My Implus Control Disorder

My pain

     Over the years I have dealt with this disorder where I lash out and hurt people I care about or myself. There even times I have self harm myself to feel better about myself. No one ever listen to me when I was 13. This is where it all started, when my trauma occurred. I tried to block it out but when flashbacks rolled right in I couldn't help myself, I would take it out on other people and myself. My family endured my behavior and thought I was trying to be different or rebellious. I was seeking for attention to get help. No one ever believed that there was something wrong with me, no matter how many times I've tried showing it in a way that no one could understand.

     There were times I thought that it were going to get better but I was wrong. It got worse over the years. My depression was bad and I tried to deal with it alone, until I was back at that dark place again. I wanted to end my life. No one knew that I wanted to kill myself since I was alone for the most part and my scars weren't noticeable. I never understood why I was feeling this way or how my mind processed my train of thought, for I was only 13 years old. I was once happy and enjoyed life and the people around me before I had been touched.

     There were times that I have said unforgivable things to my family to hurt them and I did not care at all. I figured I'd inflict pain on others to forget about my own pain when the flashbacks came strobing. It was hard for me because I tried to deal with it on my own and suppress my feelings. It made it even more worse that I wasn't in the best environment. My father had anger issues and I looked up to him I began acting like him and hurting the people I love. I've done things that pushed people away and made it hard for them to get closer to me. It was hard the first time I was admitted to the hospital for my depression. I thought things would get better after getting help but it was back to the same routine, I isolated myself . I did not feet safe nor did I want to be living in a world that was never perfect.

     Hair has been pulled from my scalp many times and self harming in many ways to try to end my life. Nothing has been going right, I've lost interest in doing things and just wanted to waste away my days away until it was time for me to leave this earth. I've gotten worse as I got older, I wish I was never like this. I wanted to be like someone else who is better looking and with a great personality.

     I thought these impulsive behaviors would help me forget about things but it did not. It only made me feel worse, I wasn't good enough and I can't do anything right. Anger and depression build up inside of me for so long that I have forgotten what it's like to be happy. I needed salvation, I was lost and confused. I've always wondered did I do something wrong? It wasn't my fault that it happened but I feel like it was because I let it happen and I did not do anything to stop it. But I was only 13. I opened up about it when I was 22. It took me so long, but I fell like it was too late to say and brush it under the rug.

     My mom always told me things wouldl be alright but I never believe her. I've tried to be free and do things that would make me feel happy at the moment. I've tried to fill the void in my mind but all was there was the pain I have been feeling for 11 years of my life. Never even try to be happy and push myself to do something with my life as I wasted away and wallow in shame. I use to talk to my father about everything but as soon as I grew older I have shut myself out from anyone in my family that tries to ask what is wrong with me?

     During my school years I thought they were the best but as they years pass they got worse and hardly have any friends but only those who were there and stood by me. The bullies were boys who are immature and don't know any better have hurt me and doesn't see how it made me feel since they didn't care. It made me feel depress and hate myself for how I look. I intend to put myself down too like every guy tells me how ugly and fat I am. Looking at myself have been hard since I was so disgusted with what I turn out to be.