Running With An Outlaw

10

The morning was going to bring plenty of struggles and it was going to be a long day of a lot of pain for Clinton, but he'd bear it. He slowly woke up as the sun rose up just enough to bring the light down on the cowboys and he looked around, slowly sitting up with a groan. He ran his only use able hand through his hair and sighed, looking tired still. "You u-up?" he asked, through a yawn and slight pain.
The dark haired man had finally managed to fall asleep sometime in the night and had mostly dreams that jumped from subject to subject and Sam could barely remember but knew had upset him and when he wasn't dreaming he was opening his eyes to check on Clinton at every moan in his sleep and every time he would move too sharply. He took a deep breath, eyes fluttering open slowly at Clinton's groan and the sound of his sitting up, but didn't turn to look at him just yet. He turned finally when the outlaw asked him if he was awake and nodded. "Yeah I'm up," he sighed sleepily and sat up as well, moving to ran a hand through his own hair that had been messed up by his sleeping.
"Morning, how're you feelin'?" He asked as he turned his eyes onto his face and gave a small yawn himself.
"I'm fine..." Clinton lied and he slowly got up to his feet and got into the saddle bag and pulled out a clean, loose plaid shirt and he pulled his one arm through and then carefully undid his sling and slid his other hand through the other sleeve with a slight sharp inhale through clenched teeth and then he slipped the sling back on and fastened it correctly and then worked on buttoning his shirt. It took a bit longer using one hand, but he managed. He then turned to Samuel and he sighed.
"How'd you sleep?" he asked. His voice sounded okay, but his eyes and the way his body was held showed he was hurting quite bad. "You want to eat before we get going...?" he asked, not really sure how to act around Samuel anymore now after their fight.
Sam knew that the brunette was lying to him, but kept his mouth shut as he moved to change his own shirt into a simple dark blue one. He looked up when Clint too a Sharpe intake with concern filled eyes and looked him over. "Do you want me to help?" He fell silent when he finished himself.
"I slept okay," he lied with a soft smile before nodding and moving to their things to get them some stuff to make their breakfast out of the bags. He reformed the fire with little difficulty before starting in their meal.
"Come sit with me, Clint. You don't have to act like I'm a bomb about to go off. You need to rest while you can," he teased with a warm smile as he looked up at him, seeing the body language and the pain in his eyes before adding with a soft, almost somber sigh, "I know you're hurting, Clint. You don't have to hide it from me."
"Yeah, I do have to hide it from you because the moment I allow you to know how I'm feeling all hell breaks loose...." Clinton said and then he worked on putting the bridle back onto his paint and then sat down in the ground and shifted his weight some, closing his eyes and biting his lip.
"I am just better keeping my problems to myself. I see how you look at me now." he said and then he looked down and closed his eyes. "I don't feel the same, and certainly don't feel loved the same.... Y-You touch me like I'm going to shatter.... Do you have any idea how that feels...?"
"I don't mean to act any differently toward you, Clint. I touch you carefully don't want to cause you any more pain than you are already in and I can tell that you are in a lot of it," he moved a little closer to the outlaw and lifted his partner's chin slightly so that he could look into his eyes for a moment before giving him a warm half-smile. "I don't want you to bottle up your problems and emotions because I will always be here to help you with them," he assured him as he pressed a soft kiss onto his warm lips. "I'm just worried about you is all, and I will be for a long time because I just feel like this partially is my fault and it's gonna take you a a long time to get better." He sighed and dropped his hand to his side once again before grabbing his hand and laced their fingers together. "I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I will try my hardest to fix it."
"How is any of this your fault? How could you have caused any of the problems I'm in now? This was my choice, and my choices got me hurt like this and now thanks to that I feel like an invalid..." he said and then sighed and looked down, not kissing Samuel back.
"Because I screwed up and acted without thinking. You might have made the decision that led to you getting hurt, but I caused the pain between us, and that's something I'm having problems coming to terms with," he sighed after Clint didn't kiss him back. Maybe their trust was broken beyond repair at that point and there was no fixing it.
"You want to just have the slightest thought of how bad everything on me hurts? Have you ever gotten cut before, deep?" he asked and slowly got up and threw the blanket onto the paint and waited for Samuels answer.
"I've never been cut deep before physically, but I have been cut deep emotionally. But I know that feels nothing like what your going through because your pain is everywhere whereas that was in one spot," he replief almost silently as he started into the heart of the fire again. "I'm sorry this happened to you, Clint. I really am."
Clinton sighed and he ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, you keep saying that... doesn't make it go away and it doesn't make it hurt less." he said and then he got the saddle up onto his horse very carefully and cinched it up. "I'll just stop talking about it to you. You'll never understand..." he said and then mounted up on his horse and gathered the reins and then kicked his horse's sides and took off, Ash following by lead. "I'm going for a ride. Maybe that'll help...." he yelled to Sam.
Sam watched him as he moved knowing that it wouldn't be any use to tell him he shouldn't be moving the heavy tack around because the outlaw wouldn't listen to him. Sam watched as he went and listened as he yelled that he was going to go for a ride.
The second the man was out of sight, the younger man broke down silently, tears running down his face in silent rivers as he brought his knees to his chest and hugged them to his body. His mare made her way over and nudged his shoulder lightly and he reached up and stroked the animal's nose and looked back at the fire wondering if Clinton would come back and what he would do if he didn't.
Sam knew that he would go looking for him, knowing that he loved the man too much to just leave him without any knowledge of where he had gone, but what he didn't know is what he would do if it turned out that he had taken off. He would leave him alone perhaps, disappear somewhere and maybe try to learn to live without the man that he had grown attached to.
