Running With An Outlaw

9

Samuel waited outside of the back room while the doctor worked on his boyfriend, not even sure if he could consider him that any more because he was sure Clint wouldn't want anything to do with him. He waited a long time in the small room, head in his hands, unmoving except for the occasional tear running down his face as horrible thoughts formed in his head. He looked up when the older man came out if the back room, cleaning his hands.
"He'll be waking up soon if you want to see him," he sighed before heading back into the room. Samuel stood up and walked into the room even though he had fully convinced himself that Clint would just be angry to see him.
All of the scrapes and such on the outlaws face had been cleaned, but luckily none of those needed stitches. His arm was re-stitched and his other arm was in a splint until it would heal from having been popped out of its socket and then out back in by the doctor later on. His back had taken the most time and was quite a mess of stitches and such. He looked like hell, but at least he didn't have blood all over him now. It had been hours since he was drugged and he was now slightly coming to. He blinked and looked around and then noticed Samuel and he averted his gaze and turned his head away, closing his eyes.
Samuel looked at him and rubbed his arm nervously when he turned away from him, a stray tear falling down his face.
"I'm really sorry, Clint. I just..." he collapsed into the chair next to him and looked down. "Whats the point in even trying, you probably hate me now anyway..." he mumbled as more tears fell. He had ruined everything by drugging him to save him, but while in his head he knew it was wrong he couldn't bring himself to believe so in his heart.
"I can understand if you want me to leave and never return. I won't fight you this time. I will respect your wishes," he shuffled before wiping his eyes with the palm of his hand.
Clinton refused to look at the man who had betrayed him, but he did speak. "I thought i-if I held onto you it'd stop the pain. I thought it was working... I thought y-your love was helping me. I was stupid to think that... I was stupid to have trusted you..." he said and then bit his lip and a tear slid down his face.
"I-I can't believe I ever trusted y-you..." he said and swallowed, his throat still hurting. "Ju-Just go back t-to your da-damn father. Leave m-me alone, a-and take that fucking w-worthless horse with you."
"I do love you, Clint. I will never stop loving you, but I understand why you feel betrayed. I was panicked, you were scaring me with the talk of putting you out of your misery and ... I just wanted to help," he said wiping his tears again and standing up slowly, putting his hat back on and setting Clint's next to him.
"The horse is yours, Clinton. He trusts you more than me now, and I can't hurt him like I hurt you," said trying to catch his breath. "Thank you, Clint. For showing me that someone could love even a worthless horse-hand like me. Even if only for a few days."
"I don't love you. If anything, I wish you had put that bullet in my head so I didn't have to see your face or hear you!" he exclaimed and then managed to get himself out of bed and he grabbed his hat and threw it on.
"I don't want the fucking horse." he said and then shoved passed Samuel and went outside and pulled out his pistol from the saddle bag and he aimed it at the horse's head and then looked at Samuel. He took a deep breath and followed him out of the building, watching as he took out the pistol and pointed it at the horse.
"Two choices. You take this fucker that ruined me, or I put a bullet in him.... And you." he said and looked at Samuel. "And don't think I won't. I told you what I was, and I trusted you. I never once hurt you. I had your back, and you betrayed me! I clung to you for comfort because I decided to live and you betrayed me! Drugged me! Do you fucking realize that?!"
The words stung hard and Samuel could actually feel his heart breaking and it was the worse pain he ever felt, worse even than getting kicked in the gut by a horse. Tears ran down his face again at the threat and his face turned stony and cold. He took a step forward as if to retrieve the animal but instead grabbed Clint's hand and forced him to put the gun to Sam's forehead. The tears had stopped and he looked at him seriously; his eyes dead and their normal warm light having flickered away.
"Kill me then, outlaw. What's the point in living with the guilt of my sins against you. I know what I did to you. I hurt you bad, and not on the surface either. I betrayed your trust so you would live another day.
So if you want to kill me, fine. Put a damn bullet in my head and call it a day, it's obvious to me now that I was nothing more than another notch in your belt, I was a damn fool to have allowed myself to fall in love with you, Clinton Danes. A damn fool."
