Car Crash Hearts

Car Crashes and Goodnight Moon

Car Crashes and Goodnight Moon

My laugh cut off, my attention stolen as a blue Minnie-van pressed the gas. My palms got sweaty, breathing became almost impossible, and my heart was slamming into my ribs so hard I was surprised they hadn't broken yet, the blood rushing in my ears made the world seem defining.

"Robin you okay?" Mason asked after glancing my way.

"Yeah I'm fine," I tried to smile but it felt off.

Kayla paid no mind to his abrupt stop in conversation but I could see his eyes flickering to me every couple of seconds as we waited for a lull in traffic.

Our opportunity was a short window, and I took one shallow breath before stepping out onto the street. Once my feet touched the grass of the other side I whirled around searching for Kayla and Mason, they were beside me still chatting making their way towards the corner store up a small hill, my panic attack had gone unnoticed for the most part. I walked with them still holding my breath, when they disappeared into the store I sat on the window ledge head between my knees trying to calm myself.

One slow breath after another, my heart beat returned to normal. I thought to myself -hoping they wouldn't come looking for me- this was getting worse. I could control how much I let it hurt me before, it took a lot of practice but I could do it, now it seems I had lost all that control I had worked so hard for.

I thought of how well I was able to hide this from Kayla as I straightened. She knew it was hard every time but she thought I had it under wraps, I did everything I could so she wouldn't notice, so she wouldn't worry. No matter how many times I tell her it wasn't her fault she won't believe me.

We were only eleven, how could that have been her fault. I ran my fingers along the puckered red line in the center of my chest feeling my heart pound beneath it; remembering some of that time, god we were so young. . .

"Robin there you ar. . ." My eyes met with Kayla's.

Her gaze was focused on my fingers and the smile she had been wearing vanished. I opened my mouth to speak, "No," she whispered hands clenching. "I know what you think Robin, but I can't believe that." She turned back into the store tears shining in her eyes.

"Kayla," my shoulders lost all their tension, my voice defeated.

She would never believe me, this wasn't her fault, that none of what happened that day was her fault. I was reminded of Mason telling me about Keith, I could imagine how helpless, and frustrated he must have been when he was watching his best friend die. In a way he must feel like it's his fault Keith died, because he didn't try hard enough to help him or something. Kayla had to live through something like that; it would leave scars where they can't be healed.

* * *

Kayla was laughing again. At my house playing video games, boring me to death but she was enjoying kicking Mason's sorry ass. All conversation was forgotten when we arrived to no parents and Kayla saw the wall unit full of gaming consuls unlocked for us. I rubbed my dry eyes blinking at the bright screen; the windows were darker than I had thought when I looked up.

Slumped on the couch I was starting to feel sick from all the sweets we inhaled, but I was also thinking of when Mason would have to leave knowing he never called his parents and confessed to where he really went today. I glanced at the new looking cell phone that was surprisingly silent sitting next to Kayla and my older models wondering if he turned it off after it started blowing up hours ago.

I ignored the fighting words and half hearted requests coming from the children on the floor and headed into the kitchen for some real food. I cut up some fruit hoping that would be enough to make my stomach stop churning.