Calls of guilty fall on me,
All while she stains
The sheets of some other,
Thrown at me so powerfully,
Just like she throws with the arm of her brother.
But I want it
It's a crime
That she's not around most of the time.
~ ~ ~ ~
I sit at the table. Its currently 1:23 in the morning. Hope left at 8. I sit there and wait for her. The room is lightly dimmed with nothing but 3 candles. I get up and walk to the kitchen and make a cup of coffee. I walk over to the table and sit down. Shes been dissapearing for a while now. I know shes cheating. But do I care? No. Not one bit. Because its my fault. Because I dont give her enough attention. Because im not giving her enough love. Because im not good enough. And thats all I want. Is to be good enough. For her. I love her so much. And I know she loves me. Even though she has different ways of showing it. Love is expressed in different ways, and Hope just happens to express it in many ways. I patiently wait for hope to open the door and step over the threshold.
*click*
The door swings open. I turn and see hope stumble in. I prepare myself for the talk. She walks over to the kitchen and I sit there waiting for her to say something. She makes a cup of coffee and once she is done, she walks over to the table and sits across me. She takes a small sip. "You're cheating on me, arnt you?" she asks. I shake my head. "No hope. Its not me thats cheating. Its you." she's not drunk. I can tell. "I wouldnt have to cheat if you gave me attention." "Im sorry babe." she smiles softly. She takes another drink of the coffee and stares at me. " I keep telling you not to wait up." " I want to.". She sighs and stands up. I stare ahead while she walks passed me. I stand up and follow her. I walk into our room. I sit on the bed. She steps out of the bathroom. She walks towards me and I freeze. She slaps me. I wince. I dont say a word. I just let tears fall. She then closes her fist and punches my face. I let the tears fall. She starts to cry. I touch my lip as I felt it rip a bit. I get up and walk to the bathroom. I close the door and wash my face. I clean the cut up and luckly there is no bruise. I stare at myself. What did I do that I am no longer enough? Can I do more? Maybe its the sex? I let a couple of tears fall as I ponder. I remove my shirt and look at the bruises on my stomach, arms and back. Hope has been less violent for the past 2 months. No more kicking. On occations like this she punched. I put on some medicine and put my shirt on. I wash my hand and face again. I take a deep breath. I step out and see hope standing right outside. She falls apart. I catch her and hold her. " I love you so much kelley. Im so sorry. You know that I love you right? Im sorry that I hit you. I-" -it will never happen again. I love you so much. Please forgive me. Yes. I know the whole speech. She says it everytime she does it. "I forgive you baby. I love you so much." she lets tears fall and I wipe the. She touches my lip, where the fresh cut is now drying up is. She shakes her head, as in saying 'im so stupid and im sorry'. She kisses me softly. I kiss her back and tear up. I pull away. " let's get to bed okay honey." I tell her and she nods. I get into bed and get under the covers. She then crawls next to me and holds me. "I love you kell. You are my everything." "I love you too hope." I tear apart. Her breathing evens out.
She falls asleep.
I untangled myself from her. I get up and start to pack some clothes. I grab my toiletries and medicine. I stop and stare at a picture of me and hope. It was our wedding day and she had her forehead against mine and we are smiling. I smile as I feel tears on my shoulder. I wipe my own tears and turn around. Im met with blue eyes. I cry onto her shoulder as she holds me. "Its okay. Its okay baby. You deserve someone who doesnt show their love like I do. I understand completely. I-" I kiss her. I kiss her and I dont ever want to stop. She picks me up and I wrap my legs around her waist. And she showed me love through a different way again. I wake up, my head on her chest and shes asleep. I get up and get dressed. I write a letter to hope on a picture of us on our first date. I tear up as I write it.
Hope,
I love you so much. I will never stop loving you. You are my everything. But my body cant take it anymore. I need space. Im not sure if I will be back. But if I do return, I hope you change your ways. Because I know you love me. I know that thats how you show love. But my body is tired. I hope to return to you. Am I enough hope? Am I? Do i give you enough love? I love you hope. Will always and forever love you and only you.
Love, kelley.
I set the picture down by her and kiss her lips once more. I pick up my bag and open the door. I walk to past the kitchen and open the front door. I walk out and close the door behind me. I break. I get in my car and drive to the airport. I buy a plane to georgia and sit in the airport waiting for my flight. I open my suitcase to make sure I had everything. I see the picture. My favorite picture of me and hope that I was staring at hours ago. I turn it around to see that hope had written somthing as well. There goes my heart again.
Kelley, I love you too. I love you more than anything. I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont know how to express my love anymore. I understand you leaving. I hope you return. I will find help to change my behavior. I will never hurt you again kell. I cant promise that though. Because promises were made to be broken. But I will try my best. For you, and for our child. You are enough kell. You are more than enough. And you do give me enough attention, even if i say you dont. You give me enough love. Im sorry for everything. For abusing you, for cheating, for hitting you while you are 1 month pregnant.... Im so sorry. I love you and hope to see you soon.
Love, hope
Im sobbing. There no stopping the tears. I touch the wet spots on the back of the picture, hope's tears. My tear hits one of them. I hold the picture. I let the tears stream down my face and let them mix with hope's dry ones.
"Flight 1 and 5 ready to board"
I wipe my tears. I stand up and put a hand on my stomach. "C'mon buddy. Time for a break." I walk to flight 1 and hand them the ticket. I get on and put my suitcase on top. I plug in my headphones and listen to music and drift asleep. The picture still in my hand.
Yes, some people have diffrent ways of showing their love. Some do it through marrige. Some show it through sex. Some show it though abuse, and hope was one of those people who can show it through anything.
~ ~ ~ ~
The way she tells me I'm hers and she is mine
Open hand or closed fist would be fine
The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine.
*** okay. In sorry that ive havent been updating. Im alao sorry that i havent dont the requested songs. I swear, not promise because they are meant to be broken ;) , i will... I jsut need to get into the song. Now i picked this song, yea another hozier song, because i find i beautiful. The song is about domestic abuse. And how people show their love through it. This was poorly written by a 17 year old. So sorry. Im not a great writter. I have testing next week for english and it is to see if i have to take a english class in college. I hope i get advanced. That way i dont take it...but i probably wont. Im not good at english. Sorry again folks also i have a plan on a talex story that im gonna work on with someone else. But I have got around to it okay. (nacho libre) ***