Clinton watched Samuel as he grabbed his arm and put the gun to his forehead. He listened to the words Samuel said and he slowly lowered the gun and then dropped it and he pushed Samuel up against the wall of the building and pressed his body to Samuels and he locked his lips with the younger mans and his eyes closed, tears streaming down them.
"How c-could you betray me like that...? Wh-When all I di-did with you is lo-love you, Samuel?" he asked, his voice full of pain and confusion. "Wh-Why didn't you l-let me lean into you for relief...? Wh-Why do th-that to me?" he asked once he had pulled back.
He rested his forehead to Samuels and closed his eyes, tears streaming down his face. "I-I leaned into you f-for c-comfort... a-and you be-betrayed my trust. H-How could you...?"
Samuel was a little surprised by him dropping his gun but didn't react as he pushed him against the wall and kissed him. He felt broken inside, like his heart was made of glass and suddenly dropped on the ground to shatter. He watched the tears fall down the outlaw's face and broke just that more.
"I was scared and I wanted you to be okay. I did it because I loved you and I wanted nothing more than for you to stop hurting, because I want nothing less that to see you hurt. Maybe that makes me a awful person, but it meant savin' your life whereas you would have died if I had tried to take care of you on my own. Call me selfish but I didn't want to see the man I loved in a grave in a gorge," he managed as he looked into those beautiful eyes of his, but forced his gaze away. "I never meant to betray you, but I know that I have."
Clinton stepped back and he closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair and he then looked at him. "Why didn't you ask me? Tell me that you had it, instead of backstabbing me?" he asked, trying to allow Samuel to explain himself but he didn't know if he'd ever fully be able to trust this man ever again or love him. He had leaned into this man for comfort, even if it wasn't helping physically... and the man went behind his back and did something with no regards to the outlaw's wishes.
He exhaled slowly and he took another step back and he ran a hand over the back of his neck. "I-I was an addict...." he finally admitted. "Y-You gave me drugs, enough to knock me out. Y-You made me high again. Y-You broke my sobriety of five years...." he said and he bit his lip and looked down, closing his eyes. "H-How can I trust you now? I've never done a-anything against your wishes, a-and yet you couldn't respect mine..."
Samuel watched as he stepped back and ran a hand through his hair. He leaned against the wall and slowly slid down it until he was sitting with his knees against his chest. He folded his arms onto them and laid his head down, breaking down and crying again quietly into his arms as he listened to him speak again.
"I wasn't thinking, Clint. I'm sorry I did that to you, I really am," he started, taking a deep breath as he went to steady his words.
"All I knew was that you were talking about me putting you down like a damn dog, and I was afraid of what you might have don't if I let my guard down. I just wasn't thinking, Clint. Don't trust me if you want, like I said before, if you want me gone I'll leave and never darken your life again. You can hold me to that. You were nothing but kind and gentle to me and I went behind your back and did something very fuckin' stupid... and... i-I'm so s-so-sorry."
"No, you didn't think. And now thanks to that I'll be going through withdrawals once this sedative wears off, and my sobriety is broken now. But you know what? You had balls and you did something I wouldn't have been able to do for myself. I would've rathered died than shot up again." he said and then he knelt down and he lifted Samuel's chin. "But you... if you want me to forgive you, to trust you again then you need to get rid of the medication in that bag of yours. And next time I lean into you for comfort, don't drug up my ass. I don't trust you. Its going to take a while to earn that back, but I didn't lose my love for you. I did mean of when I said I loved you back in the gorge and I just hoped your love was going to be enough to save me, and I wish you had allowed it to... but I also understand why you did what you did." he said and his hand slid to rest against Samuels cheek and he stroked it gently.
The dark haired man listened to him and looked at him for a moment before avoiding his gaze. He turned his face into the outlaw's hand slightly out of reflex when he touched him and looked back at him, focusing on his words and on the soft strokes on his cheek.