He poked a stick into the fire and watched it burn as his tears fell heavier onto his jeans at the thought and pulled it out red hot stick and stuck it to a blade if grass, watching as it burned before throwing the stick back into the fire and pulled the bridle onto his mare and swinging himself up into her bareback and turning to go find the man he loved at a slowish pace so that Clint would have some time to himself.
Sam gave his lover a long time to calm down and be on his own before moving to his own mare and mounting her bareback. He didn't want to bit her with the saddle for the time being and her bridle would be more than enough for now. He didn't have to go far to see the familiar outline of the outlaw's new horse and he took a deep breath.
Samuel walked up slowly on his horse and stopped her a few feet away. He could see the man had obviously been crying, and when he stood up Sam could see how much pain he was in. With a soft sigh he slid off his horse and released her reins so that she could wander off a little ways.
"I know that you probably don't want to see me... Hell, I'm not even sure if you want me around any more. I can't pretend to know what you are going through because the worst pain I have ever felt was being kicked in the crotch by a horse," he took a slow step forward.
"But you are hurt, Clint, and I told you that I was goin' to take care of you; at least until I'm sure that you aren't going to die from the pain, and after that.. If you want me gone, I'll go without an argument and leave you alone for good." He took a deep sigh to steady his voice as he spoke, looking at the ground to avoid his gaze.
Clinton looked at him and he stepped up to Samuel and exhaled slowly. "Then sto-stop treating me like glass and just... comfort me. Love me like you had before.... Like I loved y-you," he said and he sat down and patted the spot beside him and looked to Samuel.
"Th-Thats all you can d-do for me... so just let m-me be near you and hold me when I need it... and I'll do the sa-same for you." he said and waited to see what Samuel would do, if he would sit down with him or what.
Clinton eyes were quite glazed with pain but most of the pain in his eyes looked to be more emotional than anything else, but that wasn't to say his body didn't severely hurt as well.
Sam looked up when the outlaw stepped forward and nodded as he sat down. Sam gave a weak smile and sat down beside him on the dirt and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close and for once not like he was going to break at his touch.
"I never stopped loving you. I want you to know that," he whispered against him. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you were alone. I won't do that any more."
Clinton snuggled up into Samuel and he buried his face into his lover's chest and softly cried. "I'm sorry I hurt you... I'm sorry I ran off, a-and I'm sorry I sa-said I never loved you.... be-because that wasn't true. I've a-always loved you since w-we first met." he said and continued crying.
Sam held him close and buried his face into his hair, slowly stroking the long brown locks to comfort him ad he cried. A few tears of his own falling into the man's hair at his words. "I'm sorry I betrayed you. I've loved you for a long time. I love you so much,"he said as he pressed a kiss onto the top of his head.
"Wh...What if I don't make it to Oklahoma? W-Will you still go?" he asked, his body tense with pain, most of it just all his muscles tensed up from the fall.
"I don't want you thinking like that, okay? We are both going to make it to Oklahoma just fine," he added at the question about him continuing to Oklahoma on his own. He ran a hand down his lovers side feeling how tense he was. "You're really tense, the pain is going to be that much worse if you stay tensed up like this."
"I... I p-put some of the sedative drug i-into your bag..." he finally admitted and he swallowed hard as his voice broke. "I-I lost my streak a-anyway.... Sa-Sam, i-I need you to i-inject me with some... I-I can't take this... I ca-cant even barely ride now... I-Im not going to be able to ge-get to Oklahoma with you i-if I can't even si-sit in a saddle without ag-agonizing pain." he said and he looked at Sam. "I-I just need enough to take th-fhe edge off... I-I love you, pl-please do this f-for me..."
Sam chewed his lip slowly in thought buried his face into his hair," I want you to feel less pain, but once you're better will you be able to stop again? I don't want to cause more problems for you if we start regularly giving you small doses of it. I need you to be able to tell me without a doubt that you will be able to stop again, because otherwise I won't do it," He stated in a concerned tone as he wrapped his arms back around his shoulders, careful not to jostle a wound too badly, but not so careful that he seemed like he thought Clint was going to break in his arms
"The wi-withdrawal will be hell, but I'll have you there t-to help me through it. I just.... I-ai need anything... Either the pills e do-doc gave me or some mo-morphine. Something t-to take the edge off. I-Its just getting worse by the moment..." he said and winced, clenching Samuel's shirt like a scared child would his parent because it was the only thing that gave him something to do to not think about the pain.
Sam listened and pressed another kiss into his hair before nodding slowly. "We'll use the pills at first, but if it gets too be too much then I'll give you a small dose of the sedative," he decided as he pulled away slowly from the man, kissing his forehead, "I'm assuming the pills are in your saddle bag? Mine is back at camp..." he touched the paint for a moment and started wondering if he would do something that could possibly help Clint for when he was mounting.
He knew Ash would, and his mare, so if the paint wouldn't he was still young enough to be taught. He brushed off the thought and pulled the saddle bags off his back and made his way back to sit beside Clint again, tapping his shoulder to show that he could lean against him if he wanted.
"What were you doing?" he asked and then exhaled slowly and ran his hand through his hair again as he took the pills from Sam and downed em with some water from his canteen and then he rested his head on his lover's shoulder.
"I was thinkin' about that horse and if I could get him to kneel for you so he'd be easier for you to mount. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was hesitant in getting these for you," he answered with a faint smile as he watched the outlaw down the pills.
"I'm even too pathetic for myself..." he joked and stroked Sam's hand. "I feel li-like a pathetic little helpless child.."
He leaned his head against his lover's and frowned at the joke. "You'll be back to kickin' ass soon enough, don't worry," he assured as he kissed his forehead.