L'Appel du Vide (Nocebo Effect P3)

my plot says yes but my readers say no

I'm nervous out of my mind, out of my terrible mind, out of my amnesic mind that has failed me more times than it has helped me, as not even numbing the pain of what I did is enough, because there are still people who were more devastated by the tragedy than I was, and I shouldn't be so selfish to assume that my own life's destruction was most catastrophic for me, for I wouldn't be there to witness it before I sank six feet under the dirt with no recollection of how I sank.

And that's very much like my current situation, although my heart is still beating, and my pulse is still fluttering like a moth weaving circles through my blood, and my muscles are still retrieving strength from their stock so that I may move, but beside of that, I have no idea who I was before I attempted to kill myself, no idea who I am even now, because I have retained no foundation upon which to build myself up again, so I lie here in the rubble and the ash and the shards of broken glass from the ocular window to my soul whose blue jay tint is now fluctuating out of ambivalence, but now it hoists a flashing color stained by my impenetrable terror at what's transpiring this very instant.

I'm accompanying Brendon to his home to meet the sister who has ostensibly been horrifically shaken up by my suicide attempt, and she will no doubt be enraged by what I've done to both her and her brother, accepting no apologies no matter how sincere and frightful they are. I desperately ache to tell Kara that I am sorry, from the bottom of my perpetually kicking heart that's kicking faster now,I suppose these are just preconceived notions and shouldn't be trusted, but when has my mind ever trusted rationality anyway?

Nothing I have done to this remote family of two is justifiable by whatever wild apology I have mustered inside of my head beforehand so that I'll be prepared when I obviously break down at the confrontation of this girl whom I ruined with my absence, but I shouldn't be thinking about myself in these circumstances, because she's the one who was sobbing for at least a week after I tried to kill myself.

I have enacted many unintelligent decisions, most of which I deeply regret at night when the memories of childhood occasionally flood back to me and ignite a party of cringing, and then I begin to think how much they impacted those around me, how much my actions may seem like they follow after a thought but really are spurred by my insufferable impulsiveness.

For example, when one should reverse a tape, what they would see first is the effects, such as the echo and then the noise produced by their actions that proceed afterwards. The last thing they would see is a silent function performed only inside of their mind. This just proves that a human's decision making skills have always been last of their priorities, and it is only when your life is in reverse, when you are falling apart in disarray, that one realizes this.

I am beginning to understand this concept, however abstruse it is, but life of all things is abstruse, so I should place myself in the duty to sort through its complexities while I'm conversing with Brendon's litter sister who will surely tear me to shreds, because I recognize that I messed up, and I messed up real badly, so I guess it's only fair that she should win the opportunity to rip me apart like a lion trained on savagery, albeit nothing can compare to the horrors I forced upon the only people who cared for me in this world. That's unforgivable, but I'll labor to make amends, because that's the kind of weak person I am.

And it's not as if I'm endeavoring to fix any of my weak qualities, only improve things in my life and improve things in others' lives as an afterthought if I succeed at the first, when really it should be the other way around, because I'm irreversibly doomed to selfishness and phobia and everything that nobody would ever want, but others still retain a hope that I can work with.

It's not my job to help people through their insecurities, but I feel that they deserve to be aided, and I deserve to be strained while doing that for them after all of the other things I've done, so I just need to step up, rid myself of paranoia, and only after those prerequisites are completed thoroughly, then I can approach Kara with the goal of reconciliation fresh in my mind, 'cause nothing else is.