"Even though I understand, though, it doesn't mean I'm not angered and I'm not hurt by what you did. You damaged our trust, Sam... But I'm willing to allow you to work on fixing it... You still up to going to Oklahoma with me?" he asked and waited for the man's answer. "I still love you, Samuel... You just really hurt me... and I overreacted. I-I'm sorry I threatened you. I-I would never hurt you and it w-was wrong for me to ask you t..to do what I couldn't even do..." he said, meaning killing him.
"I've already gotten rid of it, you can check if you don't believe me. I saw the way that you reacted when I told you and I felt guilty so I threw the extra into the river. I never meant to hurt you and I just wanted you to not be hurting.... I will do whatever it takes to regain your trust, whether that takes all year, or the rest of my life. So yes, I'm still up to going to Oklahoma with you, Clint," he said with a weak smile before wiping his face on his sleeve. Feeling a little better when the brunette said that he did still love him, but not feeling completely himself.
"I understand why you asked me to. You were in a lot of pain and just wanted it to stop, I don't blame you for asking me to... you know.... You acted just like I would have, but frankly I would have put that bullet in me, I don't deserve your forgiveness but I will work for your trust."
Clinton lifted Sam's head more and he softly kissed his lips and then whispered upon them. "Thank you..." he said before slowly getting back to his feet and he offered a hand to his lover and helped him up and then intertwined his fingers with Samuel's.
"I still love you. No matter what you do that won't ever stop." he said and then he looked to the horses and noticed how Ash was favoring his one side.
Sam kissed him back this time, and accepted his hand. He stood up and smiled down at their hands before looking back at him.
"Did you ever look over that horse? He's favoring his left hind side." he said and walked over and brushed his hand slowly over the gelding's back and the gelding snapped his head around and tried to bite Clinton. "I think his hip's out, Sam... He's not going to be able to travel if that's the case... We should lunge him. See how he moves." he said and then he looked to Samuel. "Come here for a minute."
"I love you too, more than anything he said before following his gaze to the grey gelding. "I did a quick check while the doctor was fixing you up but I wasn't very thorough because my heart just wasn't in it," he added as Clinton moved away from him and ran his hand down the horses back, flinching when he almost got bit.
"That won't be good at all.. I hope he's okay, but I'll do it, you've got enough that's gonna be hurting on you that you don't need a kick or bite to add to it, Clint"
His brown gaze turned back to him for a moment when he was told to come to him and he obliged, walking up to the outlaw and the injured animal.
Clinton looked at Samuel and then he took Sam's hand and he sighed and brought it to his lips and kissed his fingers, one by one. "We need to check him out now and then we need to get a horse for me and get out of here." he said and then he took off Ash's bridle and slipped on his halter and then he looked to Samuel.
Sam smiled as he kissed his fingers one by one before leaning forward and kissing his cheek.
"You do that, big guy. I'll take care of the horse and get you a new one," he assured as he took the rope from his hand and kissing him back, giving a soft half smile at the statement.
"I'm going to go talk with the doctor. You lunge Ash and then go and get me another horse. Money's in Ash's bag if you need to pay for one." he said and then kissed Samuels lips and whispered on them. "I deserve some love once we get to Oklahoma. That's how you'll get some of my trust back," he said and then headed off inside.
"Sweetheart,you can have all the lovin' from me that you could possibly want," he said quietly before watching him walk back inside.
Samuel lunged the horse for a few minutes before it became clear that he wasn't badly hurt, but would only take some time to heal before he was good as new. He tied him back to the post and stroked his nose gently, before grabbing some of Clint's money like he had told him to, and some of his own before walking off to find him a new horse. It took him a while to find one that didn't look like it was going to die the second it was pushed into a gallop, but he finally managed to find Clint a good looking paint stallion that was still young and healthy. He paid for the animal before leading him back to the doctor's building and waited out side for his lover.
Clinton left the building when he heard Samuel return and he looked other the paint stallion. He walked over and ran his good hand over the animal, checking him over. "He'll do. We can use Ash for luggage for now. Just keep most of the weight up towards his withers. He needs to keep the weight off his back end. He's only bruised up, but I don't want to aggravate him by putting my weight on his back," he said and then mounted up on the paint with a slight groan.