to have some fun after all. Lord knows its been far too long since I've seen a good show.