"When people say "recovery", you typically think of returning to how things were before. But there is no going back. You do not merely recover, but reinvent yourself. You become someone different from who you were before."
A blurry face. That was all she could see. She already couldn't remember the name of the person that face belonged to. Her memories were fading away so quickly...
She died feeling two big warm arms wrapped around her. But before losing her last spark of life, she heard a voice saying her name again and again, whispering it, telling her how much she was loved. Then, her eyes closed forever.
"Well. I have no idea how to start. I can't talk about how I feel, how I am, and I can't talk to you. What's more I don't want to push my pain on the only two other people suffering as much as I do.
The letter idea was from Castiel. That's all he said to me, after many and many desperate calls and prayers. I'll follow the advice, maybe it could help, even if it seems real silly.
I guess you would like some news. So, after your death, Eva and Dean found me holding your bloody body. Dean told me he had call for hours. He and Eva killed the vampire nest in the other cabin. Except the one still living in the cabin you and I went to check on. No worries, he's dead now and you were avenged. But I was three seconds late. One step of the staircase late. Enough to see you struggle and see him slit your throat. The monster's fate, I guess you can imagine.
I knew that Dean called, I heard every ring, I just couldn't pick up. Now I can't hear the first notes of the melody without throwing the goddam phone out of the room. Worse than the wake up alarm. You know, I felt as if I let go of your body, I would erase everything. All of it would really be over. And I didn't want it to be over. So I hold on till I heard them coming and saw Eva's face. A mix of sadness, anger, rage and pain. She screamed so loudly I can still remember it. That's the moment I lift my head up from your forehead and saw Dean holding her back in her arms. She still destroyed what was left of the vampire after that. She also burned down the cabin. And we carried your body home, Dean being our anchor in the storm.
It's been a week. You know how I was always the one all about sharing, talking about pain to make it a little less unbearable. How Dean always pushed me back when I tried to get him to open up. Hell, it's crazy how a single week can change you. Though, Dean is here for me. For both of us. I mean Eva and I. Like he always was. But I can't tell him anything. When he wants to know how I feel, all I can say is "I'm okay". Like he's gonna believe my lies. Cause even if I would talk to him I could not. It's too much. I can barely support it, feel it, so don't ask me to share it. Especially when I know Dean isn't fine about it either. You shouldn't have left like that. It wasn't fair... We still had so much to do. You still had brightness to being into this world. Sorry. I can't blame you. After all, I surrendered to Death before you. Countless times.
I'm a mess. Eva is a wreck. Dean tries his best but... I doubt time could help relieving the pain. But I know you wouldn't want me, or any of us, to try to bring you back. Especially at the cost of our lives. Therefore, I'll respect that. "
"I'm not sure if the whole letter stuff works but I need to share with you. Because after I write down some of my feelings I can imagine what you would have said to me. It makes me feel good to kinda act as if you were still here. Maybe it isn't the most healthy grief process, but at least I try. I like to think I try.
This morning when I woke up I felt the cold spot on your side of the bed. It made me feel so sick I wanted to change the mattress. And when I walked into the kitchen I didn't smell the pancakes you used to make on Sunday mornings or when we were back from a hunt. What a stupid idea to let you come with us on one. The one stupid thing I'll never forgive myself for. All I could smell in the kitchen was pain. Yeah, I know you can't really smell pain. But you smell dirty dishes who were not washed because we were all to tired to do it. For days. You smell empty glasses of whisky which remind you your brother is not in much better shape than you. You could almost smell salt in the atmosphere from all the tears. It's all the details that kill me every day, that hit me when I wake up. And the worst of all is the trace of your perfume in the room. Still here.
Crap. I think Eva broke something. She's been training like the insane she became, since you died, and Dean said she's on some sort of crusade. I think it's more about letting go of all the emotions, blow off steam, even if she's been on many vampire hunts during these 10 days. I'm gonna go check on her. And Dean.
I'll be back."
"It's been two weeks. Two weeks and I can't picture how I'm gonna be able to live without your presence my whole life. I don't know how I managed to stay alive two weeks. Damn, it sounds so cheesy. I'm sorry.
I'm writing from one of Bobby's cabin. Dean lend me baby for the weekend so I could breathe some fresh air. It feels good to be out of the bunker. The atmosphere was becoming oppressive.
On the road I saw an art exhibition ad. It reminded me of you and there it was, all my memories. The way you draw, the way the lighting would catch in your hair and make it looks so shiny. And I remember all our projects. Go to Australia, swim with some dolphins, spend a whole month being tourists in San Francisco, let you make me discover Paris... Hell I loved it when you spoke French. How you giggled when you were trying to teach me and you couldn't help it with my awful accent. I'd had love to sit at a coffee shop and eat French pastries with you. And it was supposed to be a surprise, but I wanted to take you to the Tim Burton exhibition in New York. Spend the weekend there.
I can't do that. I can't think about all of this. I'm tired. So damn tired. And still I can't give up that easily. You wouldn't want that for me. And I can't do that to Dean. Not now.
You were one hell of a badass. I'll try to be as strong minded as you are."
"This morning I woke up to next to Eva and Dean. We did what we should have done for weeks now. Actually four whole weeks. We talked. About everything. Yeah, you probably think it took one hell of a time to sit us three together in order to talk. But come on you know how we are. However we did it.
Eva knocked at my bedroom's door yesterday evening. I saw her face, I saw how she couldn't bear it anymore. So I let her in. We didn't speak for two complete hours. We just laid on my room's floor. But somehow we didn't need words to understand each other. Dean came in later. He looked at us, raised his eyebrows and just laid with us on the ground. And we didn't speak for two more hours. Oddly, I could feel some sort of relief for all of us. And around 1a.m, we started talking. Dean started it. And we continued. For once in a while, we were completely honest with each others. Kinda sad isn't it? How the hole you left tore us apart when it shouldn't have. We feel asleep watching silly videos we made on our lazy days at the bunker. Only proof there was once a ounce of happiness in this home.
This letter looks more like a diary page but if I write all of this, it's mainly to tell you one thing. We, the three of us, love you. Always had, always will. I hope we'll get to share our heaven honey."
"This is the last letter I'll write. Not that I'm really getting over it, more because I need a way out of my own head. Seven weeks since we burned your body. Seven weeks since I saw you, yours dreams and hopes, your weirdo personality fade away. I won't blame you, you know I can't, and I won't blame myself. I'm not gonna blame the whole world either.
I made a choice yesterday. I had the night to think about it, and I think it's the right call to make.
I'm leaving the bunker. Eva and Dean will stay there, hunting a little bit and I suppose just try to live life at its best. Dean told me I'll always be welcome home. I'm gonna miss the two of them. They're my whole family after all. What's left of it.
I'm actually writing these words on a Starbucks napkin in the airport. All these things I dreamt of doing with you, I'll do them anyway. It will be my mourning process. Maybe somehow you'll live them with me through my memories of what it could have been. I'm headed to Melbourne, my plane is leaving in one hour. Can't wait to discover what Australia is like. Seems like one big desert with sea all around. Then, Paris. And after these two, wherever the wind will take me. Travel the world I guess. I'll make so many memories you'll lose your mind with how much you'll have to see when I come back to you.
I love you my dear. See you in some years."
