We loaded into the car and Lindsey pulled onto the narrow street, following my instructions as I directed him to my obstetrician's office.
The little silver convertible traveled swiftly down the highway and we both sat in eager silence. I was so excited to share this with Lindsey, and I knew he was looking forward to the appointment- that it would somehow make it all the more real, and that he could hear that everything was going smoothly straight from the doctor. I know he worried more than he let on and somehow, I was grateful for that.
"Lindsey," I interrupted the silence. "Do you want to find out what we're having?"
"The genders? You've always said you wanted to be surprised," he seemed a bit confused in his response.
I laughed. I knew he was trying to be accommodating to my mood swings, and I didn't mean to be testing his nerves with endless questions. "I'm asking you, Linds. It's different now that we're actually in the situation, that there's actually two babies we need to prepare to bring into this world."
"Well," he thought about it for a minute. "You know I just want them to be healthy, and for you to be healthy," he responded, placing his hand on my thigh and giving it a light squeeze. "But yes, I think I'd like to know," he stated flatly, obviously anticipating my response, which, in his defense, could have been anywhere on the spectrum of hysterical laughter to tears to raw anger. Poor guy, I thought.
"Well let's find out." I told him. "I think it would be nice to find out together. Don't you," I turned to look at him.
"I'd really like that." His smile was so genuine when the words escaped his lips. This was about us, not just me, and I wanted to make up for not telling him the second I found out I was expecting- we were expecting, I mentally corrected myself.
"Turn here," I instructed, as he entered the parking lot and found a space close to the front door. I was gathering my purse when he opened my car door and extended a hand to help me inside. He held the doors and stood with me as I checked in.
We sat in the waiting room and he was very attentive to me, asking me about a dozen times if I needed a drink of water or anything else. I watched the women around me, in varying stages of their own pregnancies, or proudly holding the tiniest little infants. It warmed my heart. I then turned my gaze to Lindsey, who was sitting next to me, surveying the same scene through very different eyes. His leg bounced nervously in the seat next to me, and he ran his hands across the top of his jeans, and I was pretty sure he was starting to sweat. I placed my hand carefully on his jigging leg, causing him to stop moving and look over at me, mildly terrified.
"Are you nervous?" I questioned.
He nodded that he was.
I smiled, understanding where he was coming from as I had been there myself only a few weeks prior. "Don't be nervous. Everything is fine." He had never liked doctors, so I didn't read much into it. He had a lot of physical concerns about my pregnancy and I knew this appointment would make all the difference.
"Stephanie?" The nurse called from the doorway, indicating it was my turn. I grabbed Lindsey's hand and walked back to the office, sitting down my bag on the exam table and picking up the neatly folded gown that I would need to change into for my exam. Lindsey had a seat and I turned my back to him, unbuttoning the top of my sundress and slipping into the gown.
He quietly whistled, causing my head to turn and I glanced over my shoulder at him where he raised his eyebrows at me.
"Oh my God, Linds!" I exclaimed. "You were a nervous mess two minutes ago and now you're hitting on me at our doctor's appointment?" I was laughing moderately hard at this point, closing the sheer cotton garment around myself.
"Well, I'm only human," he told me. "How am I supposed to resist you. Plus," he added, opening an arm to indicate to me that he desired that I sit next to him while we waited, "we've probably got tons of time before anyone's actually in here to see you."
"Not a chance," I laughed, giving him a quick peck on the cheek, and perching myself atop the flimsy paper covering the exam table.
Only seconds later the doctor knocked and the door opened, causing me to shoot him a glare as if to say See? Wouldn't that have been awkward.
He met my gaze and let out a small, playful chuckle, understanding exactly what I meant.
"Miss Nicks, so good to see you," Dr. Lombardi greeted me warmly, and turned to extend his hand to Lindsey.
"Dr, Lombardi, this is my..." I was at a brief loss for words. "My..."
"Lindsey," he stood and shook the doctors hands, and filling in my loss of words in the most oddly perfect way. He was indeed My Lindsey. Our dynamic had always been complex to say the least, unable to be completely summed up with a simple title such as "boyfriend" or even "husband" didn't seem to do it justice. The father of my children? While technically this is the case, that too doesn't exactly sum it up. He was my entire world and always had been. My soulmate, my partner, someone I could love and hate simultaneously and the only person in the world to completely understand me. He could push me away, to a place further than I knew I could go, and reach me when no one else could. And no matter what, he was always mine.
He sat near the head of the exam table and looked painfully uncomfortable as I was quickly checked. The doctor gave me the all clear and I could tell Lindsey had been holding his breath a little bit until he heard that.
We chatted a bit while my blood pressure was being taken and the doctor asked me about how I was feeling and my daily activities.
Finally I lay back down, as he pulled the Doppler out and Lindsey grasped my hand. He watched as it was applied to the outside of my growing belly and the sound of a strong little heartbeat filled the room.
Lindsey squeezed my hand and turned to look at me. I don't think I've ever before seen such unbridled emotion pouring out of anyone. His eyes were full of tears and his face was beaming with joy. I smiled, unable to look away from him. "That's our baby, Linds."
He leaned down and kissed my forehead, nodding in agreement but not saying much. I could tell he was just trying to take it all in. The doctor moved the device to find the second heartbeat, which was equally as strong.
"That's our baby too," I added, now becoming misty eyed myself.
He wiped his eyes briefly, attempting to compose himself. After a few seconds I suppose he decided he didn't care if he was crying and he leaned down and kissed me chastely again, this time on the lips.
"You're doing great, Angel. They're doing great. And I love all three of you so much," he somewhat whispered to me, brining the back of my hand to his lips, and his free palm to meet the side of my stomach.
That, right there, the man standing next to me, lovingly holding my hand for what was one of the biggest moments in my life so far- making me feel whole and loved and unquestionably happy, that, I thought, is My Lindsey.
He didn't say much as I later removed the gown, slipping back into my clothing in the privacy of the room which was now empty aside from the two of us. I felt his hand softly on the small of my back, attempting to help me balance. He tucked my hair behind my ear and wrapped an arm around me. "You're amazing, do you know that," he asked. "You're making our babies inside of you and you're doing such a fantastic job. I can't believe this is all real. Everything is so perfect."
I instantly became a little shy.
"I love you, Stephanie," he told me. "And those worlds will never be enough. They merely scratch the surface of how I feel about you right now."
I threw my arms around him and kissed him deeply, attempting to somehow convey what I knew I could never put into words. I felt it though, and I knew he did too.
