Afire Love ; LT

Cruel Misery

Although it was warm, soft and snug appearance upon my living room, my body felt cold.. Numb? It was August, hottest month it can get here. Again, I never felt it.. I always felt the need to be different. And throughout the hot weather my body decided to be shivery ; cold.
I was sitting on my couch, watching the flash upcoming on the flatscreen Infront of my
view. Ever since I was "cursed" as I call it, I've had a notebook from the start to write how I felt, and pour out all my sadness onto pieces of paper that no one will ever see.. Hopefully

October 17, 2012
"I refused to wake up. I was having a way better time asleep, alone. And that's sad. It was nearly as if I was having a reverse nightmare, like how you wake up from one and you're body is so relieved to have it over.. I woke up to.. A nightmare"

My body let a sigh slip through my dried lips, as I cleared my throat, flipping through the coffee stained pages of my notebook. I've always wondered what would happen if I used all the pages in the book, having two would be... odd? Like "oh yeah, that's just my collection of books full filled of depressing quotes ; tragedies that happened in my life and coffee stains from when I couldn't handle the thoughts in my head! Have a look"
Sarcasm

I hated the thought of someone finding my 'journal' Although I left it out in plain areas.. For example, lying on my bed or sticking up from the cracks of the sofa. I tried to prevent using up the pages, so I've always written small, honestly it's so small I can barely read my own writing. But it's manageable once you get used to it. I wrote on back sides too, but the pen sinks through the page causing me to write on a different one. It's a fear of using the whole book.. The pit in my chest is so large and bold for someone finding out the 'problem' I have with socializing and controlling my thoughts.

"Lou, you okay honey?"
A light voice conducted from the back of me, before hearing the sound of the front door shutting, and keys jiggling.
"Yeah, I'm good"
I replied with a shiver, as I slipped the notebook underneath me, snuggling upto the blanket of mine.
"I bought you some dinner, thought it would be fun for some takeout."
I silently stood up, strolling to the kitchen.
"Chinese?" I questioned, as she nodded with a bright smile.

"Sit on the couch if you like, I'll sit with you"
"Okay"
I responded with a nod, tripping myself to slouch on the sofa, sinking in the cushion.
I was enjoying the takeout my mum purchase generously.
"You think you're gonna attend school tomorrow?"
My mom questioned, making my throat tighten and my heart figuratively drop to my stomach. I didn't respond looking towards the flatscreen of flashing comedy bits.
"Lou, you can't skip another day. You'll fail grade 11"
I could tell she was trying not to raise her voice by the shake in her tone.. She wasn't the type to retort back to me but lately it seems she's been fed up with my.. Well, everything. But before thinking about her response to my gesture, I snapped back to her letting my mind take control again, as always.
"Do you know how hard it is for me to even show up? All people do is judge the shit out of me, and let me be shuttered out from the social world, letting my anxiety build up!?"
She looked surprised, in my defence that's abnormal. I could predict she was gonna 'not speak'. Her body quietly stood from her seat, clearing her throat in a shatter sound. She placed her food on the coffee table
and she stayed silent.. Consider me psychic.
She turned to face away from me, I'd assume in ignorance.

"Mum, I'm sorry."

"No Lou, don't apologize"

She turned back, her face appearing to a liquid slipping from her eye down her cheek. It was tinted black a bit as I'd assume it's from her makeup she wore for the meeting she had to attend earlier. I wasn't expecting her to cry.. Although she does get sensitive to this type of things.
"You're crying?"
I asked, stupidly as it was obvious, Yeah I'm an idiot.
She shook her head refusing the chance to let her feelings out, I nodded my head standing up, I felt kinda bad.. I mean who wouldn't I guess.

"I'm sorry mum."
I mumbled beneath my breathe assuming ly enough for her to hear, as I started walking toward my bedroom at the end of the hall. I had a large bedroom. I had dark blue walls, with several posters of random abstract things. And of course my one and only piano, or so I call it "my baby". I love piano, it's so.. Calming? If I could marry it I definitely would. I've never token a lesson directed for piano, I've learnt from YouTube mainly. Easier for me I guess.
The sound of the piano is honestly my favourite sound, the effect it brings to your ears just relaxes you and it fits with anything, it's just amazing. Not to sound like a musical nerd.

November 2, 2012
Depression, the inability to construct a future for yourself. Everyone tries to put effort into helping me. Until you've had depression I don't consider you qualified to talk about it.