You know that feeling of emptiness you have when you feel all alone?
You're surrounded by people but it feels like you're the only one in the room?
Well that's basically my life.
I lost my dad to Dementia when I was 16. The doctors said it was a rare occurrence,he was only 40 when he was diagnosed. The doctors said it was due to stress and a lot of thinking,maybe even depression. But it was all a lie,I could tell they had no idea what had caused it so they made up anything they could think up not to satisfy us but so they satisfy their pride and esteem. They didn't want to believe they didn't know. I always thought I saw right through them,well maybe I did but then again maybe I just wanted someone to blame for something. Anything.
My mum and I were heart broken after his passing. Her more than me i guess cause she couldn't recover. Even I haven't recovered yet but I guess I can say I took it better than she did. After his passing she basically drifted away emotionally, psychologically. Soon she stopped talking altogether, pain and sorrow and longing eating through her until there was nothing left but a shadow of herself. She was made of it.
I remember how I'd mask the pain at school, the all popular Ramona Simmons. Then I would laugh and pretend everything was all right.
" I've got all eyes on me,I can't let anyone see me break" I used to think.
How naïve I was,I thought I had friends, I thought they all adored me. Turns out they were all fakes and turned their backs when I needed them the most. When I finally broke.
She too passed away 2 years after he did. Honestly I'm even surprised she stayed that long. I'd like so much to describe to you how it felt but I sincerely can't for it is an unexplainable, undescribable and unimaginable grief,so strong that unless you too go through the same dilemma you would never understand.
I came back from school one day with my friends and found her upstairs lying on the toilet floor in the most undignified manner, pills scattered everywhere on the floor and white foam coming out of her mouth. To say the sight was disheartening would be the understatement of the century.
She committed suicide just 3 days to my graduation. The graduation I had been planning for for so long but didn't get to attend.
I was more angry than I was sad. How dare she leave me all alone? Did she really think she was the only one hurting? She didn't think of me,of how I'd feel,of how sad,alone and broken I'd be.
I didn't do anything. I just stood there more confused and infuriated than I have ever been my whole life. I went down stairs pretending like nothing ever happened,like there wasn't a dead body laying in my house. As usual I put on a mask. After my so called friends had left I took a hot shower,hoping the water would wash away all the pain. After that I had something to eat. You might think I'm some kind of evil person but i was in a state where I'd been hurt so bad I didn't know how to react to the pain anymore.
For a while I just sat and watched the clock,not really thinking of anything, just completely spaced out. When it ticked nine,I picked up my phone and dialled 911.
"Hey uhm......I think my mum is dead"
I said without a hint of emotion in my voice.
The ambulance arrived 5 minutes later and took her body away. I didn't shed one tear for her. I was a kid,I didn't know what I was doing I was just so scared of being all alone.
I tried to be strong for my mother during the very difficult times but after she gave up.....she gave up on me,I was finally and utterly broken. I found myself asking "why" all the time. Why it all happened?
Why I feel this way?
Why I can't get back on my feet because honestly it felt like I was knocked down for years and needed help to get back up but had no one strong enough to pull me up. And so I laid there,deep inside a giant puddle of my pain,wet and constantly drowning as it pulls me deeper and deeper into an unrecoverable trance. I felt like I had no one to live for so I just ignored the world entirely. But I was given a second chance at happiness when HE walked into my life. Literally. Drew Anderson. The most beautiful creature I had ever encountered. Both inside and out.
❤❤❤
