I'm not sure exactly when it all started but, I remember a lot of it in first grade. I remember getting upset a lot. Most of the time about stupid things but it hurt. A lot. I remember several times going to a friends house or something and seeing all these trophies and awards and feeling completely useless and worthless. I would hide in my room at night all through out elementary school and ball my eyes out asking:
"Why am I here?"
"I have no talent!"
"I shouldn't be here"
I know it sounds like a bit much for those ages but it's true. It never really went away, either. The crying stopped, but nothing else. It was like a never ending down pour trapped in my mind. A water fall. And there was no dam to stop it. A hurricane racing around in my head, destroying every single, tiny, happy thought. A tornado, uprooting every enjoyable memory. An earthquake, shifting my perspective on the world. My world. My mind. My face. Me.
As I got older, I still didn't know that anything was wrong, I just knew I was sad. I began to forget about everything until night time when the monsters would creep out from under my bed and overflow into my thoughts again. When I was hidden in the shadows. In my shadows. I'm still not sure where the light is in the shadows. Or where my wings have been all this time. Or where my angel is in the darkness.
In first grade I wasn't just sad. I was mad. I've never really been sure what at, but my mom had just had triplets and I already had another sister. I know for one thing that I was feeling left out and excluded. I was even in counseling for it. But there was much more than that and I can't pin point what it was. Maybe I'll never really know, and that might be a good thing.
YOU ARE READING
In the Darkness
De TodoShe hides her mind away as she comforts and supports everyone around her. She pushes through to dark and finds the light. He sits quietly and wonders how to win her back. She blames the rabbit. I try to find the light. I try to comfort. But how can...
