And Here We Go

My mental hell hole

So in fourth grade i was very self-conscious and started eating less which was ok because I usually ate a ton. But I saw some posts somewhere and it was tips on how to eat less and before I knew it I had become anorexic which of course led to my self harm and depression. My anorexia became so severe that if I had eaten ANYTHING I would cut. Now In fourth grade i didnt know how to cut or that it was a thing so I took a piece off a glass chess board and I broke it then I would take the sharpest piece and well...cut. But I think my lowest weight during my anorexia was around 90 pounds.

But when the depression came I was screwed I got so caught up in being sad that I had nightmares. These wernt normal nightmares tho it was kinda the same thing every time. It would be me in wut i think was a maze and there was this dark shadow creature thing chased me thro the maze and every now and then I would find a latter. When i would climb on this ladder I would see a beautiful bright light and I would just Sprint to it. But I would never ever make it the darkness always won and when I got... I don't know how to word it but I just disappeared into the darkness I would wake up in tears always.

In 5th grade this happened along with my eating disorder worsening. But I still had my depression but I had pretty much stopped cutting. But my depressing thoughts turned into suicidal thoughts and in 5th grade on January 28th I attempted suicide.

It was so scary. My family wasn't around I was alone it was the PERFECT time I took some pills and fell asleep. But I woke up. When i woke up my mum was above me yelling I was SO disappointed in myself I couldn't even kill myself correctly.

But in 6th grade I was getting better I started eating normal portions and stopped having depressing/suicidal thoughts and was getting better but it wasn't the end.

So towards August of 2015 I started cutting again I don't really know why but this time I used blades. I used pencil sharpeners then went to razon blades. I remember the very first razor I took apart I was using a knife and of course I accidentally stabbed myself along with cutting my thumb on the blade trying to take it out. But these cuts were deeper and they were getting deeper the longer the night's got worse and so did my thoughts. I would  cut and I hoped that it would kill me.

I told some of my friends I don't know why but I did and don't regret it. But this one girl found out but I didn't tell her. Now this was like first 2 weeks of school she told the guidance counselor and the guidance counselor called my mum. I don't even care that my mum found out but how she reacted was heart braking I thought she would be helpful and be like we will get thro this together but no..... she yelled at me and said things like how dare u go down the crazy trail. I go to therapy and every time I moan not wanting to go she would always say things like u chose this path and all I could think was YES BECAUSE EVERY PERSON HAS THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY BUT SRY I CHOSE WRONG SO U YELL AT ME FOR BEING SAD. I hate talking about this one part because that's wut happenes.

Back to after all that happened. I remember one time I was cutting my like low hip, high thigh area and i got so happy because i hade cut so deep the blood dripped down my leg and i was so happy. Then idk maybe a couple nights after that I saw this video and it was saying things like how fresher blades cut easier (I wonder why) *hint heavy sarcasm*. So when we got new razors I would take them apart and I would cut my arms as deep as I could with the new blades to the piont where I could see the layers of fat and skin in my arms.

But that was all in the fall/winter seasons and yeah I still want to cut but I don't. And I love my scars I'm not 100% proud of them but they r part of me they r a part of my story and im comfortable with them so if u have scars don't be afraid to wear shorts or shot-sleeves and be you. I am doing better and I might slip up every here and there but o well such Is life and let me tell u I will never forget this quote "suicide doesn't take the pain and sadness away it just gives it to someone else" I love all of u and if u need any help or have any questions just message me I would love to help.