I'm not sure how long I cried- Until I fell asleep is the only answer I can give with any certainty. His departure was what I asked for, and what I pushed him to, but that didn't make it hurt any less. The heaviness in my chest was unbearable. Even now, though I knew it had been hours as the moon had come out, I couldn't find the will to pick myself off of the cold travertine floor. I leaned my head back against the chair closest to me and sighed. I had to get myself together. This, this broken mess, is exactly what I was supposed to be avoiding by sending him away. It was a reminder of why I had lived my past two years in such a fashion. That even if I didn't have the fiery passion that he ignited in me, that even if I missed him dearly, that it may still be better to live without him than to feel the depth of the hurt that I held inside right now.
I felt as though I was almost in a trance. The French doors leading from the living room to my garden were open and the night air had a sting to it that I had never before felt. Prior to now, I had never had any memories of Lindsey in this home, and now they were everywhere I looked. The pot still sat on the stove from the night before, reminding me of the dream that I had lived, however briefly. My bed was a mess, seemingly haunting me. I didn't even want to drag myself in there to sleep but I knew that if i retreated to the guest room, where he had spent the first night, that too would smell like him. I felt like an intruder in my own home, as though I needed to flee the place that was previously my sanctuary.
Eventually I picked myself up off of the floor and drug myself into the kitchen to make a large cup of chamomile tea. I leaned against the countertop where he had stood just a day prior and I felt like a zombie. I just didn't think it would hurt so much this time- I wasn't prepared. It was a different hurt- I had previously longed for him knowing that he was the one who had rejected me. I had always before longed for the chance to win him back, somehow wondering if I could prove to him my love and loyalty. This time, however, I knew that I had already done all of those things. He wasn't playing games. He was sincere and he had seemed to have matured- and I pushed him away. I was in pain by my own actions.
I pulled on an oversized sweater and grab my leather bound book, careful not to look at myself in the mirror, refusing to acknowledge what I am sure are puffy eyes and running mascara. I sat on a bench in my garden, ignoring the unseasonably cold night and pouring my hear out into my journal.
There was no shortage of emotions that evening, and the words came easily. I want the best for Lindsey- I always have and I always will. But somehow, on some level, I always thought that I am the best thing for him.
"I love him, I'll admit it," I said out loud to no one. I was sure making a habit of talking to myself lately.
After hours of writing I flipped through my journal, glad I had cleared my head a bit.
I read over the words again, noticing that I always go back to some of my original verses when I'm in this position with Lindsey, quoting once again some song lyrics I wrote during the first of what I didn't realize then would be many breakups.
Now I decided yesterday that I would leave you
I'm alright~
I've been takin' my time
You know, it's been on my mind~
I hope you find a love
Your own designs of love
That's alright~
I guess it was really done this time. Or at least as done as we could ever be. I was going to hold my ground, I never wanted to feel this way again.
I closed my journal and wandered back into my bedroom, picking up the soft, overstuffed comforter from the floor where it was thrown during our fight. His white undershirt lay discarded near the edge of the bed and I picked it up to toss it into a hamper, automatically brining it to my face to smell him. I breathed deeply, and immediately shed my clothing and changed into his shirt to sleep.
No one would ever know. And it was as close to him as I was going to let myself get right now. I curled up and pulled the covers over me, knowing full well the tears would come again in the still of the night.
I lay there determined to make myself return to my quasi-normal life, telling myself that time would heal my heart once again.
