Showered by the Stars

46. Confrontation

The wind blows coldly in December. Snow seems to fall endlessly. In the night sky, I gazed at the moon when I caught a glimpse of a shadow in the trees nearby.

My heart skipped a beat. I wondered who it could be. I wasn’t worried since my parents are at home with me. But it bothered me still. Who on earth would stay in the cold at night?

Mom knocked on the door and entered.

“Mi-chan, your dad and I will attend a party with some of his business acquaintances. Lock up the door, alright?” she said.

“Huh? You didn’t tell me about this.” I said.

“I know. I’m sorry. But it came as a short notice. And your grandfather said we have to attend.” She said.

I sighed. Well, it’s not like I can tell them not to go. And besides, it’s probably urgent since grandfather told them that.

“Alright. Have fun. Oh! And mom, if you happen to pass by the Cake shop we usually went to, can you buy chocolate cake? Please?” I said.

She chuckled. “Sure. Well, we might take long so sleep first, okay? Good night.”

“Uhn! Good night!” I said. Mom left my room.

After a minute, I rushed out of my room.

“Dad! Have fun tonight! And drive safely.” I shouted from the stairs. They were already at the door.

Dad smiled. “Of course. Good night, Mizuki”

I smiled. They left. I stood there in the quiet room.

The door bell ringed.

Did they forget something? But they could have entered the house without doing that.

It might not be them. I felt chill through my spine.

I went to the door and peeked at the hole. I opened the door.

“What is it?” I said, rudely.

“Ah! It’s just that—“ He stuttered.

“Say it.” I said.

“I want to talk to you.” He said.

“What do you want to talk about, Takeshima?” My fist clenched.

“Ah! It’s nothing.” He suddenly said and turned away.

My body felt like boiling lava. I couldn’t stop myself anymore.

“Hey! You there! Tell me. Was what I was thinking all along just made-up? Was it all for nothing? Did I hear wrong? I really thought you said those words. Can you at least do something? Help me, make me wake up from this dream. If it's needed, say harsh words to me. Make me understand it was all a mistake. You don't have to act so kind. 'cause if you do. I'll just fall over you again. So make me stop before I lose control. Crush my heart, break it apart. Just to make sure, that it won't beat for you again. So tell me. Say something to clear things up. Am I just thinking things too far? Don't make me look so damn pathetic. I don't need your pity. I need your answer, whether it's good or bad. I need it to wake myself up.” I shouted.

My tears keep on spilling. It was as if the entire pretense were gone. My heart was crushed when it all happened. I wanted to forget all of it. But I can’t because I haven’t found the right answer yet.

He faced me. “I love you. I really do. I was wrong when I did those things. I hurt your feelings. But I still love you. So please, let's start over again.”

It wasn’t enough.

“There you go, saying those words again. But after that, you will go all gaga over some other girl again. Let's stop pretending. I'd rather have you say that you were joking. Or you fall out of it first. Just don't make me hope for something that’s not going to happen. I thought that after I hear something positive, my locked-up heart will open for you again. But I thought wrong. It doesn't beat for you. I guess, I was just saying the things I should have said in the past. You don't belong to my present anymore.” I don’t understand myself anymore. I thought I’d be satisfied if I hear those words again.

“Please give me another chance. I'd do anything. Just let me prove myself.” His words just make me doubt him even more.

“You really don't get it do you? Rather than giving up, you're willing to try again? Haven't you had enough? Don't you think it's tiresome? Getting pushed away by me, avoided. You'll just make yourself pitiful. I'm getting tired of pushing you away.”

“Then why not let me get closer to you?”

“No. I'm telling you to stop. I'm sorry I said those words to you awhile back. I shouldn't have lifted your hopes up. I didn't think that those feelings I had for you can be changed so easily.”

“You're lying.”

“I'm not.”

“You're lying and I know it. You're mine.”

“Stop it! I'm getting tired of this. You're right. I lied. I liked you. No. I guess it already turned to love. But compared to that, I'm more tired of disappointment. Over and over again, you've made me throw away my heart. No one can reach it, not even you.”

“No. You love me. And only me. I have your heart.”

“Then I'm taking it back. Or would you rather keep my black heart? Don't make me say what I want to say right now.”

“Say it.”

“You'll regret it.”

“I don't care! Say it.”

“Fine! I hate you the most! For making me fall for you, betraying me, and even saying you love me. I've had enough. I'm not even in the mood of getting jealous. I can even forgive you right now if it means you'll leave me alone. So now, I forgive you for all the things you've done. Don't chase after me anymore. Please. Just let me live my life the way I want to. Don't mess my life. I beg you. Don't look at me with the same eyes. If you must know, I already have someone I love, whole-heartedly.”

“Is it him?”

“Yes.”

“Right. I get it. Fine. Do as you wish. But that guy can't make you happy.”

“In your eyes, maybe. But right now, I'm the happiest person in the world when I'm right by his side.” I’m not even certain of what I said.

“Can you just—“

“Takeshima, even if you say that my heart is still yours and even if I convince myself that I can give you a chance, I will never be happy if I’m with you. I’ll never be happy with someone I can’t give my whole trust.” I said, meeting his eyes.

His eyes were sad. “Ah! If you say that then I might just give up on you.” I nodded. He left.