It was one of those nights when Hanbin had a hard time falling asleep, he just pulled Jiwon's sleeve lightly and Jiwon would know exactly what to do. Jiwon would sit up immediately from his spot, grabbing Hanbin upstairs to the terrace of the building where they both would lay down underneath the starry breezy night. Jiwon would just blurt out some random facts about a constellation or point out the biggest star in the sky or tell him how small they all were compared to the galaxy, and how people tended to recognize the night by its tiny shiny stars rather than the beautiful pitch-dark sky decorated with the faintest tint of blue; which was pretty much a pity to Jiwon's belief, because that very dark blue shade of the night was the prettiest blue he had ever seen in his life. Hanbin would nod and hum distractedly to whatever Jiwon had to say nonetheless. And just like that, Hanbin would drift off to sleep peacefully.
But that one night was particular.
That one night was like no other.
Hanbin didn't want to hear about the stars or the dark blue anymore. Neither did he want to fall asleep.
He wanted to talk about something else. Something much more serious.
-Hyung, do you ever think of what awaits us after all of this? You know, when the limelight is no longer on us, when we can no longer stand on the same stage and sing the same song and dance the same move like we do today, when we all for better or worse must go in our own direction. What would you do?
-Why are you talking about this now?
-I don't know, it just came up in my mind the other day and I can't seem to get it off. Not that I mind, but still.
-I don't know. We would still be the bestest friends for sure. Maybe I would start a small business, you know, for a stable living. A diner sounds good to me. Or a small convenience store? That's alright too. But most of all, I think I want to build a family and become a father. I want to have children and raise them up and be proud of them. Yes that's pretty much it. You?
-I don't know either. Well, I guess I just wanna be happy. Around the people I love and need in my life.
-Like your mum, your dad and Hanbyul?
-Yes, just my mum, my dad and Hanbyul.
-I think you should also consider having your own little family, just like me.
-Well yeah, after all, maybe I should start thinking about it.
Jiwon was too busy gazing the night back then to pay attention to the painful look in Hanbin's eyes, or how Hanbin was helplessly screaming inside : "And you too, you effing idiot Kim Jiwon. I want you in my life! I always see myself in a ten or even twenty years time with you, or even spend the rest of my life by your side; but why aren't I ever there in the future you plan? What am I to you then, Kim Jiwon?"
That was the very first time Jiwon didn't try to read Hanbin or try to figure out what he was thinking.
If only he had...
But it should be a fortune how oddly oblivious Jiwon was being, because if he hadn't been that way, things would have been even more awkward between them.
Hanbin fell asleep, eventually. If anything, this time it wasn't because of how comfortable it was laying next to Jiwon or how warm Jiwon's body heat was despite the cold night or how silly but genuine Jiwon's small stories and thoughts were. This time it was because Hanbin was tired out. Of his own stories and thoughts. Of all the emotion Jiwon had caused to him without knowing.
...
When they were in their fourties and had a little reunion, Chanwoo started to take up acting in action movies, Donghyuk became a music teacher in a highschool in Korea, Junhoe afforded a fancy car and set off his journey around the suburbs of Korea, Yunhyeong owned a little bakery named after his daughter, Jinhwan stayed in YG and joined the producers' team, and as for Hanbin, Hanbin had got married to a woman and his wife was about to give birth to a boy, and he was proud of himself for that, because he thought he could finally be even with Jiwon and Jiwon couldn't hurt him anymore.
About Jiwon, well, Jiwon actually had built a family with an eleven-year-old son and eight-year-old daughter like he once told Hanbin that very night, and the only one missing was a mom. Truth to be told, Jiwon had adopted two kids from a foster care center rather than actually had his own kids.
Something hit Hanbin the moment he saw Jiwon walked in holding hands with two children, chirping happily about something and laughing contentedly like the exact same way Jiwon used to laugh for only Hanbin.
Hanbin had thought that he won, but he didn't. He lost. He was happy, though. Happy for Jiwon, that Jiwon kept his promise, didn't turn into a sinner, and be happy. He just couldn't help feeling a little bitter at how he misunderstood Jiwon when Jiwon said the phrase "to build a family" and how he himself got married only so as to not be defeated by someone who had never intended to compete with him in the very first place.
Back in their twenties, Jiwon had actually planned out every year of his future with Hanbin, even before Hanbin's question came up. He just never told Hanbin about it, and his-fourty-self was glad he hadn't.
"How much of a fool would I look like, willing to trade the world for him when he has never wanted to be with me?"
Jiwon was hurt, but he was grateful.
And more than that, he was happy for Hanbin. Because Hanbin seemed happy. And he wanted Hanbin to be happy.
He never got married to a woman or try to go after Hanbin, because he didn't want to be a sinner to God, neither did he want to be a sinner to his own heart. He couldn't choose Hanbin over his own belief, but he chose Hanbin over everything else. That was until he had two beautiful kids and decided that letting go was for the better.
At the end of the day, the time had finally come and Hanbin wasn't the one that mattered the most to Jiwon anymore. And he wouldn't ever matter that much to Jiwon, ever again.
He would still always matter, in a way, though. He was Jiwon's first. He was also Jiwon's last.
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A/N: Hello guys, this is my second English fanfic for our beloved Hanbin and Jiwon. I wrote it a very long time ago, yet never found the confidence to share it to the world, not until now. Hit the star button if you had a great time reading this, and don't hesitate to share me your thoughts about the "what could have been" or anything you feel about this story. I do not mind criticism, but criticize with kindness as we all belong to the lovely fandom. Lots of love. x
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when it was a little too late
Fanfiction"Promise me? That you won't ever turn into a sinner, because of me?" Let's just say that Jiwon didn't mess up big time and actually stuck to the promise he had never really made himself.
